Help with Depression and Fibromyalgia

FedUpWithIt

New member
Joined
Jun 18, 2020
Messages
6
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
02/2005
Country
US
State
FL
Please just make it stop.

Young adult, no life, since I was 8.

I just can't.
 

FibroKate

Member
Joined
Jun 2, 2020
Messages
22
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
05/2019
Country
GR
Hey, Fedupwithit!
I can feel your frustration just by your statement but would you like to share even sad or hard moments?Personally I don't feel able to help you without knowing what makes you feel like that...
Well, a lot of people have left undiagnosed or worse misdiagnosed for so many years suffering from 'invisible' conditions...
Anyway, if you are willing to say anything that makes you feel better, please feel free to express yourself...
You re not alone-you joined this forum;it's a step already!Thank you and sorry if I said something you may not like...Thank you!
 

Dooi

Moderator
Joined
Feb 4, 2013
Messages
149
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
06/2012
Country
CA
@FedUpWithIt, do you have any other information to provide?

I don't want to jump to conclusions but it sounds like you're suffering from depression, which is very difficult and very real. On a positive note, there's things you can do to make life more enjoyable and meaningful.

Neither fibromyalgia nor depression are a death sentence and there's things that can be done to make life feel more like a blessing and less like a a difficult thing to endure.

However, without some more information I'm not sure we can help.
 

FedUpWithIt

New member
Joined
Jun 18, 2020
Messages
6
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
02/2005
Country
US
State
FL
I suffer from severe fibromyalgia, diagnosed at age 8-9, and reconfirmed as recently as 2015. While I know that, TECHNICALLY things aren't that bad, by which I mean I still TECHNICALLY have full use of my limbs, eyesight, hearing etc, but EMOTIONALLY shit sucks. And when I say "emotionally" I don't mean waa waa I want my mommy, I mean EMOTIONS.

I mean what good are my limbs if they literally always hurt?

What good is seeing, when looking at things I used to enjoy like movies or TV shows (I used to binge watch shows like Supernatural and attack on Titan, now Ed andn Eddy gives me anxiety) either fill with me anxiety, or make me feel useless because HERE ARE A BUNCH OF PEOPLE DOING INCREDIBLE stuff, but I'm stuck at home, dying slowly and painfully of what can only describe as erosion. That's what fibromyalgia feels like to me.

What good is hearing when even my dearest great aunt's voice is GRATING on my ears? Literally gives me the chills and makes me uncomfortable, a woman who despite her old age not only helped raise me, but is still to this day extremely devoted and does everything she can to help. What good is hearing when I can't go to parties or hang out with friends and listen to the songs we used to love?

Ever hear of over stimulation? Anhedonia? (I don't know if that's not how you spell it) BRAIN FOG. IBS! I literally thought that's how "my stomach" was. But no, it ISN'T. It's part of a horrible, debilitating condition that still isn't understood by the masses despite thousands of confirmed cases popping up everyday, and billions of tax payer money going to the government each year.

Good luck meeting up with anyone, or socializing in a meaningful way! And that was WAY before covid. And yes, I've tried. I've been trying for over 15 years now. I tried when I spent most of my life in bed, literally screaming in pain for hours on end as a child (because fibromyalgia wasn't nearly as "popular" at the time, so I couldn't even get medication to calm things down). I tried when I was forced to study in spite of all this, and still get good grades, and still be forced/guilt tripped into forming some semblance of a social life. I tried when I went to Pittsburgh and went through an intense physical therapy program because I was dead set on going back to a Brick and Mortar school for 12th grade, if only to get the fucking assholes, consisting mainly of family members who didn't understand (now they do. Now that fibromyalgia is "popular" and some members may or may not have it. Now they're nicer. But it's too fucking late, baby. Damage already done. If you're not aware, I wasn't always "this". I used to be happy. ) friends, and teachers/tutors off my back, and because the online programs that were available to me SUCKED.

I tried when I was bullied every single day for months, used and humiliated by people I thought were friends, and still showed up everyday and graduated valedictorian of my 12th grade class! I tried when I forced myself to go to college, completely unprepared because again, Guilt tripping parents and long story short got Baker acted. I tried after spending 72 hours in a psych ward with legitimately mentally insane INMATES when all I said to my guidance counselor, whom I thought I could trust, was "I don't want to live anymore if it's like this". I kept trying even more after that! Trying to keep up with (UGGGGHHH) ONLINE version of my courses, and getting 90's, trying to keep up with the friends I made in those few days I was actually in college, trying to get back to school by getting "approval" from various psychologists and psychiatrists. And a ton of other stuff. Oh, all of this while feeling the full effect severe fibromyalgia. I tried through all that. Forget about having a sex life, something I still somehow managed to do. Lost my virginity at age 20 to a somewhat good lucking girl (yes, for free, and the consent was mutual), and it was the most uneventful thing. Maybe she was just bad at it? I don't know, I don't have a lot of people to compare to!

Also, Guess what people, working online is NOT a viable option for people with chronic pain, at least mine. I don't care what anyone says. It's not just the whole getting up and getting dressed thing that makes it impossible (which it is, and it does) It's EVERYTHING. Keeping to a schedule, socializing, that actual work itself, whatever it may be- it's all painful made worse by the actual, literal pain and bucket full of other symptoms.

Good luck explaining everything to people who just don't understand, wasting what little energy you have. And most of them aren't even doing it on purpose. THEY JUST CAN'T COMPREHEND IT. And I don't blame them. After being diagnosed at age 8, it wasn't until maybe summer of 2014-2016 that I actually bothered to look up my symptoms! I wanted to believe that, outside of the obvious pain, everything else was "all in my head" as many doctors, friends, and family members would, while not outright state it (MOST of the time), heavily imply was the case with phrases like 'get over it", "don't think about", "just relax", "it's not/can't be that bad" and my personal favorite "EVERYONE HAS PROBLEMS" and several variations thereof.

I have lost SO MUCH. And gone through SO MUCH. And it's STILL going on. At the moment, I'm working on a project for my future that I need not disclose, but even that's fucking failing due in small part to, you guessed it, Fibromyalgia.

And that's not including the constant panic/anxiety attacks, flashbacks of being called names, being told "I could stop you from eating" or threatened to be shot (yes, SHOT. Specifically, "put a bullet in your skull and kill myself right after" by literal members of my family, people I just flat out don't have the strength to confront at the moment (and no, they CAN'T be reasoned with. Psychologists have tried. I'll need a lot more than a cute face and positive attitude to them tell off and get this half decade long scar off my fucking back). And yes, while I "know" life's not that bad. I "know" things can work out, and I "know" people in worse situations than me have fully recovered - even physically - and are out there now renting penthouses and Instagram models, still sucks, and I'm sick of it, and I feel alone 24/7, and I'm jealous of my friends who don't need to consult a graphic/pray to the elder Gods to figure out whether or not they'll be able to work out(like, sports)/talk casually about anything to another human being while NOT sweating profusely under AC and looking like a half dead Terminator like a of mine cousin hilariously put it. So yes, guys. Thank you for noticing. I AM depressed. WHO WOULDA THUNK IT.

Christ.
 

FedUpWithIt

New member
Joined
Jun 18, 2020
Messages
6
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
02/2005
Country
US
State
FL
Oh and did I forget to mention the constant fatigue? Yes? Too tired to do anything, even after having done nothing? All day? Every day? Yeah, that's a thing too. This is a continuation of my previous post, so if this gets approved before the other one just read this last. I'm too tired for this...
 

Dooi

Moderator
Joined
Feb 4, 2013
Messages
149
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
06/2012
Country
CA
I'm not a therapist.

I am sorry you're suffering.

You're clearly suffering.

Fibromyalgia is hard, but depression is far worse for those that suffer from the black clouds, constant ruminating bad thoughts, feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, feelings and thoughts that life will always be bad and continue to be bad, and feelings and thoughts of "what's the point" and "why me" and "it'll never get better" and "nobody understands".

Fortunately, if you choose, there is hope and help available. Both self-help and professional help. But it comes with you first choosing you don't want to live life like this any longer.

One of the best remedies comes in the form of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or CBT. CBT is by far the most successful way to treat depression. Best of all, CBT has shown that self-help, you helping yourself, actually is the longest lasting and most dramatic and effective treatment.

Bibliotherapy has shown extremely high success rates ("reading the help yourself and applying it").

There's a few great books out there, specifically:
  • Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy
  • Mind over Mood
Lastly, it is a choice, you have to choose that you're sick and tired of living and thinking this way. I'm guessing you are, and I don't blame you, I would be to and was myself.

I've been where you are and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy saved my life.

Studies have shown that it can take less than 30 days to feel better. If you're like many people that suffer from deep and long-lasting depression you can feel the best you've ever felt in a very short time. Keeping it up after that point is where the practice and dedication comes in.

Lastly, I would say that some medication to help you keep yourself above water in the meanwhile might be helpful. You can speak to your doctor about this. Just let them know how you feel, like you did above, and that should get you started in the right direction.
 

FibroKate

Member
Joined
Jun 2, 2020
Messages
22
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
05/2019
Country
GR
Even though it sounds weird, it's a first step to express all the things you just said, all your emotions, as you said. All the incidents that have happened to you, are - much or less - common characteristics of most who suffer from FM or a similar condition. I 'm so sorry that you had to be in such pain since you were so young, I can't imagine how painful could have been for a child that age!
No one is a therapist of course but we're here to suggest solutions which may provide help. I totally agree with Dooi about CBT;it saved my life as well - along with personal efforts and other choices, such as taking up yoga, exercising regularly, having physiotherapy, following a balanced diet, taking meds...The sure thing about CBT, though, is that it has to be YOUR choice: make a decision, find a good doctor and start joining therapies.
As you said, FM isn't considered to be a 'famous' condition; it still isn't in my country! Doctors don't even believe that it is a real one and I hadn't been diagnosed because of this attitude for my early teen years...I have suffered from excruciating pain for years because no one believed me!!!I have been forced just to carry on whike I was in such pain that most of those who forced me to carry on and told me to be "less of a crock" couldn't even bear for a few minutes... I was even made to feel embarrassed because I was in pain at such a young age! I was the whinner, the crock, the weak, the hypersensitive, the crazy, the depressed, the oversressed and so on. Even my own mother didn't accept the fact that I was in pain "without proof". I can see how lonely you can be when everyone just seizes the day and you struggle to get up form bed. Or how frustrating can be when everyone is at parties, sports, holidays, events, festivals, trips enjoying themselves while you can't even have a boyfriend/girlfriend or join companies.
You seem quite aware of every aspect FM affects and in which way - even the most desperate one. So, have you ever thought that you are also capable of being aware of the ways/methods which help you to feel better, both physically and emotionally? But I won't tell you lies, it's not an easy task. You need to fight with your self in order to find the strength to accept everything. Yes, you may lose things yet you can win others. I lost almost all of my friends - who were proved selfish and inadequate - but I found others. I have lost part of my mobility but I have gained more stamina because of regular exercise - which still makes me cry out of pain sometimes. I didn't have "normal" sexual relationships like most girls my age but I have a boyfriend who accepted me as I am - he learnt about my condition while we were together, I told him to leave me alone but he didn't...I was depressed because I couldn't see what else I could be while in such pain, feeling alone, with no one's support, struggling to keep up with daily routine even though it was just impossible. I couldn't be my older self yet I didn't want to be that self either. So, after personal hard decisions and efforts, I managed to get REAL help and gradually discover different parts, abilities and skills of mine. It was a personal win and it didn't come all of a sudden but following baby steps.
I still have days when nothing matters but how to cope with pain but no one is constanlty happy or successful or able, so neither am I. I don't say it's easy but it's possible as long as YOU make the decision about which person you want to be and even if you feel "less" than you could have ever dreamt, you still can be "more" than you could ever imagine. It helped me watch stories with other people's stories. Recently, I watched a youtube video with a guy suffering from ALS, moving only his one finger and being a successful computer programming business owner having 40 employees, really down - to - earth considering his disease. Now that you feel so tired is the moment to be the strongest because you owe it to your beautiful self. Nothing can be as it was but it may become even better - I know it sounds silly, but I think you can do it, just by reading some of your emotional thoughts...
Find a team of people who beleive in you wholehearlty and are willing to support your personal, daily effort to be as functional and happy as you can. Who can be there when difficult times come and go. Both professionals and beloved ones, real friends. Most importantly, look inside your heart - to feel doesn't require anything but only your authentic self - and make a decision to make the first step towards the new 'you'. Its the only that matters and's worth trying hard.
I may not know you but I believe in you. I 'll be happy to heard from you when you re ready. Please, don't quit! Thank you for the chance to share my thoughts with you.
Best wishes,
Kate
 

FibroKate

Member
Joined
Jun 2, 2020
Messages
22
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
05/2019
Country
GR
P.S. At this moment, I try to fight fibro fog so writing my thoughts is quite challenging but, if I was "healthier", I would probably never try to answer you or anyone else, because suffering from FM made me wanna offer as much help as I can to everyone out there; FM made me more sympathetic and more sensitive to others' fights, less ignorant to human pain. So, give a chance to you! Sorry for the long post!
 

FedUpWithIt

New member
Joined
Jun 18, 2020
Messages
6
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
02/2005
Country
US
State
FL
I'm not a therapist.

I am sorry you're suffering.

You're clearly suffering.

Fibromyalgia is hard, but depression is far worse for those that suffer from the black clouds, constant ruminating bad thoughts, feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, feelings and thoughts that life will always be bad and continue to be bad, and feelings and thoughts of "what's the point" and "why me" and "it'll never get better" and "nobody understands".

Fortunately, if you choose, there is hope and help available. Both self-help and professional help. But it comes with you first choosing you don't want to live life like this any longer.

One of the best remedies comes in the form of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or CBT. CBT is by far the most successful way to treat depression. Best of all, CBT has shown that self-help, you helping yourself, actually is the longest lasting and most dramatic and effective treatment.

Bibliotherapy has shown extremely high success rates ("reading the help yourself and applying it").

There's a few great books out there, specifically:
  • Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy
  • Mind over Mood
Lastly, it is a choice, you have to choose that you're sick and tired of living and thinking this way. I'm guessing you are, and I don't blame you, I would be to and was myself.

I've been where you are and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy saved my life.

Studies have shown that it can take less than 30 days to feel better. If you're like many people that suffer from deep and long-lasting depression you can feel the best you've ever felt in a very short time. Keeping it up after that point is where the practice and dedication comes in.

Lastly, I would say that some medication to help you keep yourself above water in the meanwhile might be helpful. You can speak to your doctor about this. Just let them know how you feel, like you did above, and that should get you started in the right direction.
I'd argue that I'm suffering more than I am depressed, and I am depressed as a direct result of said suffering. Without the fibro, I'd be able to take care of most of those things. I'm a smart kid, and I know what I'm capable of. Unfortunately, the pain and fatigue+ everything else that comes with this condition just stops me from doing anything. It just HURTS. And I'm tired... I was given a lot of opportunities, none of which ai could take... because pain. I'd argue I need relief from this more than psychological help. I've been seeing psychologists since I was 5, and you can bet I've seen almost 10 different psychs+psychiatrists over the course of my life, but it always comes back to the PAIN.

Why don't you try x? Cause pain
Why do you feel like y? Pain
Maybe you could, no, cause pain

I agree that therapy helps, but it's important to separate the cause from the effect. If you were, say, in an abusive relationship, the 1st thing a psychologist SHOULD do, is help you realize that you are more than that person's opinion, and you deserve better, which would lead you to LEAVING that relationship. But if you are in a situation where you are constantly getting abused, and you can't leave your spouse, no amount of psychological help will..well... help, because you're in a "real" bad situation. It's not an introspective thing, it's a real life dangerous situation that you need to escape from FIRST. It's the same thing with the fibro.

I'm not completely against the idea, but I've tried several psychologists in the past, and the main turning point behind all that anger, sense of self worth, etc is just I feeo physically bad in my body all the time, and can't do the things I need to let alone want to.
 

FedUpWithIt

New member
Joined
Jun 18, 2020
Messages
6
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
02/2005
Country
US
State
FL
Same thing with relationships - it's already hard to find people, good people, but with the fibro even those good people will have limits. If you keep cancelling all the time even if they understand, eventually they'll drift away. So then, it's time to find others, leaving behind the emotional weight of ending a relationship, romantic or otherwise, not because of some fight or whatever, bur because you wwre literally suffering too much to do anything. I want you to imagine that, assuming you're not going through the exact same thing. People LEAVE YOU because you're SUFERRING too much to have fun with them.

And finding other people is hard. Harder than before, because now, you have to deal with that emotional weight on top of the physical condition. The feeling that at any moment they could leave, and they're in their rights to do so. All the effort you (me) had to do to get them to like me, to build a relationship, could come crumbling down at any moment. And it's not like you can know everything about a person in the 1st 5 seconds either.

I'm also at a huge disadvantage. Millennials tend to have shorter attention spans, so people in my age group are very likely to just leave when they get bored. Also, there's roast culture (making fun of everyone and everything, and making people feel bad, "exposing"/"cancelling" by bringing up embarrassing things someone said or did in the past etc), meme culture, which x quite frankly, I'm no longer a part of (too much to keep up, not fun when in pain) and a bunch of other stuff I just don't care about anymore because my body bleeding hurts!
 

FedUpWithIt

New member
Joined
Jun 18, 2020
Messages
6
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
02/2005
Country
US
State
FL
P.S. At this moment, I try to fight fibro fog so writing my thoughts is quite challenging but, if I was "healthier", I would probably never try to answer you or anyone else, because suffering from FM made me wanna offer as much help as I can to everyone out there; FM made me more sympathetic and more sensitive to others' fights, less ignorant to human pain. So, give a chance to you! Sorry for the long post!
Thank you for your kind words. I am tired now, but I will respond to you later, pain+fatigue+fog too
 

sunkacola

Very helpful member
Joined
Dec 2, 2016
Messages
573
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
00/0000
Country
Uni
State
Somewhere
Oh, FedUpWithIt, I so sympathize and also empathize with you and your situation!

How people will just say, rather offhandedly, well you JUST need to....whatever, without understanding at all how difficult or even impossible it is to do that, whatever it is, no matter how simple it seems to them it is not simple for you. Almost everyone will say that This or That will help you if you will only Try or Choose it or Do it, without understanding that if you actually COULD do that, you already would have.

I have fibromyalgia and have suffered immense pain and total fatigue from it, although at this point in my journey with it I am nowhere near as bad off as you are. I can relate to you strongly, though, because I have experienced crippling depression for most of my life, starting when I was a child. I fully understand that you are saying your depression is a result of your pain and fatigue, not a root cause itself, and so it is not the same as mine, which predates the pain for me by decades.

But I still relate, because all my life people would say to me , You just have to CHOOSE to feel better, or be happy, or do this kind of exercise or therapy or whatever. I have always thought that was an insane thing to say to someone in that position because believe me, I CHOSE to do a hundred or more things to try to beat the depression. And was still suffering just the same. And if it were possible for me to choose to feel better, for god's sake, I would have done that many years ago. It isn't simple.

I never gave up trying, and I literally have tried every thing there is to try and most drugs that were available as well and nothing changed the fact that I spent a good deal of the time literally unable to live a real life due to depression. While that has gotten a bit better for me as the years have gone by, it is still a part of my life.

Your situation sounds so much like that to me, even though it's also different.. I don't know if any of these words are the least bit useful to you, or not. Probably not, because I have no advice that, if you take it, will make your life better. but I want you to know you are not alone, and on those days when my pain is at an 11 and I am also deeply depressed, I probably know a lot of how you feel.

I hang in there, anyway. I don't think that there's a better life around the next corner or anything like that. I don't live on hope, in fact do not hope for anything (and am happier without it). I simply go on because I decided to and I do have small moments of joy, and I have learned to grab onto those and make them big. I mean, just a sunset or my dog doing something funny, that kind of thing. Not suggesting you do the same, it might not work for you. I just hope you can find some way to grab a little bit of joy for yourself. And know that you are not alone; there's someone out there who understands as best I can without having had exactly your life..
 

mamacita85

Member
Joined
Jun 24, 2019
Messages
23
Reason
Undiagnosed
Diagnosis
06/2019
Country
Uni
State
MI
HI, Im sure youve tried this but counsling doesnt hurt,(I need to do myself)... I recently started gabapentin and it helps a lot , suboxone patch they make for pain too. as well as weed. now if I could get rid of the fog/inability to focus.... ,I am in way less pain I can tell if I miss it. good luck,my situation is diffrent from yours , I have 3 kids no help, and if I ever wanted out of the relationship marriage Im in for example not that its bad but I let myself become completly dependant house sitter/baby sitter Im 35 years old and feel like I cant make plans etc... well now I realize thats not healthy adding to depression.......its so much harder to do anything when you have a significant other ...3 kids bla bla.... you are single no children... you could do anything!!! I hope you start feeling better and can see that!! good luck -nicole-
 

sunkacola

Very helpful member
Joined
Dec 2, 2016
Messages
573
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
00/0000
Country
Uni
State
Somewhere
Here's a little PS on my post (as if my first one were not long enough!!)

What works the best for me for the pain is CBD combined with THC. I choose to use a tincture, because I don't want to inhale anything. Whatever form, it also can help a lot with mood elevation, and it's great for pain for me. Isn't the right thing for everyone, nothing is. I also use a TENS machine, and heating pad, and OTC pain meds, along with occasional muscle relaxers.
Being as active as I can helps my mood and my physical body. Taking each day one at a time.

I know what it feels like to see everyone else your age able to do things you can't and feels like your life is just passing you by ---I felt exactly that when I was the same age as you. A psychotherapist can help, but they are not all good, and in my experience most of them did me more harm than good. I just kept trying over and over because I couldn't give up (I am like that). Eventually I did find one that worked for me and it did me a world of good. Not meaning to say it cured the depression; it did not. But even so it helped me. Finding one that is right for you is not easy though.

One thing that is obvious:: you are very strong and very intelligent and very persistent, and those are all excellent qualities. I hope that somehow that combination will get you through to a place where your life can be better. The world needs strong, intelligent and persistent people.
 

Cintulinki

New member
Joined
Dec 26, 2019
Messages
5
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
12/1999
Country
CA
State
ON
Oh you poor thing. How I feel for you. Fibromyalgia is horrible it drains your energy and I for one get into a vicious cycle of pain, gentle exercise such as walking,pain,fatigue, worse pain , lack of SLEEP wake up every two hours with the pain especially legs and so it goes on and on. coupled with that I am on blood pressure pills and blood thinners so cannot take NSAIDS so take huge amounts of OTC Tylenol which was no good. My doctor prescribed Cymbalta , which was useless so in desperation I turned to CBD and THC which is legal in Canada and it was like night and day, It literally melted my symptoms away and for the first time in years I felt really good. But it gave me palpitations and raised my blood pressure not too much but I was concerned enough to stopusing it THC 5 mg / CBD 4 mg combination.once a day. if you can take it without problems then it is really an enormous help even if for a short time. So now I am on Tylenol #2 and Nortryptine which is helping me get a good nights sleep which was an issue . I still get Pain mainly both upper legs so I use Rub A535 and Voltaren cream rubbed in to the leg muscle.With this recent plan it has helped but not as much as the CBD combo.
Hope my experience helps. Keep trying and all the best in your journey.
 
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