looking for some understanding

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southernmom84

New member
Joined
Oct 9, 2015
Messages
6
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
06/2010
Country
US
State
South Carolina
I don't really have anyone to talk to about my illness and how I feel. It seems like it's causing problems with my relationship. My boyfriend doesn't understand. It's like he just doesn't want to understand. And whenever I have a really bad fibro day and I try to talk about it, he gets frustrated and says he doesn't want to hear that crap again. Or something like that. It hurts and really upsets me. He always says it can't be that bad. But if one of his female friends has one little thing bothering them, he's there for them. But he can't seem to be there for me when things are so much worse. I just really needed to vent and ask for any advice.
 
Oh you poor girl...that's sounds horrible as if the pain etc is not already more than enough to cope with.

I got my partner to read some comprehensive stuff i copied and pasted to him in a few emails about fibro from various good websites. If you google fibro and have a read around until you find what you feel best describes your fibro.
fmnewsnet is good a good website (am i allowed to say that).

It helps them understand as best they can....but i don't think anyone else can truly understand....we look normal and you can't see pain. I often wish my nearest and dearest could try living in my body for a day or a week, they would be so shocked that we have to live like this all day everyday.....and get through bleak nights in pain too.

Take Care
 
My BF also has a hard time understanding my disease. I think he is frustrated because he feels he should be able to fix my problems, and he can't fix this. I am trying to emphasize the things he does that do help - like giving me a back rub, or maintaining the hot tub, or going to the grocery when I can't. I'm also trying to see things from his viewpoint. I know that me being sick has affected his life and that it worries and scares him. We have a long way to go before I can say we have worked it all out and we're fighting Fibro together, but I think it's possible. Two things have helped me the most: having forums like this to vent to so he doesn't get all my complaints and moaning; and me maintaining a genuine interest in the things he enjoys like sports on tv and birdwatching in our own backyard ( we're nerdy like that!). When we're watching baseball together on tv life seems almost normal. Hope you two can find some common ground - this disease is too hard to fight alone.
 
My brother was recently in a bad motorcycle accident (he is healing and will be fine.) after some facial reconstruction surgery, he asked for pain meds because he was at a 6 and asking for pain meds. Wow. I think I understood myself a little better at that moment. I frequently have days at a 5 or 6 in many areas of my body and I push myself to work and my family pushes me to "maintain." We deserve awards for the little things we can accomplish. This kind of pain would put a lot people in the hospital.

Someone on this site recommended the clothes clip test. Put a clothes clip or 2 on your boyfriend in the areas where you have the most pain. Now tell him he can't take them off and he can't whine about it. (I added the part about not whining �� ) Maybe this would help him be more compassionate.
 
Thank y'all so much for this feedback. And for the advice. I think today I Will email him some articles so he can maybe try to understand what I'm going through.
 
Darling some ppl never want to understand. Maybe u should find someone who does. I can't see him giving a toss how many bits of info u send him.
If he shows more interest to other women then u there's something wrong there .xx
 
Please vent here anytime! We validate your pain and the lack of empathy some others have for our condition. Relationships are challenging in the best of circumstances and fibro is most certainly a monkey wrench. if someone is unwilling to offer a suffering person an ounce of compassion....well, that sucks! You deserve to be heard. Please don't keep it all inside...not speaking of it doesn't make it go away. If you can't talk to him, talk to us!
 
I'm sorry you're going through this. My husband told me once when I mentioned it was a bad pain day that "that just doesn't mean anything to him." After I had an internal freak out session at him I talked to him out loud and understand now that what he really means is that he can't understand what I'm going through because he just doesn't have any experience that compares. We have an interesting dynamic in our relationship because he has a ridiculously high pain tolerance...and I am in near constant pain (but I don't like to talk about how bad it is). I will admit that during my bad flare ups I tend to notice all the crumby things he says/does though, and it's harder to see the amazing things he does on a regular basis.

I also understand where you're coming from being in a relationship with someone who likes to fix others. My husband also has female friends that he will help at the drop of a hat. For some time it bothered me, but after almost a decade together I have come to realize that there are times he needs to be able to actually fix a problem for someone. He can't take my pain away; he can only hold my hand through it. So, if a friend needs his help for a moment, I try to let him do that so that he can feel like he's concretely making a difference for someone. That being said, I know and love his female friends, and I trust him. I hope that you feel loved in your relationship.
 
SugarandSteel ...You are generous and understanding in nature...lovely characteristics. It is sadly often people like that who get fibro not the hard hearted ones who seem to sail through life. You recoginize your husband is really a kind man who needs to feel he can fix things and communication and understanding at that deeper level is so important.

Men are funny creatures who seem to express anger at a difficult situation when what we need is gentleness and extra love not less.
 
My husband of 15 years is hot and cold when it comes to my pain. He ignores me some days, tells me I'm over-reacting others, and always refuses to read the info I email or text him since he really doesn't want to deal with it. He wants me to ride his motorcycle/ride my motorcycle. Which I'm not able to do anymore. Other times, he is sweet and seems to care, but his frustration comes to a head finally and he lashes out verbally. If I (and you) could change this situation we would, but our family and loved ones don't understand it at all. It's impossible to feel another's pain.

I liked the idea someone had of pinning clothes pins on non-believers so that they could understand the pain we feel, but it seems to me that would take hours...and I doubt they would be willing to go along with it....and even then, it couldn't compare to the deep muscle/bone pain. It would be just a skin irritation.

But I had some redemption the other night, when my acupuncture mat was delivered and I lay on it for a good thirty minutes, and then my husband, thinking I'm just a whimp and complainer, tried to lay on it. He didn't last five seconds! He was amazed. "You can STAND THAT?" Yes, I can. And I also like deep tissue massage (which he cannot bear!) so he's learning that I am not "weak," as he's said, but I am capable of much more pain than he can imagine. He is a retired SF soldier, and he feels that he's been through the worst and he's the toughest thing out there, but honey, he hasn't been in this particular hell that is called fibromyalgia.
 
Hey Southernmom :)
I understand at least somewhat of how you feel. When my pain levels are a 6 or higher, I know I get whiny. I can't seem to help myself. I know my husband loves me. We've been together for 31 years and married for 29. But he can be a real insensitive a** sometimes. It seems like anything I comment on he dismisses or doubts. I am not as intelligent as he is in many ways but I am NOT stupid. Lots of times I can't remember something right away or maybe all of an article I read. That makes me FEEL stupid. I tell him how he makes me feel when he doesn't answer me or says, "It can't be that bad."
They just don't understand but they do need to show empathy. I had to teach my husband, who comes from a very unemotional home - no hugs or I love yous. I was in extreme pain one afternoon and I needed consoling. I started telling him how bad my pain was and couldn't help but cry. He just sat there looking at me. I told him,"This is the part where you hug me and kiss me. "
"Oh. It is?", he says. "Yes!" I stressed emphatically. He finally moved over next to me and.gave me a long, sincere hug.
I think if a relationship is going to work, both parties have to communicate. I also understand that my husband and select friends get tired of hearing "what's wrong now". So, I need all of you to "listen", share your stories and offer suggestions of things you've found helpful; just as I will do for you to the best of my ability.
 
Our stories about our partners are all sooo similar. It does hurt though it really does when the pain and your life is such a struggle and the person you need the most to validate empathize and love you more than ever on you bad days doesn't always respond in the way you need so desperately.

It is kind of comforting to me that i am not the only one who does comlpain even though i almost hate the sound of my own voice and the same old words coming out of my mouth but when you dont know which way to turn it's human nature to vent what is total heartbreak trying to fight this illness.

We are all unbelievable brave THEY just don't know it.

My heart goes out to you all and your stories brought tears to my eyes. HUGS
 
Sounds like he's selfish, and shouldn't be so abraisive ,it's your call, I am not one to give advice, but let him go, u don't need disrespect, or any added stress. Some men don't have compassion, or are unable. Sorry but your worth RESPECT!
No disrespect to the men here, it can go both ways.
 
Hey Southermom84.

I feel your pain. i am a mom of 2. A toddler, and an 7 yr old. I am also married. Days can be hard. Its hard to complain about the same things over and over again as if they expect us just to be better. I hide my body all the time. It hurts. We are always supposed to be up on the day. Chores done, kids taken care of and dinner ready.
 
It's really hard with him most of the time. I don't even think he would care, at least for a while, if I left him.
 
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