Hi David,
It's great to hear from you again - please don't feel embarrassed about reaching out in a dark moment. For those of us who have felt what it's like to be in that place, we really understand all the second guessing and vulnerability that can strike. Connecting with others who relate can help a lot, and nobody here is going to judge you for even a second on that stuff. Your messages are very articulate, so don't worry about that either!
The pain of bladder and kidney infections is honestly one of the worst things to be stuck with - it leaves you feeling truly wretched! So, whether the sensations are phantom or not, I really feel for you on what you're going through. It sounds like ditching the kratom is probably a good idea - it sucks if it was helping with the pain, but I'd go for doing everything you can to support your kidneys until this pain improves, and work on the basis that they might be vulnerable even if they're absolutely fine.
You're not alone with the weight training frustration. I have also thrown myself into some really awful flares by trying to start weight lifting again (identity crisis attached!), and it's a conversation that comes up here quite a lot. Having already been checked out by your doctor, I'd also run with your thought that overexertion is behind how much worse your feeling now, combined with cumulative stress. The good news is that this should mean that you can pull the flare back by being extra careful and gentle with yourself for a while. You're totally right to just lean into the relief that you're feeling so far and not overthink it - when we can manage it, letting things go can knock the wind right out of the sales of anxiety!
I'm so happy to hear that you're getting support with cleaning your place, and hopefully financially too. There is no shame in needing help - sometimes we simply can't do it alone with fibro, no matter how much we wish otherwise. As far as deluding yourself goes, I'm certain that we all do that! This is the kind of illness that leaves us doubting our own judgement, self protecting in an unhealthy way by boxing off certain things in our minds, or getting overly self-critical if we aren't careful. Self compassion and kindness is key to moving past these kinds of pitfalls - something you've already identified - so trust that instinct too! It actually sounds like you're doing a great job of working through some seriously challenging introspection. Don't forget to give yourself credit
With your health anxiety in mind, I'm imagining your probably pretty stuck in a very stressed out state? I had a really hard time with that, and a psychologist helped me pull myself out of it. Stress is just about the worst culprit for aggravating fibromyalgia, and we easily get stuck in a vicious loop where stress triggers symptoms, which in turn trigger more stress, and so everything just escalates.
One of the things that the therapist taught me to address this was the idea of "radical acceptance", which includes learning to sit with our symptoms and recognise them (rather than either trying to ignore them or catastrophising, which were my two default settings!) while reminding ourselves that the symptoms of fibromyalgia aren't a threat. They are horrible to experience, but they don't actually hurt us, so we don't need to go into fight or flight. It felt counterintuitive to begin with, but with practice, this really helped me.
Alongside reading about the parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous systems, the other thing that you might find useful is reading up on psychologist Paul Gilbert's theory of the three human emotional systems. His work centred around our inclination to bounce between what he calls our
threat and
drive states, and learning how to instead move into a
soothe state. You might find it interesting!
This forum has been great for me, and it's always wonderful to welcome new people. Whether we are giving or getting advice, venting or joking, or commiserating with each other through difficult periods, it really helps with feeling seen, understood, and connected. I hope you find that here too, and will look forward to hearing from you in the future!