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painismylife

Active member
Joined
May 11, 2014
Messages
35
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
02/2011
Country
US
State
SC
The past several days have been a haze of pain. It was a great accomplishment to take a bath. I hadn't in several days. I am tired but can't sleep. I'm... thinking about ending the pain. All of it. For good. I think I have enough meds. I have researched the lethal doses for each of them, plus have some anti-nausea meds to prevent them from just making me throw them back up. I am torn. I want to die, but then I don't. Has anyone ever felt this way? Been this close it? Or closer? Could really use some support.
 

nascarmike

Senior member
Joined
Nov 7, 2013
Messages
227
Diagnosis
06/2013
Country
US
State
rhode island
Jill don't give up, people here get it and many of us have been where you are right now. You are not alone. P.s. pills seldom work and you will probably only succeed in frying out your liver. Seek some professional help and stay safe. Please keep us posted on how you are.
 

painismylife

Active member
Joined
May 11, 2014
Messages
35
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
02/2011
Country
US
State
SC
Thanks, nascarmike. I know that you guys get it. And I know I have a lot of good reasons to live and really only one good reason to die. I try very hard to keep some semblance of a normal life. I try to not let the pain "beat" me, even though many times, I feel very defeated. There are so many different things going on... too much to list really. So many things I have not dealt with in my past. So many people who just don't call or text or email, because basically they are tired of asking the question, "How are you doing?" and not getting the lie, "Fine. You?" And I am tired of feeling alone. Alone with my pain. Physical pain. Emotional pain. Just... pain. P.S. I know pills seldom work. That is why I have been researching the lethal levels of each one of the prescriptions I take, and hoarding the pills to have enough to take the lethal doses of as many as I can when the time comes. Right now, I am safe, because someone is here with me. She just doesn't know how close a relationship I want with death. I am trying to find something to hold onto. Someone who matters more than how much I hurt. I know what I am thinking about is selfish. But, I guess I feel like it is finally time to put me first. I will let you know how I am doing up until the time comes. I am so glad I found this place. I wish I had found it sooner.
 

HappyToBeAlive

Active member
Joined
Sep 22, 2014
Messages
35
Reason
Undiagnosed
Diagnosis
09/2014
Country
US
State
OH
Hello painismylife, Welcome. My name is HAPPYTOBEALIVE,not HAPPYTOBEDEAD. Yes, There have been times when if I could die naturally, it would've been a Blessing.The pain can be overwhelming,people harp at you,"you're always sick". You get left out,or you feel too bad to go. It happens. When I was 6 ,going on 7,My Daddy took his own life. My entire life turned upside down. When I was 19, my best friend did the same thing. All her family and friends were devastated! She left behind a little 6 year old boy. I am telling you this, which I've never shared before,because no pain,no fatigue,no sickness of any kind..is worth taking your life! There are people in your life who will be devastated. Family and friends whose hearts will Never mend. I know it gets unbearable at times, but don't give up! Fight back with Knowledge! Figure out things that you can use to Defeat some of that Fibro pain! Not Every day will be this bad! There will be some good days! Life Is worth Living! I have had Fibro since I was a kid. I went undiagnosed forever because I didn't have Ins.,and I hurt too bad to work anymore. There were times when my head was splitting wide open with the pain, and I was hanging over the commode that I thought I might die. But, It wasn't my time. Don't let Fibro Beat you! Find something to Live for! There are other people right now who need Your Support,encouragement,help. And what if at some point,they find the cause for Fibro? Eventually,Someone will discover how to help us. There is so much to live for! Find Prof. help for your depression, learn things that will help your pain,fatigue,etc. If you choose death over life..You will break my heart! PLEASE! KEEP FIGHTING! Soft Hugs. We're here for you.
 

painismylife

Active member
Joined
May 11, 2014
Messages
35
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
02/2011
Country
US
State
SC
Thank you, HappyToBeAlive. I have talked to my best friend about things. I told her exactly how I was feeling- that this wasn't some ploy to get attention. I told her I did not feel safe, that sometimes I did not feel like I was in control of what I was doing- almost like I disassociate but not quite. That is something I never thought I would tell anyone, so we have both gone out on a limb. We've made a plan. Until I start feeling better (with the help of counselling and meds), she is going to keep my meds on her. Thank you so much for your support, tough love and willingness to share.
 

HappyToBeAlive

Active member
Joined
Sep 22, 2014
Messages
35
Reason
Undiagnosed
Diagnosis
09/2014
Country
US
State
OH
This is a Safe place and you can be yourself! I am sooo PROUD of you Jill! No matter how black the darkness,it only takes one little beam of light to pierce that darkness! When you need to,share your heart. Joining this forum was the smartest decision I could've made, and I hope you can feel the love from all the caring people here! I am so glad you have such a wonderful BF! The mind can be a tricky thing sometimes. Glad you are taking this seriously! Thank you! Whether it is Fibro Fog making you feel off and depressed, or something that messes with your thoughts, We all need help sometimes. Please let us know how you are doing my friend. Prayers for you,and Soft Hugs. My choosing to live,you Are Fighting The Good Fight!
 

HappyToBeAlive

Active member
Joined
Sep 22, 2014
Messages
35
Reason
Undiagnosed
Diagnosis
09/2014
Country
US
State
OH
Oops! I meant to say"By choosing to live, you ARE Fighting the Good Fight! I believe in my heart, you are a good person. Hope you can resolve those"things" in your past. Congrats, you have taken the first step,which is the hardest!
 

Trellum

Legendary member
Joined
Jul 17, 2013
Messages
1,788
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
04/2011
Country
NL
State
NL
Hi there, Jill. I totally get you, and yes I was close twice, but failed (thankfully). I know life can be so overwhelming, even without fibro, but you need to keep on fighting. For real, I don't think ending your life can be a good idea, I believe in God and I believe we are all still alive for a reason. I really think dying when God intend us to is the best choice. You are obviously depressed... I know hat is like because I've been there and is totally i possible to see anything clear when you are like that. So please don't make a decision when you are not thinking very clearly!

You are not thinking straight, believe me. You just can't do that when you are depressed, believe me when I tell you that if you will surely regret it and sadly it might be too late. Don't take a decision like this when you are not thinking straight. Be strong! And please keep us posted! Try to find help for your depression.
 

kathleen

Member
Joined
Oct 2, 2014
Messages
17
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
12/2006
Country
CA
State
ON
I'm glad you shared what you are going through, it can be very tough and you are very strong for reaching out for help.

Like happytobealive, my father committed suicide just after my 4th birthday. My little brother was just 2 at the time. It affected us greatly and still does, we are both in our 40's now. I'm glad you are seeking help for your deep depression, because it would be such a huge loss to more people than you may realize.

I tried to kill myself when I was 19 and my brother intervened. It is very difficult when you just don't see any hope for the future or any relief from your suffering. It can get better. I am happy that I was stopped from finishing myself off. I had a beautiful baby boy when I was 26 and he is now a young man of 21 and I am so proud of him. I would have missed out on all of that and he never would have been born.

I still get bouts of deep depression. I get so tired of the daily struggle and fighting I'm sure we all have to go through with this illness that I wish it would all end. Having lost my father that way, I couldn't do that to my son. I know how terrible it is to lose a parent that way. It can get better, everything is impermanent and will change. Try to remember there are people that love you and you don't know what the future may bring into your life. There may be wonderful things just around the corner waiting for you. Good luck, I hope you win this battle. You are winning so far.
 

painismylife

Active member
Joined
May 11, 2014
Messages
35
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
02/2011
Country
US
State
SC
Thank you, kathleen and Trellum, for your words of encouragement and support, and thank you for sharing personal things in your life in order to help me. I really appreciate that. Even in cyberspace, where you don't see the person you are talking to, it has to be difficult to share things like that. I am truly thankful. I know exactly what you guys are talking about when you talk about your own dealings with depression. Maybe when I am a little stronger, I will start a blog on this site. But for now, I am very happy just posting to and with my "fibro friends." :) Thank you all so much. There is a pinhole bit of light at the end of my tunnel, and I know that you guys are the ones who put it there.
 
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