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sunkacola

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I am beginning to wonder if I should get medication for depression. I have been pretty seriously depressed for at least two years.....really it is four, but I could call it "Grief" for the first two years, to be accurate. Every morning I wake up wishing I had not woken up. Only my dogs get me out of bed.

I also am having anxiety attacks. for about the past 8 months. sometimes there is actually something that reasonably would make me anxious but I over-react to it and have an anxiety attack. Sometimes I have one just over going to the market to shop for food! It is not rational.

I am afraid to go to the doctor to get medication, for fear it will go on my record and come back to bite me later. (This has happened to me in the past.) I am also worried they will force me to go to a counselor, and I strongly suspect that would be a waste of time for me.

but I don't know what to do, I am so depressed all the time. No one knows. I put on a very good front for my work and no one would guess. I am an expert at hiding how I feel inside, but it is pretty bad. Anyone have any advice?
 

Sagey

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Hi Sunkacola,

I know Fibromyalgia and other life experiences can get u depressed. And it sounds like you have had that for awhile.If you are saying this to yourself , that means you know u need help.

You should definitely go see a psychiatrist, just in case they decide to order you medication.We all try to hide things that we don't want people to know about . Everyone does that, but not getting help because you are afraid it will be in the chart is something that you should not worry about.

So many people have Depression and even doctors. So try not to worry about that. You have to take care of yourself. All information on your chart is private and confidential. They are not allowed to disclose to anyone unless u give permission.

Please call and get help no one should feel like they don't want to get up. I know you said that a therapist is something that might not help you.But I have found that when you talk to someone and release that grief and bad feelings,that it can make you feel better.Ive been seeing a therapist and she's great.I feel so much better after I see her.

Sunkacola,,know one should be depressed or have anxiety that long, like you said. Please take care of yourself and see a doctor.I don't know if you have children.But they always say that you can't take care of others,unless you take care of yourself!

Depression and anxiety is very common. I hope you can Find help and please let us know if it helped.We are here to support you.

Feel better,

Sagey

I have to mention that there is a National suicide number:1800-273-8255
And even though u might not need this.I feel it is always good for everyone to be aware of this.0r call 911 if you need immediate help in US.
you.
 

sunkacola

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Hi Sagey,
thanks for your reply.

Unfortunately, it is not true that no one can see your medical records unless you give permission.
I was injured in a car accident several years ago. I had to sue the rental car company of the car that caused the accident, and they subpoenaed my prior medical records because they were making a case that my back problems were prior existant. When they saw in the records that I had been treated for depression EIGHT YEARS previously, they made a big deal out of it, grilled me mercilessly on the stand in court about it, made fun of me, and made a case that I was mentally ill and making up the pain from the accident. As a result, even though I won the case because I was clearly in the right, I got nothing for pain and suffering.
So at least in this country, don't believe that medical records are safe. They are not!

As for seeing a therapist, I guess it is a case of Been There Done That. Unfortunately, in all of the years and dozens of practitioners that I have seen and the thousands and thousands of dollars it has cost me, only one therapist out of all of them ever helped me, and even that was limited. So I tend not to want to do that again. My experience recently was that the low cost clinic I have to go to sent me to a therapist who was fresh out of some community college, and she really had no idea what to do with me. As I was actually trained as a psychotherapist myself years ago I was more knowledgeable than she was. All she did was say things like "everything happens for a reason" and other cliches until I got so sick of it I did not go back.

Thanks for your concern. I posted a "Depression Letter" today that will give you some idea of what I am talking about.
I don't know if any medication can help me, but I am considering trying that again just in case they have come up with a new one that I never tried before.

As for suicide....no worries. been there, done that. Didn't exactly work out so I won't try that again.
 

diamond

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Hi Sunkacola...i feel for you so much i think our sympathetic nervous systems in some of us get stressed too much for too long it fires off over less and less until ordinary things that would previously only be minor pressure causes severe anxiety..add in fibro and this in itself is a recipe for depression if you have it more severely.......then add in real life and any hurts or relationship /work/financial issues or just how we as individuals are made and life can seem pointless.

Just know while our reasons and life experience maybe different some of us understand your level of depression..its the worst feeling.

I too have never had any luck or help from coucelling/therapy..i had a little years ago after my marriage ended but i didnt have fibro then so it may have hepled to have someone to talk to but at end of the day it was my own health..doing and achieving that pulled me out of the way i felt...new life new relationship followed later.....i am lost too now as i am stuck home now with fibro and none of the tools like activity and socializing to pull me out of depression...no amount of talking would fix me either.

We are all different and i hope things improve for you some how.Take Care
 
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sunkacola

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Thank you very much for that reply, Willow. Much appreciated. Just knowing someone can relate to what I am saying is a warm feeling.
 

Chinodera

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Thank you very much for that reply, Willow. Much appreciated. Just knowing someone can relate to what I am saying is a warm feeling.



Lifestyle changes that can treat depression. Exercise. Regular exercise can be as effective at treating depression as medication. Not only does exercise boost serotonin, endorphins, and other feel-good brain chemicals, it triggers the growth of new brain cells and connections, just like antidepressants do
 

diamond

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the problem is when fibro is so bad walking round the house is so painful and walking or exercise however hard is impossible...its like being trapped in a coffin and with depression as a result.no tools like exercise and activities to help..so kind of a vicious circle as for me being trapped causes anxiety too,

i know most peoples finbro doesnt get this bad,,,mine wasnt for first 7 or 8 years but now i can barely stand long enough to brush my teeth and having a shower is major achievement.....i think depression is inevitable and not something medication can fix ..as it cant take away the facts.
 

sunkacola

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Lifestyle changes that can treat depression. Exercise. Regular exercise can be as effective at treating depression as medication. Not only does exercise boost serotonin, endorphins, and other feel-good brain chemicals, it triggers the growth of new brain cells and connections, just like antidepressants do

Thanks for trying to help. I have tried that, in spades. Did so many aerobic classes back in the 80s that they tried to make me an instructor. Studied Yoga so much I qualified to teach that, too. Hiked up and down mountains every single weekend. Lifted weights until total strangers would come up to me to ask where I worked out because I was so muscular. I have been in terrific physical condition, which is good, but I was still depressed.

If you want a partial list (I did not list every single thing, as I am still thinking of things I forgot to mention) of the things that I have tried over the years, read my Depression Letter, which is in this forum. If you know of something that is so new I have not heard of it yet or tired it, let me know. I will try it.
 

diamond

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What a battle sunkacola..you have tried so hard beyond what most people with depression and fibro would..i applaud you for your constant efforts to help yourself....i think if medication could possibly help it might be worth the risk you feel of having it on your records....this is entirely personal choice but you only have one life and i would like to think the horrible belittling experience in court is a rarity and not worth missing out on the possibility depression medication might give you much better quality of life.

Good Luck.
 

medicmurphy

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From your story I wonder if this last episode can be surmounted again? I question this as you mentioned that you went for a four year period depression free. It was the sudden tragic loss of your loved one that triggered this last bout. Grief is profound. It follows a roller coaster route with an uncertain ending. Since you are susceptible to depressive moods then it is not surprising you are struggling four years later following your loss. I agree that giving another kick of the "perverbial medication can" could be a worthy try. What's to lose? Currently you are essentially missing out on life. True, it is hard to maintain motivation when ones mood is very low, however, if a med or combo of med's can help, then it may be worth another go. Please don't give up. You sound very sad and frustrated, in which if course most of us completely understand. Fight to regain some quality of life back. I'm certain you have the mental strength to accomplish this. I have learned that those who must live with mental illness are some of the strongest people on earth!!
 

sunkacola

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Willow and Medicmurphy, thank you very much for your responses.

To be honest, I have no hope or expectation whatever that I will ever again find myself going for a long period of time not being depressed, as I did for those four years.

But then again, I never thought that I would go four years without being depressed, and it happened, so you never know. I think that I will give medication another try, although I hate like hell for it to go into my medical record that I am being treated for depression. With my luck, it will come back and bite me in the future one way or another.

And another thing is that I am afraid of side effects. In a way, I do have something to lose....if the side effects go the wrong way they can make one feel even worse, or make you sick. I also don't want to go to the doctor simply because I don't like her. But I will try to make myself do it anyway. there's really not anything else to try at this point and perhaps there's a medication that is new and better. Then, the question will be whether or not the doctor will prescribe it for me. And whether or not the insurance will pay for it. And so on.

I am also starting to have serious thoughts about moving elsewhere. There are a few reasons for this. One of them is that it could jog me into a different frame of mind if I force myself to pull up roots and go somewhere entirely different in a different state or country.

Thanks for the supportive words about the strength it has taken me to survive and to keep trying so many things. I think that I kept at it for so long because I was convinced that there was something terribly Wrong with me as a person, and I desperately wanted to change that and be a Good person. I know now that there is not something Wrong with me, but I am broken and dysfunctional on the inside and always have been. The fact that I have faced the world entirely alone most of my life adds to it. My partner was the first person I had ever had in my life who was truly supportive of me no matter what, and always there for me. The first time ever that someone had my back. It was amazing to feel that. I think that contributed a great deal to the lifting of my depression, actually. And, of course, having her die so tragically tipped me back into it.

I don't think that grief ever has an ending. In my experience and the experience of others I have talked with about this, it doesn't "get better" the way people say. It gets different, but not better.
But that doesn't mean I necessarily have to be depressed the rest of my life, because grief and depression are not the same thing. It is possible to have grief in your heart and still find joy in life. It is not possible to find joy, not really, if you are depressed.

thanks again, so much, for the support. I have no one who supports me in person, so even though this is only on the internet, I appreciate it.
 

diamond

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Dear sunkacola...again my heart goes out to you...loosing the one person you love and trust to have your back if you are a sensitive soul is devastating....i think reactive depression is inevitable and if you have battled depression much of your life and its in your wiring the pain is almost beyond bearance,
I cant compare but when my marriage to the man i loved more than anything in the world ended so suddenly with no warning no build up of bad times infact from my side quite the reverse..one day i was married for 15 years after a weekend i was alone and definitely fell into depression and had to fight hard to function to keep my little family and home going.

Although i recovered I think i have had a fragility ever since and can resonate with your emotional pain.....you are definitely a wonderful person..to fight depression grief on this scale and fibro takes unimaginable strength and courage....YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON! a very good brave strong person.

I have more respect and admiration for people who keep going and fight than for those who achieve things that come easily to them simply because of genetics and easier life experience.

Please stay here and let us know how you are doing....i too dread the side affects of medication....it has made me very very cautious and reluctant both with fibro meds and for me anti depressants have rarely had any impact except blunt my emotions.

There are newer meds now but again i do understand your reluctance..but maybe just maybe something will really help you..big hugs from UK
 
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Chinodera

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Hi Sunkacola,

I know it's not easy having fibromyalgia, especially if you had a once active and interesting lifestyle. But I think that facing the truth about your disease would make it easier to manage. Denial would only make things worse psychologically and emotionally. While seeing a psychiatrist/psychologist is really helpful, it would also be very therapeutic physically and emotionally to have an exercise regime that fits you. Swimming, biking and walking are three of the top exercises that help release toxins, therefore lowering stress levels and encouraging further relaxation. But I hope you start by accepting who you are and loving yourself despite the disease - because we are not measured by it.
 

sunkacola

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chinodera,

I have no idea what gives you the impression that I have not "faced the truth" about fibromyalgia, let alone that I am even remotely "in denial" about it or do not accept myself as I am.

You don't know me, have nothing whatever upon which to base such comments. And you are way off base, here, not to mention out of line.

Why don't you keep your armchair pop psychology crap to yourself.
It is not the least bit helpful to say things like that to someone about whom you know absolutely nothing.
 
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