Old 03-10-2016, 09:50 AM #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Constant unwanted advice and comments about Fibro

Hi.Im new on here so hello to everyone. I'm not sure if this was the right place to post this but it seemed appropriate being the thread for venting.
i have been speaking to a friend. My friends daughter is not at all sympathetic or understanding about Fibro and believes her friends Fibro is in her head,hence believing mine is also. Anyway,my friend told me that her daughter firmly believes we should just shut up and get on with it and that I don't really have it,it's just that I need to get out more and exercise basically. I couldn't care less if my friends daughter believes me or not. i know I do. What hurts me is that my friend keeps repeating this to me. I don't need to know. I suspect in all honesty that she agrees with her daughter or else why would she keep telling me this stuff. She then went on to say that exercise is good for it and maybe I'm not doing enough. I told her I'm already seeing a nurse at my surgery and doing physio type exercises. I also said that some days I can't get out of bed let alone move or do exercise but she just kept saying," yes but I'm trying to say you maybe do the wrong ones". At this point I just stopped talking and gave up. I have also been diagnosed with Bipolar and she doesn't really understand that either. Her first comment was ,"but you don't look or act crazy". This is the woman who helped me through some tough times and I feel I owe her a lot but honestly it's becoming harder to understand her lack of compassion and empathy. I don't want sympathy or a medal but would really like her to just stop telling me things I don't want to hear. I know I shouldn't let it bother me and it seems such a silly thing to get upset over but I am sat here crying now. I have a lot to deal with and some days are really an achievement if I even get through it so I wish people would think before they speak.
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Old 03-10-2016, 10:54 AM #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Constant unwanted advice and comments about Fibro

Hi essieb. Sounds like an emotional pull. Friendships tend to be another fatality of fibromyalgia. I'm with you, who cares what her daughter thinks? Perhaps the next time your friend reminds you of the "non-believers" you could tell her you don't care what they think but her friendship is important to you and it is important to you to have friends that believe and support you (as you would for them) then just ask her if she keeps bringing up her daughters opinion because it's her own? Family is the only ones I put up with criticizing me and I minimize that contact. Her comments that you don't look crazy is probobly just making light of it, my bff is bo-pollar and the only time we really even talk about it is when her meds need changing. You could joke back that just because you don't look crazy it doesn't mean you won't be on the 10:00 news for being the first person to figure out how to inflict fibro pain on friends! (JK but you get the idea)
You don't owe a real friend anything. That's not how friendship works. Friendships change as people change. Sometimes a dying friendship can feel like a funeral. It is very painful to let go of a stong bond. You don't have to let go of the person, but it sounds like the relationship has already changed and you need to talk to your friend to c where it is evolving to. dint keep taking these passive/aggressive comments. She may not even realize the affect they are having on you and your friendship.
My heart goes out to you. I understand the hurt and frustration you feel. But don't let guilt keep you from improving your situation.
This is just my opinion and what I would/have done in similar situations. Follow your heart, you'll get there on your own time and own (fibro) pace.
Good thoughts coming your way.
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Old 03-10-2016, 05:17 PM #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Constant unwanted advice and comments about Fibro

Hi essieb, friendships are hard at the best of times, but when you are trying to cope with everything else going on your patience can be tested, who cares what her daughter says , she seems very opinionated, but will probably find she knows very little about fibro, next time your friend tells you what her daughter has said, just say good job it you I'm friends with you then not your daughter, as her how she see life for some one with fibro , try educating her about your illness, don't let her assume whats it's like, tell her bluntly, what's it's like, and you need her to understand so as a friend which you value more than anything , you need her support , take her to appointments, this is what I did , let her here from the professionals what struggles you have on daily basis, explain you cannot just do regular excerxises this is not a option, take her to physio with you, see for herself how difficult this is, if this still doesn't change her perception on your illness, maybe it's time to find new friends, or stick to family they seem to be loyal. People with fibro are not lazy we are strong people, stronger than the non believers, because we have to be to get through each day, with chronic pain and fatigue, hope you can work your friendship out, and keep your friend as she seems to have been strong for you in the past, lots hugs
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Old 03-10-2016, 05:54 PM #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Constant unwanted advice and comments about Fibro

Thank you for your replies. I'm tired now but will reply in more depth tomorrow. Xxx
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Old 03-11-2016, 03:10 AM #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Constant unwanted advice and comments about Fibro

I'm so sorry Essieb that you have a friend making you feel less than. Good friends should never make you feel that way. It is hard enough to cope and function with fibro and chronic fatigue, let alone the other tentacles this disease has. I have some very long-term (40+ years) friendships that had always been there for me. Unfortunately, I got to the point that I was no longer able to work....Things changed with them. On my journey of acceptance to the changes in my life because of my health, I have had to make some difficult decisions in order to feel better about myself. One is to avoid those that are negative or make me feel less than. Once I applied for disability and could no longer work, I had felt like I had to justify myself if I was having a good day. I got into a discussion with a few of my friends one night about maintaining the house. Somehow I attracted OCD friends over the years...lol Well, my bestie told me just to throw a load of clothes in each night and then fold them and put them away. I tried explaining that many days I don't have the energy to even put a load into the washer and that it was overwhelming. She just repeated herself, and repeated herself. I felt so frustrated. What I came to understand is that for now, I can't be around them. Maybe some day. I haven't seen them since August, which is very unlike us. You may need to get to the same place along your journey. You may not....I hope you don't, but you need to take care of you. I have started spending time with other friends and have received a warm compassionate welcome. Good luck to you....You are valuable, your ailments are very real and you deserve to have compassionate support to help you through this.....
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Old 03-11-2016, 05:26 AM #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Constant unwanted advice and comments about Fibro

Hi. Thank you again for your lovely comments. It's so nice to be amongst people who understand. I spoke with another friend last night and told her how I feel. She has been very supportive since I basically blurted out everything I've got going on. Before that she was angry I'd not let her in and frustrated because she didn't understand what I was dealing with. I did also tell my other friends in the end and this recent upsetting call was with one of those people who were told all about my problems. I guess that's why I'm finding it so difficult to understand why she says these things. I know she may be confused or even upset I'm not as available but frankly I've distanced myself for many reasons and this is one of them. I can't handle being around someone who listens to what others say or judges me and won't hear me when I explain or give her medical information. I suffer from PTSD and am currently reading a book on how to deal with my emotions and being more compassionate to myself. It's quite helpful. It's also pointed out to me that sometimes changing the way you are and behave means that you can lose people who can't adapt. I suppose because I've known this woman the longest out of all my friends I hoped she'd be the easiest of them to talk to and the most supportive. It saddens me that she doesn't realise her comments hurt. She upset me in our last conversation too by repeating gossip about me. What they'd said was untrue and ridiculous but what hurt me most is that she felt she needed to tell me. I laughed it off and she said she had told them it was rubbish but I don't understand why it's necessary to tell me when she knows it will hurt my feelings. I'm rambling and I'm sorry. It's just I've been holding this in for ages. My shoulders ache and my lower back is killing me today. I've tried to do some bits and bobs but I've had to concede and rest. This is something else that was mentioned. I told her I keep myself active and try to do housework and things but sometimes I just have to rest. Her reply was that that isn't exercise and inferred she was fed up of sitting in. I suppose that is in reference to when she visits once every month. Although I know her other friends don't ask her out much anymore as they have partners and I think she feels alone since she has no partner. But I've offered to go see her. Another friend goes see her and invites her out. She goes out a few times in the week with friends. I think I'm going to have to accept that this may not end well. I may try to have a conversation with her about it when I'm feeling less emotional and hope that I can make her understand. If not I may have to accept that sometimes friendships don't last and that she maybe can't and won't ever be able to get it.
Again I'm rambling. Sorry. Thank you for caring enough to answer. It's lovely. When you feel so alone with your illnesses it's so nice to find such warm,friendly people. Thank you.
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Old 03-11-2016, 10:46 AM #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Constant unwanted advice and comments about Fibro

Your Normal
In that......your normal is not her normal. I would never wish any auto immune disease on anyone, but....is that what it takes to show some one how it feels. Fibro had left me angry at Dr.s. , Angry at Family.....Well Anger is such a negative emotion, I can't be angry, I have to choose love, love is a Powerful emotion that can overcome obsticles.
So what can one do? Hmmmm, how about never bringing up fibro to her again? If she brings it up look for a way of escape, change the subject? Loveingly excuse yourself and tell her something came up and you have to go.
I'm finding this forum, and a had full of friends who are experiencing the same thing, are most helpful. Don't give others a ticket to discourage you. They have NO right.
Sincerly.
YOUR NEVER ALONE.
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Old 03-12-2016, 02:26 AM #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Constant unwanted advice and comments about Fibro

Hi Essieb, I am very sympathetic... one of the couples my husband and I had been friends with for some time ended our friendship shortly after I was diagnosed. It was a very messy ending with a lot of of passive aggressive behavior on their part, especially the male half of the couple. It is hard some days not to feel angry and dwell on how they treated me. But to be honest, that relationship had been strained for some time and it was a relief to let it go. I am lucky that most of our other friends have been diamonds. I do my best to appreciate the treasures in my life
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Old 03-14-2016, 01:33 AM #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Constant unwanted advice and comments about Fibro

Essieb, I don't think you are rambling at all. You are processing and hurting and trying to figure out how to make this work and to understand how others can be so, sorry to be blunt, but dense. lol

You will get there. My way of looking at who to spend time with is, "Do they bring me up? Are they compassionate? Am I accepted regardless?". Those are truly the simple questions that I look at in who I now give my precious energy and time too. It was a journey I took, and am still on. I still love my long-time friends. I always will. They are like family to me, but I may not have the same relationship with them that I once did. I have mourned that loss quite honestly and am finding I hurt less. I hope you can start to feel better about that. You are important and you need positive people in your life in order to cope with this disease and likely many others. Gentle hugs....
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Old 03-14-2016, 05:52 AM #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Constant unwanted advice and comments about Fibro

Hi Essieb...sadly what you are going through with friends is a typical experience we all come up against sometimes not just with friends but family and even partners too.

The balance of relationships change and some people revel in kind of having the power element even when you have had a great friendship for years.

This has happened to me at different times in my life...when my husband suddenly left me when i thought we were rock solid had a young child...doing up a house always loving and affectionate.

His sister was my best friend for 15 years and we continued to be friends but gradually she seemed to enjoy letting me know how happy my ex was with his new girlfriend etc...things she didn't need to say. I think she had always been secretly a bit jealous of our happiness...we both had great jobs a lovely home and seemed very loved up...and this was her opportunity to make me feel bad and therefore herself better as she now seemed to have all the advantages while i was alone and heartbroken.

Similar things have happened since getting fibro..only one friend really stayed solid and even then she phones me up to say things like she has an itchy scalp thats really getting her down or her jaw hurts after a dental appointment but luckily paracetamol takes it away.

I am always compassionate and realize these things are important to her...but there is a bit of me inside that thinks for gawd sake is that allll you have to worry about.

She knows i am often in bed in pain but people are still wrapped up in their own lives and feelings. They will tolerate hearing about our suffering to a degree but they will never really understand.

It's frustrating and hurts when our friend don't get us. We want them to love us more..care more...be even kinder. I hope you can work through this and keep getting something from this friendship.

If after time she continues to bring you down maybe a time will come where you have to distance yourself. Only you will know when and if that is best for you.

There is a good video on utube called voices of fibro by Haullie Volker but it doesnt play on android devices. Maybe let her watch it...infact there are lots if you have a browse.

Take Care. Good Luck x

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Old 04-01-2016, 10:26 PM #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Constant unwanted advice and comments about Fibro

Dear essie, I'm sorry to hear your friend is so rude and ignorant. Because that is what it is, sorry if I sound too blunt, but people who make that kind of comments are plain ignorant and rude. I'm sure she knows what she says is hurtful, but doesn't think it's such a big deal. She should keep her comments to herself, because it's quite clear she is being very disrespectful to you... but uses her daughter as a shield. You need to tell her how you feel, otherwise she might never stop. You might also want to tell her she needs to stop using her daughter as a shield. You might owe her, but that doesn't give her the right to be so mean... She sounds so controlling.

I've dealt with people like her in the past, don't bother trying to make her believe in fibro... just stop her right there with that rude attitude. She is damn disrespectful, it needs to stop. She is practically insulting you on your own face. If she doesn't believe in fibro that is fine, doesn't really matter, but she needs to respect you. You are free to believe whatever you want, just like she is. It's like an atheist verbally harassing a religious person, telling him/her believes are wrong and his/hers are right. Yes, I am talking about both tolerance and respect.
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Old 04-04-2016, 07:24 AM #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Constant unwanted advice and comments about Fibro

Receiving unwanted advice and commenting is like reminding us of something we don't need to be reminded...
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Old 04-06-2016, 03:10 PM #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Constant unwanted advice and comments about Fibro

How about telling her... You know so much (sarcastic tone) ... you should go to medical school !
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Old 04-08-2016, 10:19 AM #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Constant unwanted advice and comments about Fibro

Hi @EssieB, Welcome to the forum. I suspect you're correct in thinking that your friend shares her daughter's opinion. My family doesn't believe in disabilities, and after living with that attitude all of my life, I refuse to accept it from friends or those who aren't even friends or family. I just no longer care what most people think, and don't believe it's worth hanging onto relationships that aren't working for me.

It's wonderful that she's been supportive in the past. Since that's the case, perhaps your friend has a bit of compassion fatigue with regard to you, and it might be best to back off somewhat as far as sharing your circumstances with her. Perhaps keeping the relationship at a more superficial level would work, at least for now. In the meantime, you can vent here and develop some other friendships with people who understand what you're going through.
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