****sweet mother of rambling posts this is what happens everytime I try to write about this. I really struggle with where to start or when to stop, and the more I try to the more overwhelmed I get*****
Thank you for your response and welcome to the forum.
I didn't realize until after reading your post that I didn't actually say anything about the nature of my current state or how I got here.
I tick off every box on the checklist with a few others. I have an intolerance to cold(guaranteed pain), and a non-responsive/hostile reaction to NSAIDs/muscle relaxants(ibuprophen is useless, naproxins are nasty and clonozapam is scary death), I haven't touched opoids and am quite frankly afraid to touch them given the way I build a tolerance to pain killers, its fast and it stays. I need to know there is something out there more or less guaranteed to work should I feel a dire need.
*****it was here that I decided I would mention my pot use and felt it needed just a tiny little bit of explaining............. and let the second round of rambling begin!*****
Insomnia is what led to figuring alot of this out. I long thought much of my anxieties were a result of insomnia.
Try to go to sleep - get anxious or nervous ticks
Wake up to alert state - get irritated -get despondent
Eventually pass out 3 hours before you need to get up
Wake up 1 hour before you need to (should you stay up?)
Wake up with 5-10 minutes to get out the door
Panic and curse your insomnia: it's what's making you anxious.
I was told it was always my own doing, I had to be not dealing with something or it wouldn't be happening.
In my twenties I really discovered alcohol. In my alcoholic days I noticed if I drank myself stupid I could pass out at the worst of times. Problem was it also made me feel like I'd been tossed in a bag and beaten with clubs. I'd tried weed a couple of times but always while drinking, never alone. I was desperate for social engagement so I didn't really jive with something that I felt interfered with that. College changed that with a change of environment. I found a level of acceptance and engagement that I was actually comfortable in my times alone. Simply put I smoked more and got to understand the interactions better.
It wasn't until my last 2 years of college that I got the idea to use marijuana to deal with insomnia. I had friends that were pushing me to smoke up during the day. I'd complain how it really makes me want to just pass out, and when I do it is a looong nap. I was always super tense and aggitated and it got me super relaxed and content. After a week of following a disciplined regiment of taking specific amounts at the same times I could get consistant quality sleep. I noticed I felt more energetic, less anxious and all around better when I got up
Over the years as the pain got chronic I noticed it also helped with that. When the nausea began to get chronic it also helped with that. It also flipped from it making me anxious to subduing my anxiety.
****my first attempt at responding is below. I felt it was too long-winded and was going on about how and why and still skipping what*****
Sorry for not getting back to your message sooner,
I've been going through the motions, getting re-registered with heath care
applying for a family doctor for the first time in 20 years, filing for medical benefits,
student loan relief...
I was really in an overwhelmed state when I signed up here. To be honest I only did so because I hit my view limit AFTER I noticed everyone was sharing city location and there were people in my area.
Long story short, my Social Anxiety finally lost out to a mix panic driven need and pain induced mania. When I felt my cognative functions going haywire I began using the most powerful triggers I could think of to essentially **** with myself in a way that forced me down a path where regardless of what I ended up deciding to do, I would be made to be evaluated at the very least.
When I say I messed with my own head, I mean I did some complex shit where I first "Boxed my Brain" I made an extreme declaration. That mandated an extreme response. Made it easier to set up strict boundaries about what was 'allowed to exist' as far as what considerations or concerns were going to be processed. Then I did the 'tell a family I did something before I did it to turn my anxiety towards things I could do. Finally I set up a strict discipline/reward regiment where I split my day in half and did at least one TANGIBLE thing I needed to regarding seeking treatment. But regardless if I was successful or not I took the other half of the day to clear my head with whatever stupid thing I want to entertain myself with.
I convinced myself to join here by feeding myself a nasty guilt complex for selfishly using sufferers knowledge and their personal experiences that were specifically shared to to help each other escape the isolation and fear. Taking, knowing full well how traumatic it can be to be public and honest, but without having the respect and appreciation to say: I am also here, and THANK YOU