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sunkacola

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Having struggled with major depression for most of my life, and being at this point severely depressed, I thought that I would open this thread to see if anyone else here is interested in discussion this topic. I am wondering if we can give each other support and even encouragement, or at the least have a place where we can complain about it with impunity. :)

I am in the worst depression I have had in years. Due to various circumstances, I find myself entirely alone these days and have no one to talk to, no one with whom to do things. My only companions are my dogs, and without them I would simply decide to take an exit from this life. I am a loner by nature, but being so alone that I could die and - literally - no one would even notice for weeks, is a bit much even for me. Add that to fibro pain and fatigue, and various other things, and I am really in an emotional pit.

If anyone else here is depressed and wants to have a conversation about it, maybe even help each other, I am here.
 

brandib819

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I understand what you mean. I have bipolar disorder and frequently go into spells of deep depression. I recently had one in November that I am coming out of. It was so dark. I felt like giving up on everything because of bad situations I was in. Now I am out of them and have regained control of my life, but I feel if I'm not careful I could slip into it again. Like you I realize I have no one except my dog. Due to my two conditions most of my "friends" have abandoned me. The ones that still talk to me don't live here so I don't have that direct closeness or comfort when I really need it. Part of me feels like I'm going down a dark path by getting used to being a lone wolf and shutting everyone out as they shut me out. Because deep down inside I know I really am starving for companionship. The more I push that down the more the depression creeps in. I know it's only a matter of time before the facade breaks and the true desperation and despair floods in and I'm back where I started. I just don't want to feel that pain again. But it's not like I can pretend it's not there when it is. I think that's why I have so much anxiety all the time. I get panic attacks almost daily. Sometimes two or three times a day.
 

sunkacola

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I understand what you are saying, Brandi. ....."the more I push that down the more the depression creeps in". That is how it is for me as well, but I have no idea what if anything I can do about it. I understand what you mean also about so-called friends just leaving your life. And I simply do not have the energy, emotionally or physically, to keep pursuing people who do not respond to my overtures.

I had one very good friend who lives in another state. We had a good correspondence for years, but periodically he would simply stop writing to me for weeks or months. Every single time it was me who jump-started our correspondence again by writing, and every time he would apologize and tell me that I really do mean a lot to him. But the last time he stopped writing to me I just did nothing. I just don't have the energy to keep being the only one who keeps things going. I figured that if I really did mean a lot to him he would make an effort. He hasn't. So there's my answer. Another person I thought was a friend is the same.

I have tried to figure out why, but there's no answer. I was always supportive, a good listener, and caring. I always severely minimized my own problems and sometimes did not even mention my problems, preferring to sound optimistic and strong. They always complained to me about their lives, and sometimes didn't even ask me how I was at any point in an hour long telephone conversation. Just talked about themselves. I was always there for them, never talked about myself unless asked, and then never complained. So I know I did not wear out their friendship; they just don't care about me enough to bother.

I hate to admit that I am starved for human companionship but it is true that I am. The thing is, I can't do anything about that. You can't just go out and suddenly make new friends. I guess I just have to get more used to it. But it's hard to get used to being so utterly depressed all the time.

I am sorry you get panic attacks. That must be dreadful. I am grateful that at least I don't get those. I do have social anxiety, but that is not nearly as bad as panic attacks. Is there anything that you can do to ease those? I have had them in my life, not much but enough to know what it feels like, and they really take it out of you. It is exhausting to have two or three panic attacks a day!
 

sunkacola

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I understand what you are saying, Brandi. ....."the more I push that down the more the depression creeps in". That is how it is for me as well, but I have no idea what if anything I can do about it. I understand what you mean also about so-called friends just leaving your life. And I simply do not have the energy, emotionally or physically, to keep pursuing people who do not respond to my overtures.

I had one very good friend who lives in another state. We had a good correspondence for years, but periodically he would simply stop writing to me for weeks or months. Every single time it was me who jump-started our correspondence again by writing, and every time he would apologize and tell me that I really do mean a lot to him. But the last time he stopped writing to me I just did nothing. I just don't have the energy to keep being the only one who keeps things going. I figured that if I really did mean a lot to him he would make an effort. He hasn't. So there's my answer. Another person I thought was a friend is the same.

I have tried to figure out why, but there's no answer. I was always supportive, a good listener, and caring. I always severely minimized my own problems and sometimes did not even mention my problems, preferring to sound optimistic and strong. They always complained to me about their lives, and sometimes didn't even ask me how I was at any point in an hour long telephone conversation. Just talked about themselves. I was always there for them, never talked about myself unless asked, and then never complained. So I know I did not wear out their friendship; they just don't care about me enough to bother.

I hate to admit that I am starved for human companionship but it is true that I am. The thing is, I can't do anything about that. You can't just go out and suddenly make new friends. I guess I just have to get more used to it. But it's hard to get used to being so utterly depressed all the time.

I am sorry you get panic attacks. That must be dreadful. I am grateful that at least I don't get those. I do have social anxiety, but that is not nearly as bad as panic attacks. Is there anything that you can do to ease those? I have had them in my life, not much but enough to know what it feels like, and they really take it out of you. It is exhausting to have two or three panic attacks a day!
 

LivingwRAAF

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Sunkacola~~ and others
Just recently I have been going through a very dark depression and I can feel myself finally climbing out of it but I know its still there and if I don't get help it will be back twice fold.
Last month after going to court to see a judge and then waiting 90 days for a mail response I lost my DIS case and will have to appeal. Then one of my doctors wrote in his notes that I asked for narcotics when I came in complaining of server pain in my feet, heals, and ankles; he prescribed to take 600mg of Gabapentine in the morning and then 300 x2 during the rest of the day, I sent an email to my Pain Management doctor asking her if its ok to do this and she wrote back saying that I asked Doctor for narcotics. And that is how I found out he said that because it goes against the agreement I have with that office. I tried to reach out to some of my friends and they said nothing.....that is what I got from friends that I have had for 10+ years. The more and more bad news that happens to me the more depressed I get and the more I push the depression down so far that I know one of these days I am going to snap.
I did get a call back from my physc doctor and they recommend not to give me something that will make my current depression and chronic pain med work better, they recommended me to a 3week PHP help in the hospital from 8am to 2pm. That doesn't really work for me as I don't sleep at night and sometimes fall asleep at 8am lol plus I am having foot surgery on the 7th of Feb. and will be walking with a boot. I still have to call them to see how they can work around my schedule and if I can do this after the boot is off. Well typing this out helps with a little bit of anxiety so if ya interested we could all share our story's and our daily lives and the things that hurt the most, annoy us, whats working for you, etc. Right now I am doing a sleep meditation to help calm my circus brain and just calm my every thought and all of the pain that I can be in, so far it has helped me. That is something you all may try.
I hope to come back here and discuss more
Jodi
 

brandib819

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I know what you mean about not having the energy to pursue people who don't respond to your efforts. It's so draining, and for me it makes the depression worse. It leaves me feeling neglected, ignored, unimportant, unloved, and unworthy. So I've stopped. The people who only talk about themselves or the same thing over and over without letting me ever change the subject or say anything about myself or if they never ask about me, or contact me I don't bother chasing after them or making an effort to contact them anymore. It feels cold, but I can't keep destroying myself trying to save something that isn't there.
 

harpert

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Hello Sunkacola,

I used to be a pretty upbeat person. I was diagnosed in 2014 but I have had Fibro since 2011 or at the very least that is when it really started to rear it's ugly head. I have always worked full time and loved working as a medical assistant. In September of 2015 I had to leave my job. I could not handle the stress. I was in serious pain and cried the whole 45 minute drive home. I work 2 hours a day as a recess monitor at a local elementary school now. I have filed for disability and have been turned down and am waiting for a hearing date. Two months ago I had a doctors appointment and started crying. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. It sucks. Support is definitely important. This site is a really great support system, however having someone to lean on from time to time can be a life saver. Hang in there and converse with us anytime on this site. Prayers and gentle hugs.
 

harpert

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Hello Sunkacola,

I used to be a pretty upbeat person. I was diagnosed in 2014 but I have had Fibro since 2011 or at the very least that is when it really started to rear it's ugly head. I have always worked full time and loved working as a medical assistant. In September of 2015 I had to leave my job. I could not handle the stress. I was in serious pain and cried the whole 45 minute drive home. I work 2 hours a day as a recess monitor at a local elementary school now. I have filed for disability and have been turned down and am waiting for a hearing date. Two months ago I had a doctors appointment and started crying. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. It sucks. Support is definitely important. This site is a really great support system, however having someone to lean on from time to time can be a life saver. Hang in there and converse with us anytime on this site. Prayers and gentle hugs.
 

Tash

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Depression and auto-immune diseases run high in my family.
I have fought dirt-hole depression bouts most of my life. I have
three grown, married kids and 9 grandkids, a supportive hubby.
Many times, I need a self push to get ON with daily life. What few friends
I have left, I have to BEG them to come over to visit. For awhile, I wanted to get
a volleyball and draw a face on it for someone to talk to...besides a stubborn
shih-tzu dog. LOL

It can be a lonely for those of us with chronic conditions. I have
Limited Scleroderma and Fibro, Sjogrens Raynauds, Hastimotos thyriod
and OCD. So... Fibro, depression and OCD can be a terrible party together ;o(
Don't build a home "in the desert of your depression hole" cause you will have
better days. Each day ...I make a purpose to fulfill certain tasks or a movie out,
morning w/daughter and grandboys. One day, I hang up clothes for 2 hrs for
a USED Store......anything for that human contact I was missing.

I'm on a certain depression pill; depression comes with all my conditions
and through my Mother.

Hugs & Smiles,
 

Tash

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Depression and auto-immune diseases run high in my family.
I have fought dirt-hole depression bouts most of my life. I have
three grown, married kids and 9 grandkids, a supportive hubby.
Many times, I need a self push to get ON with daily life. What few friends
I have left, I have to BEG them to come over to visit. For awhile, I wanted to get
a volleyball and draw a face on it for someone to talk to...besides a stubborn
shih-tzu dog. LOL

It can be a lonely for those of us with chronic conditions. I have
Limited Scleroderma and Fibro, Sjogrens Raynauds, Hastimotos thyriod
and OCD. So... Fibro, depression and OCD can be a terrible party together ;o(
Don't build a home "in the desert of your depression hole" cause you will have
better days. Each day ...I make a purpose to fulfill certain tasks or a movie out,
morning w/daughter and grandboys. One day, I hang up clothes for 2 hrs for
a USED Store......anything for that human contact I was missing.

I'm on a certain depression pill; depression comes with all my conditions
and through my Mother.

Hugs & Smiles,
 

sunkacola

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hello all,
for some reason everything we post here posts twice. This forum has more problems than any other I have even been on!

Tash, I am glad you have family. that must help a great deal. I don't even know what that feels like, but I think it must be nice.

I try not to be envious of people who have family, and usually I succeed. But what bothers me is when some people just assume that of course you must have family, because "everyone has family", which is so not true. When people act like that then it makes those of us who don't feel even more isolated and like an outsider, and worthless.

Harpert, I understand your situation. Me, I never tell a doctor that I am depressed; I have learned that that is a dangerous thing to do. I never let them see me cry or get emotional at all. I wish you the best with what you have to deal with.

Jodi, I really feel for you. I know what it is like to have doctors lie to and about you. This has happened to me as well. These days I know not ever to trust a doctor. I always go in there acting as though I am OK....in a lot of physical pain but dealing with it the best I can, thank you......and I act brave and balanced and respectful and I answer their questions as minimally as I can and I never give out any information they have not asked for.

This is the best defense, but it won't help you against the ones who simply lie about you because they are evil people. There is no recourse for that, because no one will never believe your word against theirs. My strategy is to do my best to make them like me.....I joke with them and put on a good front, and hope that will make them less likely to lie about me or cause me trouble. I also document, when I get home, everything that the doctor and I said on that visit. Only takes a few minutes, and could be useful if I have to defend myself.

I am still working; I am self employed and can set my own days, and right now I am working only 3 days a week at most because my work is very demanding both physically and mentally and I can't handle more than three days in a week. Having lived on a very restricted budget my whole life I am very used to it and don't find that a problem. The only time I ever talk to another person is when I am working. I know my clients would never guess that I am deeply depressed and in constant pain, both physically and mentally.
I am a broken person. But no one seeing the front I have on the outside would ever guess that.

As for it getting better, I sincerely doubt that, at this point. I always used to be an optimist and even when I would get very depressed I would hang in there, hoping that it would get better. In my life, it always did for a while, but the truth is that if you added it all up more days of my life, by far, have been in a depression than not. This one I am in now has lasted for three and a half years so far. At this point, being as isolated as I am, something pretty drastic would have to happen for it to get better. I would like just to quit, but I cannot leave my companion animals with no one to look after them, so I stay. Maybe in another few years if they are all gone then I can leave this life. I wouldn't want to live without them in any case.
 

Heavenjumper

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I have battled depression a few times in my life, but I've always gotten through it before. With my fibro diagnosis last year and symptoms forcing me to have to quit work a month after the diagnosis, depression had come back and I try to just ignore it because being hopeful that things will get better just seems pointless. The only people I talk to really is my dad and my adoptive parents(complicated explanation), who all live in other states, my son twice a week, and my daughter and fiancé that live with me. I've even distanced myself from my best friend because she had become toxic to be around and only cares about herself. Luckily, my adoptive mom also has fibro. I am grateful to have her to talk to, but she's 10 hours away so I never get to see her anymore. My daughter is 13 and doesn't comprehend what I'm dealing with (and shouldn't have to). My fiancé is usually great and very supportive, but every now and then he makes comments or gets aggravated and I know it takes a toll on him too so I try not to burden him even more by unloading my feelings of worthlessness on him. I know I'm depressed, but I don't know how to fight it anymore. I don't sleep worth a lick when I do sleep. My brain gets so foggy that I'll be talking and trail off, then forget what I was even talking about when my fiancé asks me to finish my sentence. It's even taken me about 15 minutes to type this because my mind just wanders away mid type. I should be happier than ever, planning a wedding and knowing I have someone that cares about me, but I still feel helpless, hopeless, and worthless.
 

sunkacola

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Heaven Jumper, I feel for you so much. This fog you talk about sounds so debilitating. And I know what you mean about having fought depression in the past and not knowing how to fight it now.

I also envy you very much because you are not alone. You have someone who loves you. But your post made me realize that, even if you have supportive and loving people around you, you can still feel worthless. I guess it is the same thing as me in some way....I am lucky to have what I have in the world, which is my own home and my beautiful animals. But even though I am consciously grateful every single day for my good fortune in having these things....not being on the streets, or in jail, or in some horrible rental that I could get kicked out of and so on.....I am still, like you, severely depressed.

In the past 13 months, I have not had one single personal conversation with another person. Not once.

The only time I talk to people is when I am working and of course there, I am a professional - I do not have personal conversations. It has been over a year since I have had the opportunity to talk with another person about how I feel or what I am thinking about, or what they are thinking about, or ask someone what good book they have read lately, or what is new in their life, or ask someone to go do something with me or come over for coffee. I have literally no one. In my life I have always been a bit of a loner, but I have always before had a good friend....I have never before been this alone, and even for me, a person who is pretty self-sufficient, it is just too much. If I have car trouble or need help with someone I have NO one to call. If I can't get it done on my own, it doesn't get done. At the doctor's they ask me "Person to call in an emergency?" and I have to say, "There is no one", which makes me feel pretty worthless.

I have wondered if I should try medication for depression but am very scared to do so, for two reasons. One is to go on record with the doctors as being depressed is a bad idea, as they have used it against me in the past.....saying that if you are depressed, then all of your physical symptoms must be psychosomatic, and you should not be trusted with any pain medications at all. The second reason is that I have had terrible (life-threatening) reactions to medications in the past and don't want to risk more of the same. so I feel helpless to do anything about this crushing despair I feel.
 

Heavenjumper

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sunkacola, I also feel for you. Having absolutely no one to hold a conversation with for so long would probably drive me mad! I have been very fortunate in having my fiancé, if I didn't I would be in the same situation with no one else around to help or talk with me. I was always self-sufficient and very active before the last several months, so being at home all the time and not working even feels like total isolation. That was what started the depression setting in.
I understand completely what you're saying with the risk of telling doctors about the depression, it is a risky slope. I saw a new doctor Tuesday and she pushed questions of depression because I think she could see it when I spoke. My adoptive mom also has fought the battle of doctors writing her off as a head case, so I was weary when she started questioning me but I also made sure to tell her that this depression has resulted from not being able to work since the use of my left leg was impaired for seemingly no reason in September. She put me on Effexor for depression and anxiety, ran blood work, and mentioned that Effexor has shown to help with fibro some as it is a nerve pain blocker. I'm just hoping that she doesn't write me off as a head case and actually follows through with helping me. I'm cautious, but I do hold hope for it since she told me that after the labs come back, if she doesn't find anything else she'll start me on Lyrica and get me a referral for a rheumatologist. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, but I try not to hope too much only to be let down.
Life-threatening reactions would definitely be a good reason to be skeptical of adding new medication, but talking to a counselor might not be a bad idea. One of my fights with depression, I treated and got through it with only seeing a counselor twice a month for several months. With her, I could speak my mind freely, get helpful tips on how to combat the depression and its effects. It may not help you, but it might be worth a try. I hope you can find some way to fight the depression that seems to plague us all.
 

sunkacola

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Thanks, Heavenjumper. Please tell me, have you found the Effexor to be helpful to you in terms of elevating your depression?
The doctor I see for pain medication put me on Cymbalta at one point, but it made me very sick. I found out later that it is sometimes used for depression, so I was sorry that it made me ill and I could not take it.

I don't think that a counselor will be likely to help me, actually. The reason I say that is that for many years I was pretty much constantly in therapy of one kind or another and I probably saw 12 or more different professionals, from psychiatrists to counselors, to psychotherapists of all different kinds, from lengths of time varying from a few weeks to a few years each, and to be honest there was only one who ever helped me. It was years ago, in a different country. I was with her for 3 years and she helped me work through the childhood sexual abuse, which was good. Other than her, however, most of them did me more harm than good, by pushing me and pushing me and eventually making me feel like a complete loser because I did not live up to their expectations - ie: get all better. I think it hurt their egos that they were not able to "cure" me, so they all made it my fault that I was still depressed: like I did not "try hard enough". Of course, that is so ridiculous. Did they really think I would choose to be so depressed if I could change it? I would spend years of my life and thousands of dollars I could not afford to spend trying to get help if I did not want to get better?!

Anyway, I have no insurance at this point and counselors are expensive. The subsidized health plan I am on doesn't cover psychological counselling, and there's no way I could pay for it myself on my income. A couple of years ago before they changed it I did go to a counselor because I asked for one due to the extreme grief I was experiencing after the loss of my partner. She was fresh out of some community college, and had absolutely no idea what to do with me. So that is the level of help that I would get, even if I could get it these days. To tell the truth, I am actually trained as a psychotherapist myself and I had a private practice of my own many years ago. So I am not the average client.

I sometimes think about trying a medication, There are new ones I have not tried, but it scares me to death just to think about doing so. Plus, it's just such a slippery slope to tell any medical professional you are depressed. It can have very far-reaching negative results. I was once injured in a car wreck - not my fault - and the opposing attorneys got hold of my medical records dating back 8 years and because I had been treated for depression for a few months 8 years prior, they made a case that I was mentally ill and exaggerating or making up my injury. I still suffer pain from that injury; it is now 10 years since the wreck, but I did not get any compensation for that in the lawsuit, because the lawyer convinced the jury I was exaggerating.

The way that the medical establishment and the pharmaceutical corporations and the insurance companies all work these days sickens me. Nothing is designed to help the individual who needs it, only to make more money.

I wish that I at least had a friend. I had a partner whom I loved more than life itself and a best, best friend who was fantastic, and I felt so lucky. Over the course of 2 years I lost them both. I am too alone.
 
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