I'm so sorry Loulou68. It's very scary and wearing to be alone and dealing with this illness. With the help of a counselor, my journey has taken me from fighting this disease (that's what I call it), and feeling depressed and worn out, just sick of the pain and fatigue and constant frustration to mourning the loss of who I was. I truly mourned who I used to be, which was a very active in sports person. A person who worked out, played with my children, kept up the house, active participation in marriage, to just a shell of a person. I worked full-time until last October, when at 49, I had a heart attack. Stress related in my opinion. That was the end and the beginning for me. I think my body said "enough!" While there was no damage to my heart, my body could no longer handle the pain and fatigue. I was in a constant colitis flare along with fibro, fatigue and migraines. I could no longer work full-time in December and no longer work at all in July. Twenty-nine years in government and I was basically done.
Through the counseling, I have come to accept this illness. Nothing much has changed physically, but I feel much less burdened. I don't know how we're going to financially make it, but we'll work through it. My biggest issue now is that my 25 year old son won't have anything to do with me. We were so close. In March, he said some horrible things to me, then again in September he expanded on that to include what a piece of sh*t I am. I'm lazy, crazy and a piece of sh*t for not working. I'm a piece of sh*t for applying for disability. In his eyes, I'm not disabled, just lazy. This has been crushing and stressful and increased my anxiety ten-fold. Even with all of that, which I know we'll work through some day because we just have to, I'm doing okay.
I would suggest you search for a compassionate counselor who understands your issues and begin your journey of acceptance. I honestly didn't believe I could accept this pain and the life I'm living, but I do. I am fortunate to have a good support system with my husband and parents, but I've lost some very important people along the way. I just decided that I had to take care of me. I now love me and my life. I haven't completed my journey, but I've come a long way. Have you tried any medications? Massage therapy? Acupuncture? Do you have ANYONE who can support you? If not, start working on finding someone. How about support groups in your area?
I hope my story has helped and wish you the strength to begin your journey. Gentle hugs from me to you....