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Feeling Defeated

New member
Joined
Apr 5, 2016
Messages
5
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
05/2000
Country
US
State
Ohio
this is my first original post to this forum and it's going to be a long one probably. i hope that everyone who reads this will be open-minded. i chose an anonymous forum that wasn't on facebook to get into specific details of my life and my fight with chronic illness.
i am a survivor of sexual and emotional abuse that started when i was 7. from that point on i was sick very often. i got into a car wreck when i was 10 and that's when my back and knee problems started. i was taken to different doctors up until i was 14 and then refused to go to any more until i had gotten married and moved out of the house. this is because none of them could figure out what was wrong with me. i was too young to be that sick and in that much pain. i was a hypochondriac. i was making it up for attention. if those doctors had known what kind of child i was they would have never said that. i wanted to be invisible.
they sent me to physical therapy, i think to discourage me from "lying" any more and giving up on my "made up" illness. well, i did quit. but it was because i couldn't handle the pain from it. the therapy was far too aggressive. being on 16 pills a day at 14 years old and having a bleeding ulcer was no picnic either.
the stress level at home kept me in and out of depression. i had suicidal and homicidal thoughts. i came very close to ending it all a few times. but i eventually told myself to be strong and that killing yourself was selfish. that got me through for a long time. i know better now. i know how deep depression can get and how your brain fights you when you try to think rationally. suicide is not selfish. suicidal ideation is a part of mental illness and can be very difficult to fight.
i got married when i was 18 and just out of high school. i'd been constantly fighting the physical and mental pain the best i could. i dealt with my family the best i could, but i never really felt like i was a real part of it. i tried my best to gain the love of my "mother" and everyone else. i stayed in their lives because i was forced to raise my ex-stepdad's kids and felt like they were my own.
i disowned my "mother" for over 2 years because i fought with her about "him" being in the house still and she actually told me "well, i divorced him, didn't i?" i saw her eventually, and she looked weak and old. so i started the relationship up again. after she let them move back into the house and he kept trying to get my husband to "share" me and talked about marrying me and having babies with me, i put my foot down again. my "mother" actually said "maybe you should", which was the one memory that i forgot for a long time because it was so devastating. i insisted he move out of the state after that, or i was pressing charges. shortly afterwards, because of how i was still being treated, i walked away from the entire family. i do now occasionally talk to my "kids" and they didn't turn out half bad. i had expected the worst.
anyway, on to my illnesses, which i have no doubt were made much, much worse because of my messed up life. dealing with fibromyalgia, myofascial pain syndrome, hypothyroidism, ibs, gerd, hypertension, arthritis, restless leg syndrome, chronic constipation, intestinal bleeding, chemical hypersensitivity, severe allergies, degenerative disc disease in my lower back, bulging discs in my neck, reproductive problems which required surgery, a horrible phobia of driving, clinical depression, deeply suicidal thoughts, and more have beaten me down.
i started getting what i had hoped was help several months ago after a long while. i waited until i couldn’t handle the pain, weird sensations, feelings of being physically weighed down, and so on before trying to get help from the medical profession again (for most things). i waited far too long, but I haven’t had insurance steadily or enough money to pay for treatment, as we live paycheck to paycheck. i also haven't had many good experiences with doctors. i went to a few when i was in my twenty's, but only emergency room visits and an admission for orbital cellulitis over the last 15 years.
my worst fear was that i would still run into the same crap with doctors, be stressed out even more, and have to take more than a dozen pills a day again. what ended up happening was far worse than i ever imagined. here's where the open-mindedness comes in.....
i am "pansexual" or "omnisexual" as some people define it. my husband and i have had a few girlfriends. our hope was to find someone to spend the rest of our lives with; someone who would understand us and make us feel more complete. i thought we had found that person. everything was perfect, despite all of my pain and my illness. she had been so sick that she'd decided not to date any more. but she said yes to us.
sometime around june of last year, right after my husband got insurance again, i started going downhill very rapidly. all of my fingernails started curling under, seemingly overnight. i got new strange sensations in my body. the pain intensified. i felt weighted down and could barely make it up stairs. i couldn't stand it any more and went to the er.
after that i started seeing a family doctor who referred me to a pain clinic. i also went to a gynecologist and had surgery in august for cysts on my ovaries, endometriosis, and ablation, and i think i also got my tubes tied but i can't remember. i was put on cymbalta, lyrica, and tramadol. i was switched to vicodin for a while, but put back on tramadol. i was sent to a rheumatologist who was awful. i told her about the side effects the cymbalta was giving me. i had to explain why i thought it was cymbalta and not the other rx's. she told me to give it time and said i should double the dosage. then she forgot at my next visit that she had even suggested it. after that she said she didn't treat fibromyalgia and dropped me as a patient.
i continued going to my family doctor and the pain clinic. i started physical therapy (which i had to quit because we lost our insurance until recently.) things went from bad to worse and i had to get off of cymbalta within a week. a few weeks later i had to get off of lyrica within a week. and just recently, i had to get off of tramadol within 2 weeks' time. these drugs have ruined my life.
i started out just having physical side effects. then it went to memory loss and zoning out. then the paranoia set in. and the feelings of rage showed up. i began having hallucinations, both visual and auditory. i could hear my girlfriend and husband say things they didn't and not hear things they did say. i got very combative, first with my husband and then with my girlfriend. half the time i didn't remember it or i was fighting with them, while in my head a completely different conversation was going on. i couldn't understand why they were getting angry and telling me to quit arguing.
i felt like they were pushing away from me, while they were saying it was me doing the pushing. i felt like they didn't want to be with me and didn't love me any more. i tried so hard to do what they wanted, to act how they wanted me to; all the while my brain was turning against me. everything just got worse and worse, despite how hard i was fighting it. i do still feel that i was right some of the time and they were wrong. but that hardly matters now.
the last day of the last half pill of tramadol i lost it. i already had my bag packed to admit myself to the mental health facility that i had chosen to try to go to for out-patient care. my husband and girlfriend showed up after i sent an angry text to try and get me to go to the hospital. they're insisting that i've dumped them 3 times, and i only remember 2 of the fights and not dumping them. this last time i tried my best to explain to them that it wasn't the case. apparently, i was having a different argument in my head than what was actually going on and it caused a lot of hurt to them.
the next morning i was checked in to the mental health facility and stayed there for 5 days. unlike my husband and girlfriend, the doctors didn't think i was showing signs of schizophrenia. i was suffering from rx discontinuation syndrome, heightened pain, severe depression, and suicidal ideation. medications were switched, i refused to get put back on tramadol even though i knew the pain would still be almost unbearable. i came along much faster than anyone expected and was released on the 5th day, expecting to move forward in my life and repair my relationships. i tried so hard in there to be social, make friends, go to groups, take my doctors' advice, etc.
then the bomb was dropped when my husband and i got home. i knew something was wrong from his body language and him insisting i not talk about anything and just enjoy the ride home. they had both decided together to put their relationships with me on hold. he said she needed time and so did he. he also said he couldn't predict the future and even if i got better he didn't know if they'd get back with me. i was devastated. my whole world came crashing down. i've been married to him for 20 years and have dealt with his mental illness too many times to count. but now he can't stick by me because i finally cracked up, too? i feel completely betrayed by both of them. i would never do this to them; ever!
he has been staying at her house most of the time, only staying here on some nights when i have early doctor appointments the next day. he said we need to take baby steps. he's calling her place home now, too. he constantly talks about her and what they're doing, and i'm trying to be strong and not confrontational, but it's killing me. she won't even talk to me. i've put almost everything that reminds me of her away so i don't have to see it that much. but her picture on his phone keeps burning into my brain.
i was in animal rescue for several years because it was a kind of therapy for me. but my illness now prevents me from doing much of anything. the loves of my life are practically gone. my plans for the future seem completely ruined. and it's getting harder and harder to keep focused on school and my degree. i'm trying to stay strong and fix things for myself and others. but i am very, very tired. i constantly fight the feeling of being all alone. oh, and someone abducted my elderly dog on x-mas eve, and i'm still trying to get him back. through all of this, i've had to try my best to get the word out, do detective work, work with police, and haggle with the person who took him. if you've stuck with me and read this novel, i really appreciate it. i know it's a lot, but i really needed to vent. thank you.
 

Trellum

Legendary member
Joined
Jul 17, 2013
Messages
1,788
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
04/2011
Country
NL
State
NL
I'm glad you decided to come here and trust us with your story... it sure sounds like you have been through a lot. I just wanted to say hi and welcome you to the forum, I hope you enjoy being part of this community, and don't worry, you can share and vent as much as you want on here. We actually have a vent section, because keeping feelings inside is never good.
 

Eyesup

Senior member
Joined
Dec 11, 2015
Messages
376
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
12/2015
Country
US
State
Florida
Wow! No wonder your feeling defeated... I e got a life story that is filled with crap too, in some ways we all do. Fibromyalgia seems to pray on people that have been taken to the edge over and over. When the fight or flight mode kicks in and you can't do either it triggers something.? but your still here!! What a s*** life you've been delt and your still standing!!! I'm reading a whole bunch of wrongs that have fell on you...but what have you done right? Clearly you've done somethings right, your still hear, your still fighting and your still breathing. You are not a victim you are a fighter.
I have many prices of advice I'ld like to give but I'm not a psychiatrist. So let's stick to the present day. Your husband and y'alls girlfriend have left you in your time of need. Kinda cowardly... They have each other to lean on and your left standing alone. A double whammy you could say. It sounds like your husband is wavering but your girlfriend is now an ex ready to take your husband. That's a tricky situation fir anyone to stick their nose to deep in and exspecially in a fibro forum, but I wanted you to know I do get your hurt and I don't judge you.
You didn't say if your able to work, but paycheck to paycheck says a lot. You are probably limited to buying supplements so I would stick to the basic vitamen D and magnesium. You sound like you went straight to the heavy hitters when you got diagnosed, cymbalta and Lyrica are scary drugs to me. I tried Lyrica and in the third day I felt drunk then when that passed I was severely depressed. I went back to gabapentin, you did not mention gabapentin have you tried it yet? Takes a little time to build but it works best for me without the side effects. It's also farrrrr cheaper then the others.
Don't get me started on Dictors!!!!! I've been referred to psycyatrist so many times then sent back because I was only depressed no real sings if a hypochondriac. if I wanted attention I got attention and when I didn't you knew to leave me alone. Why would I want their attention??? Really...? I think they are the ones that need a shrink to get that "I'm God" syndrom out of their heads. Don't get me wrong, when you find a good one they are really good, but more "I made it through med school" so it would be easy.
Ok so you've had it rough and your stuck with a crappy illness that's got u down, s*** for doctors and husband and girlfriend are either exhausted and can't deal or they weren't in it for the long haul. Yes I agree, it sucks to be you...right now. But not tomorrow! This chapter will come to a close soon enough, start thinking what you want to write in the next chapter.
We all have had seasons, you are in the season to sow (I know that's hard to c right now) soon you will havest and your books will start balancing. When you can't take another step, sit still and quiet and LET God carry you.
How do I know this?? In the "Moan and complain" I have a post saying "I used to pray Gid would come get me". I have been at that dark moment trying to justify suicide. And today...I've had the best day I've had in six months, I posted a stupid thread that I played ball today! But this is huge because to months ago I really thought I would never enjoy that again.
Soooo much I want to say, but this post is to long and your eyes are probably tiered and your your poor brain. I leave you with these two thoughts...fibromyalgia affects the muscles, your brain is a muscle, protect it from stress and let it rest. Let go and let God.
I send you a big gentle hug and a prayer goes out for you tonight.
 
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diamond

Legendary member
Joined
Sep 18, 2015
Messages
1,548
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
01/2008
Country
UK
State
anywhere
Hi Welcome....my hands are too sore to type much but you have suffered so much and just wanted to acknowledge your post and offer support.

I believe it is our brains being stuck switched into flight or fight mode for very long periods causes fibro...you are another example of this as your life had been extremely stressful.

Its hard to comment on a type of relationship i don't understand but accept we are all different...but i do truly understand being dumped and abandoned by some one you love and would never betray as its happened to me more than once.

Stay here and join in. We are all here to support you.

I hope you find your dog or could get another when you feel ready as our pets can be an amazing source of comfort in our darkest hours...i lost my two beloved cats a year or so ago and miss their unconditional love and cuddly companionship so much.
 

remnant

Senior member
Joined
Mar 11, 2016
Messages
209
Reason
Diagnosis
00/0000
Country
KYA
State
Central
Hi Willow. Judging from what you have undergone, you are not a loser. You are a winner. If you had got to the point of feeling suicidal, I bet that when you are at the bottom of the pit, you can only climb up. Suicide should never be an option as it is the ultimate defeat. Try to see yourself in life as an actor in the stage of life and detach yourself from your emotions. Don't depend on the love of others. Be your own best friend. Take every day as the first day of the rest of your life. Concentrate on the little things of life that we take for granted. I hope you will bounce back to your radiant self.
 

remnant

Senior member
Joined
Mar 11, 2016
Messages
209
Reason
Diagnosis
00/0000
Country
KYA
State
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High Willow. Judging from what you have passed through, you are not a loser. In fact you are a winner any day. Suicide should not be an option because it is the ultimate defeat. You have come from so far and this is all the more reason that you can't afford to lose. Try not to depend on the love of people because at the end of the day, a man is for himself and God for us all. Try to be your own best friend. Live each day as if it was your last because one day it will. Try to appreciate the smaller things in life which you take for granted. Above all, live your life to the full and adjust to a fibro combat mode lifestyle.
 

Feeling Defeated

New member
Joined
Apr 5, 2016
Messages
5
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
05/2000
Country
US
State
Ohio
Thank you all so much. I'm trying my best to not let my emotions get the better of me. I'm thinking of possible outcomes of this and how I can make it on my own if I have to. I cannot really work, but I am in school. My hope with school is that after I graduate I can get a job that I can handle that pays enough for me to get much better healthcare, so that I no longer have to live in constant pain. I also want to help people and animals again because it really helps me emotionally. The losses I've recently had are almost unbearable. But I'm trying to focus on myself and my rescued kitties, who still need me. I'm on gabapentin, paxil, and lunesta now. They seem to be helping somewhat and I'm closely watching myself for side effects that may sneak up on me. I'm back to only having ibuprofen for the pain, which still isn't really cutting it. I just wish that I could afford more of the non-drug related therapies. I keep thinking about my husband saying negative things about me being weak, like he never has been. I've picked him up and dusted him off more times than I can count in the past 20 years. When he was having mental health issues I always helped get him through. And I never once called him weak. After everything I've been through in my life and everything I've found out about people who didn't make it after suffering through side effects and withdrawals from just one of the three meds that sent me off my rocker, in addition to having a chance to wean off the medication for much longer than me, I know that I am not weak. Quite the contrary! I am a survivor.
 

Feeling Defeated

New member
Joined
Apr 5, 2016
Messages
5
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
05/2000
Country
US
State
Ohio
Thank you all so much. I just wrote a huge reply to everyone, but it didn't post, and I can't type that much again right now. I will try again tomorrow.
ACTUALLY, ignore this post. I just notice that the long version did in fact post. I haven't figured out how to delete personal posts on here yet. Jeez! Sorry. Duh.
 
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oportosanto

Distinguished member
Joined
Mar 16, 2016
Messages
166
Reason
Relative
Diagnosis
05/2015
Country
US
State
FL
No problem, the main thing is that you are feeling better, nothing like getting support to clear our head and boost our moral.
 
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