Couldn't even get up on time to go to the doctors

[vickythecat]

ahhhh......for months I'd been coming up with excuses and reasons why I will have to wait till the summer is over to go to the doctor (I hate the heat and public transportation is real nasty in the heat over here).

Now it is autumn, due to a family emergency I cannot leave my mom alone at home, so when my sister is here to watch over her, I told myself over and over and over again 'no excuses you are going to the doctor'.

To the doctor, for many many many reasons. I have to see at least 6 different doctors because I have not been to any in years (incl. basic things like the dentist, an eye-check)
I prepared everything, wrote down everything, made little notes for each doctor, performed what I was going to say a dozen times, kept on telling myself 'get it over with, this needs to happen, you need help', but...

I could not even get out of this morning. I could not move. The thought of leaving my house, going into a bus, walking, waiting, even saying good morning was too much. Mentally and physically. So I stayed in bed till 11pm. Feeling guilty, useless, a weak human being.It is a horrible day, thanks to my basic failure.

Physically and mentally I am such a mess, such a big mess that I can't even leave the house to ask for help.....it is so hopeless. I see no future, it is all so dark.

Sorry for the vent, but this is probably the only community who'd get it. I get it, everyone hates going to the doctor, but this is beyond that. I am not even scared of being diagnosed with a terminal disease. I am scared of the world and everything in it. A terminal illness would even be a blessing (I know, it is horrible of me to say, but it is how I feel and think today, how dark can a mind become)......

 

[Tipnatee N]

Dear Vickythecat

I know say this manytimes to many people here , I get it. This heat , humidity , awful awful chest hurting aching cramps can hardly sleep painful horrible horrible nasty heavy air. It's very hard to breath feeling like world is crushing me out there. I can't drag my self to go far enough to see any doctor during these hot weather either. Manytimes I ended up having to turned back instead. As much as I dislike doctor visit I'm not scare of seeing them, getting there is another situation. It's like a bad video game where I stepping out of the house and it became a war zone where I kept getting kill each step I takes.

 

[diamond]

I hate doctors too and all that goes with it....dear vicky you have been traumatized in various ways, suffering from fibro and mental health issues..you are sensitive and just plain worn down to the bone inside and out.

It makes perfect sense to me. i have also got to a point where i have dark feelings...if you knew me..how i was i would never have thought that possible.. Im finding life extremely hard and pointless myself so while i cant feel your anguish i know it exists.

Hang in there...we all care about you.

 

[Lubkos way]

It is too bad that we all share those feelings.I haven't seen my endocrinologist in two years and a half,even though I know I should follow the growth of the lumps in my thyroid.Even if I make the appointment today,I will have to wait eight months before I see him.He looks at his stupid numbers and doesn't care about how I am feeling,or the quality(or lack of) of my life.I hate going to see him too because,what is the point?

 

[vickythecat]

He looks at his stupid numbers and doesn't care about how I am feeling,or the quality(or lack of) of my life.I hate going to see him too because,what is the point?

I feel you! This is also part of why I am going the doctor's office with 1 step forward, 2 steps back - like most of us here, I have not been taken seriously for so long either. What's the point? is such a common sentiment here.

I don't want to go through that frustration again, that 'see, this proves I am weak, not even a doctor who is trained to heal patients is iistening to me, I am not important, am worthless....' mental phase.

 

[Tipnatee N]

I feel you! This is also part of why I am going the doctor's office with 1 step forward, 2 steps back - like most of us here, I have not been taken seriously for so long either. What's the point? is such a common sentiment here.

I don't want to go through that frustration again, that 'see, this proves I am weak, not even a doctor who is trained to heal patients is iistening to me, I am not important, am worthless....' mental phase.

Mental phase, ah yes the mutual feeling we're all share. Maybe Doctors just hate feeling inferior to the deceases. Like if he or her act too concern to fibro patients, he'll suffer mentally defeat times after times again when he lack of the ability to help anyone. Kinda like us. Maybe?

 

[Lubkos way]

I think you hit the nail on the head!Their egos can not take the fact that they are not as smart as they thought they were.They are like a peach and bruise easily!!!