In a bad place
Submitted by Ali34 on Thu, 07/06/2017 - 12:30
I have had chronic pain since 12/2014 and received several diagnoses along the way all following what I believe is a botched gallbladder removal. That's now besides the point, because it is what it is at this point. There's no point dwelling on that right now as I have many more things to deal with these days. My final diagnoses seem to be intercostal neuralgia on the right side of my body (where my gallbladder was removed), fibromyalgia, IBS, acid reflux, and major depressive disorder. Well, right now I'm stuck laying in bed again today as it hurts to breathe and feels like someone is standing on my back caving it into my organs. I've missed a week of work with this flare and am constantly afraid of losing my job because I frequently take days off because of my pain. I have not really slept all week and we had our A/C break on Saturday and our complex's maintenance person didn't have it up and running again until Monday late afternoon. So in the middle of dealing with a flare my fiancé, 2 dogs, and I dealt with 90 degree plus temperatures. This ended up with me in the ER Monday morning where none of the nurses or doctors there took any of my symptoms seriously, they never do, they just see a drug seeker the moment you say chronic pain or fibromyalgia. And the only regular person I have in my life besides doctors, is my fiancé. He has definitely stuck with me thru all of my pain, and while he tries very hard, he doesn't always understand that every fiber of my being is in constant pain and that any little changes to my stress levels or weather or any number of things can amplify my pain greatly leaving me useless for an undetermined period of time. I feel like I'm just reaching the end of my rope with all of this. I just can't imagine dealing with this the rest of my life, but as my pain specialist says, you won't die from this but you will die with it. There are many days where I wish I were dead, the only thing keeping me from doing anything about it is that my mom and fiancé wouldn't deal with it well. And I don't want to imagine what my dogs would feel if I were just gone. I just try to remind myself of these things, but I think that one day the pain will be too extreme and I will not be able to hang on. I've never told anyone this, but I'm afraid that one day I might not be able to fight the pain. My hands are cramping as I type this. My body just keeps failing me. I was a happy, healthy, and fit 30 year old before this. Now I feel like pain defines who I am.