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New member
Aug 7, 2016
Hi all.

I'm going to be honest from the get-go: I generally don't like this kind of thing. I'm not ashamed and I'm not a super private person (well to some extent, mostly because I find explaining fibro only illicits pity). But I'm at a loss and I want to get this off of my chest.

I'm 32, male and I've been suffering symptoms for almost 17 years. Now, I know they say the symptoms technically never worsen, but I guess they're not accounting for wear and tear, age and just having dealt with it for so long. I'm married, no kids. I've been working on and off and living in Ottawa for 5 years. I've always tried to let the fibro not keep me from working, and I've never taken time off for it as of yet. Employment just hasn't been stable.

I was finally diagnosed at the beginning of last year by an internist I was referred to. I had seen multiple doctors and no one could put their finger on it. I got diagnosis of growning pains all the way to degenerative arthritis. My mom has suffered with this from about the same age I showed symptons as well.

So background done here's the present:

I had been seeing Dr. Romonowska - one of the nicest and most helpful people I've ever met. She has done everything she can do to help me and sent me to anyone and everyone she thought could help.

As far as meds go I've run the gamut: I did Amitryptaline for about a year, it worked for a while and then slowly worsened things; mood swings were out of hand and depression just keep increasing. So she tried to augment with lyrica, no dice on that helping. So I got off both. I've been taking Cymbalta for the last 4 months, but it never helped, so I am now off of that.

Recently my Dr moved to the US to be with family, but I had been seeing a rheumatologist as well. She had prescribed the Cymbalta as well, and a course of cyclobenzaprene and an anti inflammatory. Neither of those worked. Except sometimes in conjuction with the tramacet I take for pain. And now I've lost the Rheum because she thinks I need a chronic pain specialist but couldn't refer me to one for some reason. So I'm left to try and find answers on my own. Not why I'm here though, I just needed to say what I have to say to people who get it and aren't my mom who plies me with platitudes. I love my wife, but her intellectual understanding just isn't enough some times.

Now, we all know, STRESS is the biggie. I have been under a lot of it. Mostly due to how bad my health is. I can't sleep, I'm in pain 25/8, chronic fatigue, the whole 9.

A couple of months ago I was rocking 10s every day. I couldn't function. I was taking so many tramacet that I've gotten my stomach to the point that the wrong amount of spicy food will rip a hole through the lining. I was so sick that month I lost 40lbs from the inability to eat, keep food down (both due to pain and the pills) and when I did try and eat I was vomiting persistently.

Now, for the TL;DR crowd - the reason for my post is I'm afraid I'm headed back down that path again.

My pain and the amount of meds I have to down to even cut an 8 to a 7 is drastic. I hate it. I don't want to be taking anything. And I'm doing everything I can. I'm working on dietary stuff, I've started taking trazadone to put me to sleep early (which only works sometimes, and even then I barely sleep more than 4 hours a night), I'm trying yoga, though I've only done it once because I never feel up to it, and I'm doing the CBT.

I don't want to get really sick again, and I'm scared. It scared and worried my wife to see me emaciated. I feel so sick now, and all of the time. I've had it. Tonight I've taken 9 tramacet, the pain is still everywhere including places I generally don't feel it, 3 trazadone but the inomnia persists and I feel like I want to curl up in a ball and vomit because I'm so nauseated. I'm sorry to those of you who chose to actually sit and read through this. I'm sorry and grateful. Being able to put this down is at least pushing the sadness I feel to the wayside.

I don't want to give up, because I know I'm loved. People who have heard me wanting to give up in the bad times have told me as much. My strength of will is unwavering, but physically and emotionally I have very little left.

Thanks for reading.
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