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APreston

New member
Joined
Jan 15, 2014
Messages
6
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
07/2010
Country
CA
State
ON
Hi there,

I am just wondering if anyone else has had their health issues affect their marriage? I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer in 2008. Had 3 surgeries and several RAI treatments at high doses due to the aggressiveness of my cancer. I have had way too many CT scans in the past 5 years. I have now developed other health issues since my thyroid was removed; fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis, Chronic Fatigue, IBS, and depression. I am unable to work at all, still cant get through the day without sleeping in the afternoons, suffer from widespread chronic pain and I am just at a loss as to what to do about it. I am trying everything I can think of...change of diet, seeing a naturopath, chiropractor, massage therapist, physio, etc...but this is all very expensive and being on disability I cant go as often as I should. I cant afford to join a gym or YMCA so I generally only walk every day and stretch as exercise. I have gained weight I cant lose no matter what I do. I am trying to deal with all of this. But this has all affected my marriage. My husband now feels that we never do anything or go anywhere. He does go out quite a bit without me, and we do get together with friends and family, but he wants to go out more frequently and I cant give him more. He feels like because I am home all day, I should be able to just go out every night and take care of everything around the house...I WISH I COULD! We used to go dancing every week, we went out with friends often, just enjoyed life. I feel inadequate as a wife and person overall...cant work to financially contribute, cant do all the things I used to, and now I cant seem to do enough to make my husband happy. I get his side...he is bored and wants to go out. He does these things quite a bit...every long weekend he leaves me at home alone and goes cottaging with our friends. I cant go every time as I get sore sleeping in an uncomfortable bed and cant do the things everyone else does while we are there...I have never said not to go, but I wish that sometimes he would at least want to stay home with me on some of the holidays. I just don't know what to do about it. Maybe I am selfish and should not care that I am home all the time by myself. If I could go out and enjoy myself I would do it more often. I go to make him happy but its always a late night (getting home at 1:00 am and being the one to drive us home so he can drink and have fun). I told him that maybe if we did things that I enjoyed and didn't have to be out so late I would maybe go out more, but just feel so tired after being out so long. We have started counselling, but doesn't seem to be doing much...he just makes light of our situation and doesn't say much other than he is tired of sitting at home all the time. I don't know if I am asking too much or if he just doesn't understand what I am going through. Can anyone here relate to what I am going through and any idea how to work through these things?
 
So sorry to hear you are going tru such a difficult time health-wise and in your marriage. I'd like to give you my input on this, sorry if I sound blunt... but after reading your message is quite clear who the selfish person is. I'm talking about your husband, of course! I think he doesn't quite understand the situation you are in completely. I can't believe he has left you alone at home while he is out with your friends in a cottage.

Have you tried seeing a therapist? Your husband obviously has issues trying to understand the situation you are in, he behaves in such a selfish and apathic. Don't take me wrong, but his behaviour would make anyone think he only thinks about himself. He's the provider, I get it! He likes to go out often... I get that too! But he shouldn't be bothering you or press you to go out. He should also accept doing things you actually doing every once in a while!
 
Maybe he should offer a massage as a reward of you putting up with going out! I agree with trellum, he is being pretty insensitive and selfish.
One thing I have learned over the past 17 years, from watching my parents (my mother has had RSD/CRPS for 17years and other pain problems) is that a man/spouse /significant other will never really get "it" until they feel half of the pain you are in. My mother has suffered for years with pain and my dad was just awful about it. I felt like my mom was rasing my brother and I as a single mom, that's how little he was around.... He was always working (mind you, my mother was and remains to be the bread winner in our family) or at the fire hall or a call (volunteer fireman....) and couldn't be bothered to help aaround the house or play with us kids or just be with my mom..... He resents her for the lack of sex life due to her pain..... It sickens me sometimes due to other issues I will not mention.... He this past year found out he had a herniated disc and bone spurs in his neck and had surgery (mind you mom's had 2 neck surgeries in the past 3 years) and once he found out these problems existed on an mri, he whined like a little baby about how much pain he was in... Used his pain as an excuse to get out of house hold responsibilities..... And I have had pain problems for 3 and a half years now... He told my mom
"I finally understand how you and Katie feel now..... "

Funny thing is, his sudden realization of how much pain my mom and I suffer from, was bullsh*t...... He will tell others his surgery helped so much!..... But tells us how much pain he's in (mind you he's fixed.... Told the Dr how thankful he was to have had the surgery done....) when he doesn't want to do chores or work.... AND to top it off..... He gets mad when we have flare ups and rolls his eyes when we wince in pain... If she or I have a severe pain day and call off work, he has to too because he's jealous were not working that day. It is the most ridiculous show I've ever seen!

Don't get me wrong, I love my dad very very much, but he's a real jerk sometimes!

I tell you all this because you need to know you are not alone and are not the selfish one! He should want to do activities that you can tolerate.... He should want to vegge out with you on the couch and watch a movie on a painful day. There is nothing wrong with him going out alone/with out you, in moderation though and only when he knows it won't make you feel extremely left out, useless, etc.

See if he might reason with you one night, a test if you will, bargain with him, you'll D'd and go out if he will relax you once back at home with a massage..... If he takes the bate, take him up on it! Who knows, maybe it will get you both in the mood after and he will be more motivated for possible incentives lol.... ;)
Brain storm on some ideas to use as possible bargaining tools!
Ie: - you'll go out if he gives a massage.
- you'll do this activity if he draws you a romantic relaxing hot bath
- you'll go to the cottage for 1 night with him if he spends the next night snuggling with you while you watch a movie of his choosing (porn doesn't count! Hahaha jk)
- make a list of chores you've accomplished and ask him for help on the more difficult ones! (research the spoon theory!)

Get creative with it!
Who knows own, maybe 'this old dog can learn some new tricks'!......

But know and remember that it is give and take and if he is not a willing participant than he is the selfish one.
 
Thanks for your comments. I don't take offense to them at all! It makes me feel a little better knowing I am not going crazy and I am not over-reacting, because I hear that constantly! We did start counselling so hopefully this will shed some light on things for both of us and give me some ideas on knowing how to assess my limits, because sometimes, I over do it and pay the price later because I really try to do all the things my husband enjoys, but just last week for example, I asked him to go to a movie, and he said he didnt feel like it, and went to a poker game without me. Now, I could have gone, but that is not exactly my ideal night of fun! We did go to our friends the night before and families the night after that, and let me tell you that for me, it was the hardest weekend ever! I woke up Monday feeling like I have the flu :( even though I stayed in the evening he went to play poker, I was not exactly "resting" being so hurt that he didnt want to see a movie with me...how do you complain I never want to do anything and then when I DO, say NO! Anyway, I will stop venting as I could go on and on and that makes me feel even worse...I am sure you get that emotions can really affect you physically! I will take some of your ideas and def look up the spoon theory. Thanks again!
 
I think most marriages come under tremendous strain when a partner has a chronic illness, unfortunately for us there is nothing really to see, no broken arm, sores, cuts, etc that is the difficulty. Running. Ourself into the ground by gong out to please him will make your illness worse. Not sure what to suggest, counselling sounds like a good idea. Perhaps at the moment concentrate on your needs and explain you have to find a way to make things better by resting, pacing etc when you feel better try just the two of you go out, have fun, relax, talk you may have to both compromise to make a different kind of relationship, future.

Hope this helps xx
 
Thanks for your comments. I don't take offense to them at all! It makes me feel a little better knowing I am not going crazy and I am not over-reacting, because I hear that constantly! We did start counselling so hopefully this will shed some light on things for both of us and give me some ideas on knowing how to assess my limits, because sometimes, I over do it and pay the price later because I really try to do all the things my husband enjoys, but just last week for example, I asked him to go to a movie, and he said he didnt feel like it, and went to a poker game without me. Now, I could have gone, but that is not exactly my ideal night of fun! We did go to our friends the night before and families the night after that, and let me tell you that for me, it was the hardest weekend ever! I woke up Monday feeling like I have the flu :( even though I stayed in the evening he went to play poker, I was not exactly "resting" being so hurt that he didnt want to see a movie with me...how do you complain I never want to do anything and then when I DO, say NO! Anyway, I will stop venting as I could go on and on and that makes me feel even worse...I am sure you get that emotions can really affect you physically! I will take some of your ideas and def look up the spoon theory. Thanks again!

Best of luck with that! I know is hard not to feel frustrated with a partner that didn't seems to understand what you are going thru, but you must hang in there. In the end you might have to learn to live with it and accept it. Just like my mom did with my dad (he never goes out with her and doesn't like to spend quality time with her or the family - he only likes going out to the paces he likes and that's it).

Do you have a friend who can go out to watch a movie with you? Maybe if you started doing some things without him he'd start understanding what you feel when he goes out and leaves you all alone at home. There is a chance he might, you could gve it a try.

Best of luck with the counseling!
 
So, I found the spoon theory and shared with him after reading...well, tried to...he has not read it yet, he said he would later as he was busy. I am getting a gut feeling though that most people I know just don't want anything to be wrong with me as it is too much and once they accept that reality, then what? I think that if my husband was to truly get what limitations I had and how hard life has been for me, he would then be faced with the fact that he could no longer say he didn't get it, and we all know, ignorance is bliss. Anyway, I guess I will just keep going on. I am also dealing with cancer as well, and I get the same reaction when I get news...cancer is still detectable but it has not spread...which is good, right...but I SO WISH it was undetectable! And friends and family get mad at me when I get down about having cancer...I know, I know, I should be grateful it hasn't started spreading again, and really I am...I just wish I was cancer free cause the fact that the cancer is still there is haunting as it was very aggressive and I worry A LOT that it will start spreading again. Sorry for switching the topic to the cancer stuff, but I do think that it makes the fibro even worse because of all the emotional stress I am under as well as the physical part of it.
 
Bless your heart! You are going through so much in your life, and your family, friends, and especially husband ought to be compassionate and supportive. I hope the counseling helps, but let me ditto what someone else said that your husband is the one in the wrong here. He should not be adding to your stress. He needs to come to an understanding about what you're dealing with everyday.

I truly hope he comes around and will be there for you. I hope your counselor is trying to help him realize what all you're struggling with. Heck! Just getting through the day is a struggle with fibro, not to mention the cancer added to it.

You truly have my support and compassion, Hon. I will pray for you!

Hugs,
Elizabeth
 
Hang in there. It's tough on you I'm sure. So many different dynamics come into play when illness enters the picture. You feel the way you Feel and until someone wears your shoes they should not be so quick to judge. That said it maybe a case of they are scared for you and don't know how to express that fear.
 
I was just diagnosed with fibo this month, I have some good days and some bad. But my husband is very understanding thank God, I don't think I would of been able to make it through this without him. He doesn't really understand, but he doesn't have to, when I need a massage he does it, when I need to stay home he stays home too and we do movie night. I am VERY grateful for him, he still makes sure my nails are done, my eyelashes are done and I get everything I need. THIS is a real husband. Im so sorry hun, you're husband is horrible. You're NOT selfish marriage is supposed to be with sickness and in health. Please dont fret over him worry about yourself. Pilates, yoga, warm weas, warm baths, massages, a different sleeping area! Dont forget to pray. Lots of vitamin D and magnesium
 
Thanks for the support and the suggestions. It makes me feel a little better knowing you all dont think I am a selfish wife. I will give credit where credit is due though...I have been going through this medical stuff for 5 years. At the beginning, my hubby was wonderful. Cooked most meals, cleaned the house, washed my hair and back, helped me dress, went to every appt I had, etc...and then about a year ago, he reconnected with his brother he had not talked to in 7 years, and was introduced to a bunch of new people, and just started to take off a lot to hang out with friends. Now, for a couple of years, he has been going to our friends cottage once a few times in the summer without me, but I didnt ask him not to go as I knew how much he needed a break. I felt he deserved it. But then it became something else...it happened more often, and it was his attitude about it. For example, we were at our friends for dinner last weekend (same friends with the cottage) and they had mentioned they were going up to the cottage in Feb during the weekend of Valentines an family day...he told them he would love to go! Looked at me and said in front of them..."it will be fun, we should go...well I am going anyway, so come or dont come, Im going" and put it in his phone calendar! Now, I was really hurt for a few reasons...first, it was not even a discussion...I was told he was going with or without me...and its valentines day, and he showed no respect for my feelings! I had a good cry yesterday, telling him that I feel him slipping away and there is nothing I can do about it. Now, when I cry or get upset he doesnt really do or say anything...he says it bothers him, but I cry so much he is just used to it so he doesnt think to give me a hug or hold my hand...he just looks at me (or his computer) and says nothing. Now, I know its hard on him. He wants to go out, he needs a break, he is burnt out...I GET IT! But, I have also asked him to get a cleaning person to do the heavy stuff so he doesn't have to, but he wont. He just does stuff and then complains that he had to do it...I will have the intent to go and start dinner at 5:00pm, he will just go to the kitchen (sometimes I am not even aware as I may be in the shower, or another room) and he starts everything and then will complain that he had to work and come home to make dinner! I get upset cause I tell him he could have just waited until I went to do it, but it just doesnt stop. I know he does way too much. He should not have to do all he does. I feel bad he has to. But I feel like he attacks me, just to make me feel worse about myself, ever since he met these new friends. I feel so left out and alone. I just want the loving husband I used to have that seemed content to be with me...now he is just bored and sick and tired of what our life has become. Its sad :(
 
Hey hun- I too have had major issues with my marriage since I've had fibro. God it's depressing. I hear you completely! He doesn't get that everyday stuff for us is sometimes impossible. We aren't lazy or free loading. We are sick! I'm struggling with the same issues you are (not the cancer so please don't think I even can begin to understand your pain) but as far as the "wifely" duties. I get it! We should talk.

Corrine




I am just wondering if anyone else has had their health issues affect their marriage? I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer in 2008. Had 3 surgeries and several RAI treatments at high doses due to the aggressiveness of my cancer. I have had way too many CT scans in the past 5 years. I have now developed other health issues since my thyroid was removed; fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis, Chronic Fatigue, IBS, and depression. I am unable to work at all, still cant get through the day without sleeping in the afternoons, suffer from widespread chronic pain and I am just at a loss as to what to do about it. I am trying everything I can think of...change of diet, seeing a naturopath, chiropractor, massage therapist, physio, etc...but this is all very expensive and being on disability I cant go as often as I should. I cant afford to join a gym or YMCA so I generally only walk every day and stretch as exercise. I have gained weight I cant lose no matter what I do. I am trying to deal with all of this. But this has all affected my marriage. My husband now feels that we never do anything or go anywhere. He does go out quite a bit without me, and we do get together with friends and family, but he wants to go out more frequently and I cant give him more. He feels like because I am home all day, I should be able to just go out every night and take care of everything around the house...I WISH I COULD! We used to go dancing every week, we went out with friends often, just enjoyed life. I feel inadequate as a wife and person overall...cant work to financially contribute, cant do all the things I used to, and now I cant seem to do enough to make my husband happy. I get his side...he is bored and wants to go out. He does these things quite a bit...every long weekend he leaves me at home alone and goes cottaging with our friends. I cant go every time as I get sore sleeping in an uncomfortable bed and cant do the things everyone else does while we are there...I have never said not to go, but I wish that sometimes he would at least want to stay home with me on some of the holidays. I just don't know what to do about it. Maybe I am selfish and should not care that I am home all the time by myself. If I could go out and enjoy myself I would do it more often. I go to make him happy but its always a late night (getting home at 1:00 am and being the one to drive us home so he can drink and have fun). I told him that maybe if we did things that I enjoyed and didn't have to be out so late I would maybe go out more, but just feel so tired after being out so long. We have started counselling, but doesn't seem to be doing much...he just makes light of our situation and doesn't say much other than he is tired of sitting at home all the time. I don't know if I am asking too much or if he just doesn't understand what I am going through. Can anyone here relate to what I am going through and any idea how to work through these things?[/quote]
 
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