Thanks sunkacola, oh yes I am very lucky to have done some of the things I have in the past. I have had a blessed life and I am proud of the person I was.
I have had that profound love, the love we all crave. But he basically was dying in my arms and I didn’t realise. My daughter and I got to the hospital and as I got my sweet 4week old grandson out of the car he was gone
. I screamed at my daughter to get him and #%#%##%# run. I live with a world of why, what’s if. If only . I think I died that day with our bub.
Oh yes fimi I am proud as punch with with my kids , they have grown up to be awesome young adults. And my 4 grandkids and
in heaven.
I am so glad you at least had that. And I think that you could be proud of the person you are
now, as well as the person you were!
The worth of a person is not measured in how much they can do physically or how much they can accomplish. Always remember that.
I, too, have struggled with the why, what if, if only with the death of my partner. But I came to understand over the years since then that those are useless questions and only serve to make me miserable, which is in turn useless, only harmful, and not what I want or what my partner would have wanted for me.
The thing about those questions is that they are never, ever, going to be answerable. WHY is a question no one can answer if it has to do with why something like this happened. Things happen, it's as simple as that. It's never a punishment or a reward or for a reason, because the universe doesn't run on a merit system.
What if or if only.....The thing is that you will never know, no one can know, what would have happened if .....
It might have happened anyway. It might have been worse. It might not have happened but been better. It might or might not have been different in the outcome at all because we are never in control of the outcomes of our actions.
We can choose to do things, but whether or not we can do them and the outcome of doing them if we do is out of our hands. Even writing this I know that while I choose to come to the forum and have that intention, I might not have been able to turn my computer on this morning, or I might suddenly not be able to use my hands, or the website could go down.....there are hundreds of reasons why my intention to do anything may not have the outcome I want or thought it would have. My intention is to helo, but I don't control whether it actually helps a person or hurts them.
What I have come to it that I just live. I take each day as it comes. I have hopes and dreams but I know it's not in my control whether or not those happen. I never ask WHY any more and I always send the "what if" thoughts packing the minute they show up.
I have found the energy spent on those questions and feelings is far better put to managing this day,,accepting what is on this day, dealing effectively with what pain I have or don't have today, what I can get done today and if I can help an animal or person today. My life, and my fibromyalgia have been so much easier since I came to this understanding for myself.