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sammysue

New member
Joined
Sep 4, 2014
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Undiagnosed
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Country
USA
State
Indiana
I have been dealing with RSD and Fibromyalgia for 10 year. My husband will not rub my back, saying because I won't rub his and that his back hurts because he works. My kids who are 20 and 21 will not help around the house, they both say, because they work, leaving all the housework to my 17 year old son and me. Then my husband yells at me because I haven't done our laundry or our bedroom chores and I try to explain I can only do things at 10 minutes at a time with resting 30 minutes to an hour in between, then by the time I can get around to doing our chores it's bedtime. If I stay up and try and get them done then he yells at me for staying up, being too loud doing this stuff. I try to work on line in between and then he complains my typing bothers him, tv bothers him. No we don't have a living room that has a tv, though I made a sitting room in our bedroom for a tv, however, still no tv.

I am so frustrated that no one understands that daily chores hurt so bad. I get yelled at that I don't cook, even though it takes me about 2 hours to cook a 30 minute meal. Then I get mad and do it and end up being laid up for days.

Any tips on coping with this?
 

Genie2012-uk

Member
Joined
Aug 31, 2014
Messages
12
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
09/2009
Country
UK
State
England
Sammysue: My heart goes out to you as its clear your family dont understand your condition. Your husband needs to
educate himself with fibro so that the children ooops adults will also adapt a more empathic approach. Your teenager
is obviously under pressure with extra chores...I suggest you calll a family meeting to address YOUR concerns. Your
husband is the key here - talk to him as this will breed resentment in the fuuture which will cause marital issues.. You will
have daily flare ups which you wont be able to managed causing you more stress... gentle tugs :)
 

GemmaRowlands

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Jul 29, 2013
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Country
UK
State
Merseyside
You're always going to get people who are inconsiderate, and the bad thing is that not much is known about this condition, so it's very unlikely that they will ever be able to fully understand what you're going through. You really need to sit everybody down in the same room together who you have a problem with and just let them know how you feel about the way that things are, and how they can help you to improve the way that you're able to enjoy your life. They may feel embarrassed that they have treated you so badly, because they might not even notice, but the great thing is that at least this way you're going to be able to make sure that your voice is heard.
 

kerin49

Active member
Joined
Jul 24, 2014
Messages
47
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
05/2010
Country
Uni
State
Oregon
I have very similar family members who just don't "get it", so I completely understand. If your husband is someone that you want to stay with than he needs to think about you and what you need. Your condition is what matters and those who are only going to think of themselves need to take a hike! Treat yourself good, tell your husband to either be supportive or leave. This condition will drag you down even more if you keep having extreme stress added to it. You have to take charge and not let ANYONE get in the way of trying to make yourself feel better. Fibromyalgia is a complicated condition and it's hard enough just trying to deal with it. I have had to cut my family members out of my life because all they bring to it is negativity. You don't need it! I hope your husband will think about you and try and assist you with your recovery. Remember too to get plenty of sleep, exercise, and eat as clean as possible. Meditation is also a big plus to keep your stress levels from increasing. Good luck!
 

1sweed

Moderator
Joined
Feb 4, 2013
Messages
1,956
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
01/1995
Country
US
State
Pennsylvania
sammysue,
First off welcome to the forum. I understand perfectly what your talking about. I get no understanding from my family members and not much help. I recently moved into my mothers house so that I could care for her better, having more room to move around in. But first I had to clean out my mom's house as it was a mess. I got no help from my brothers. Their excuse was we work out of town. On the weekends they went shopping or partied the weekend away. If not for my dear church friends I would never have gotten moved. Once in a while one of my brothers would say, Did you get moved yet?
But no help was offered. I had to pack up and move my stuff into another stuffed house almost alone. Then I had to move my raised beds and plants, plus taking care of my 87 year old mother alone. I was so stressed out and in terrible pain, yet my family was in la la land, having no compassion for me. It is a wonder I did not have a heart attack.

So I can see and feel your pain in trying to get your husband to Get It. It is as if they have blinders on and can only see straight ahead. With family members outside the home it is much different then living with a inconsiderate husband, and I will be praying he sees the condition your in and starts helping more and complaining less.

Look forward to reading your posts. :)
 

AlexF15

Member
Joined
Sep 7, 2014
Messages
19
Reason
Relative
Diagnosis
00/0000
Country
US
State
Arkansas
My brother is always in pain, and I feel bad for him all the time. It's so sad to see him miserable, I hate having to cope with him.. </3
 

Trellum

Legendary member
Joined
Jul 17, 2013
Messages
1,788
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
04/2011
Country
NL
State
NL
No offence, but I think your husband is incredibly inconsiderate, no kidding. He sounds just like my yelling dad, who made my childhood and teenage years so hard. I dislike people who yell too much for no reason.

Gosh, I really have no tips, other than trying to have a serious and calm talk with him, but if he is like my dad he won't listen. So sorry for you. As for your older kids... The dad should make them help.
 

wulfman

Distinguished member
Joined
Jul 27, 2014
Messages
105
Reason
Relative
Diagnosis
00/0000
Country
IN
State
New York
I get a lot of support from my family. Others just don't care. So I keep my distance from them. I think empathy is one of the more honorable traits a human being can have. For those of you who don't get support from family, don't be discouraged. It hurts in the beginning but there are always support groups and people who go through what you are that can relate and help you.
 

cherrygirl

Member
Joined
Sep 8, 2014
Messages
27
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
08/2014
Country
AUS
State
VIC
I empathize! I used to scrub the entire house clean once a week. These past 6 months a simple task like putting washing away is extremely tiring for me.(Playing music while I clean helps ALOT! My favourite is Phil Collins for cleaning day haha).
Cooking, in the past I could quite happily spend 3 hours in the kitchen cooking up a storm. Now I am lazy and just throw things into the oven because, like you, too exhausted and the PAIN! I am ANGRY that I can't do what I want to do (actually do enjoy cleaning).

I'm sorry you don't have your family's support. Your husband sounds like my ex partner (we've just split). Refusing to believe it could be possible that someone could be in pain that stops them from doing normal things. If I have someone's support, someone who empathizes with the pain...I actually feel more motivated to do things, does that make sense? Then you can implement strategies together. Not someone telling you constantly it's all in your head. I think you need couple counselling, if he's open to it. There can be free services not sure about where you are. Try calling a woman's health centre? They have contacts and can send you in the right direction.

I think your older children should have a chore roster it's only fair! And good on your son for pitching in but you both shouldn't be left with everything.
 

wulfman

Distinguished member
Joined
Jul 27, 2014
Messages
105
Reason
Relative
Diagnosis
00/0000
Country
IN
State
New York
Support from children is really crucial. And I think most children will support their parents. Only a small percentage are selfish and turn a deaf ear to their parent's suffering. They may do it to other people but not to their own parents. That would be really cold.
 

moe1959

Very helpful member
Joined
Sep 13, 2014
Messages
708
Reason
Undiagnosed
Diagnosis
09/2014
Country
US
State
wa.
MEAN People suck!
 

moe1959

Very helpful member
Joined
Sep 13, 2014
Messages
708
Reason
Undiagnosed
Diagnosis
09/2014
Country
US
State
wa.

moe1959

Very helpful member
Joined
Sep 13, 2014
Messages
708
Reason
Undiagnosed
Diagnosis
09/2014
Country
US
State
wa.
Yesterday I had a strange sensation. I had just finished light house work , walking through my house I felt my arms go week and a heavy exaustion. I can't really explain it.
taking Lyrica and Cymbalta, (sp?) so I'm still trying to get my barrings. With btw, gaining weight. Sorry I'm all over the place.
 

QuietLight

New member
Joined
Sep 10, 2014
Messages
6
Reason
Undiagnosed
Diagnosis
04/2014
Country
USA
State
NY
I have found a few videos on YT that help explain fibromyalgia and chronic pain to family and friends. If you type in Fibro for family members or support of fibro, you should find some good videos that may help you in communicating to your family what you are enduring. Sometimes we need our family members to step inside our shoes for a while to see what it is like.

My husband has told people, go grab a back pack and fill it with bricks, then put on 20+lb weights on your wrists and ankles. Then, go try and do housework, go use the toilet, take a shower, vacuum, do any housework. It will become exhausting after a few minutes. Then dare them to do it for an entire day. If they can't handle a day...then you can look at them and say...Oh, and you expect me to do it all too? Until someone can do it daily as a support of their suffering family member, they cannot understand. And to make it more fun...try to get anyone to wear all the weights to bed with them. If they agree to do it...you'll get a sympathizer. If they refuse....then perhaps a trip with you to your doctor to explain it may help.

Unfortunately, many people are too self absorbed to consider what another is suffering and can become combative or just plain rude.

I have 3 daughters, and while raising them, I swear they destroyed my house daily on purpose to see me suffer and crawl to bed in pain after many outbursts of anger towards them. I have one left in the house, at 14...she is getting there, but often it takes seeing mom cry in pain and struggle to move that gets her motivated...but when she does, she spit shines better than I could ever do. My older two, both mothers themselves, I actually dread their visits because they leave the house sticky from my grandchildren and only talk about their sympathy...not actually show it.

Like your son, my youngest ended up being the "Cinderella" of the house. I told her, I don't want her to slave for the house or her sisters, just keep up the house as you go along.

But my worst days....I went on strike....and if it continued...I have been known to take everything, including dirty dishes, clothes etc. and throw them into a trash bag and out to the dumpster. Won't help? Won't be anything much left to help with after I'm done! ;)
 
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