I suffer from severe fibromyalgia, diagnosed at age 8-9, and reconfirmed as recently as 2015. While I know that, TECHNICALLY things aren't that bad, by which I mean I still TECHNICALLY have full use of my limbs, eyesight, hearing etc, but EMOTIONALLY shit sucks. And when I say "emotionally" I don't mean waa waa I want my mommy, I mean EMOTIONS.
I mean what good are my limbs if they literally always hurt?
What good is seeing, when looking at things I used to enjoy like movies or TV shows (I used to binge watch shows like Supernatural and attack on Titan, now Ed andn Eddy gives me anxiety) either fill with me anxiety, or make me feel useless because HERE ARE A BUNCH OF PEOPLE DOING INCREDIBLE stuff, but I'm stuck at home, dying slowly and painfully of what can only describe as erosion. That's what fibromyalgia feels like to me.
What good is hearing when even my dearest great aunt's voice is GRATING on my ears? Literally gives me the chills and makes me uncomfortable, a woman who despite her old age not only helped raise me, but is still to this day extremely devoted and does everything she can to help. What good is hearing when I can't go to parties or hang out with friends and listen to the songs we used to love?
Ever hear of over stimulation? Anhedonia? (I don't know if that's not how you spell it) BRAIN FOG. IBS! I literally thought that's how "my stomach" was. But no, it ISN'T. It's part of a horrible, debilitating condition that still isn't understood by the masses despite thousands of confirmed cases popping up everyday, and billions of tax payer money going to the government each year.
Good luck meeting up with anyone, or socializing in a meaningful way! And that was WAY before covid. And yes, I've tried. I've been trying for over 15 years now. I tried when I spent most of my life in bed, literally screaming in pain for hours on end as a child (because fibromyalgia wasn't nearly as "popular" at the time, so I couldn't even get medication to calm things down). I tried when I was forced to study in spite of all this, and still get good grades, and still be forced/guilt tripped into forming some semblance of a social life. I tried when I went to Pittsburgh and went through an intense physical therapy program because I was dead set on going back to a Brick and Mortar school for 12th grade, if only to get the fucking assholes, consisting mainly of family members who didn't understand (now they do. Now that fibromyalgia is "popular" and some members may or may not have it. Now they're nicer. But it's too fucking late, baby. Damage already done. If you're not aware, I wasn't always "this". I used to be happy. ) friends, and teachers/tutors off my back, and because the online programs that were available to me SUCKED.
I tried when I was bullied every single day for months, used and humiliated by people I thought were friends, and still showed up everyday and graduated valedictorian of my 12th grade class! I tried when I forced myself to go to college, completely unprepared because again, Guilt tripping parents and long story short got Baker acted. I tried after spending 72 hours in a psych ward with legitimately mentally insane INMATES when all I said to my guidance counselor, whom I thought I could trust, was "I don't want to live anymore if it's like this". I kept trying even more after that! Trying to keep up with (UGGGGHHH) ONLINE version of my courses, and getting 90's, trying to keep up with the friends I made in those few days I was actually in college, trying to get back to school by getting "approval" from various psychologists and psychiatrists. And a ton of other stuff. Oh, all of this while feeling the full effect severe fibromyalgia. I tried through all that. Forget about having a sex life, something I still somehow managed to do. Lost my virginity at age 20 to a somewhat good lucking girl (yes, for free, and the consent was mutual), and it was the most uneventful thing. Maybe she was just bad at it? I don't know, I don't have a lot of people to compare to!
Also, Guess what people, working online is NOT a viable option for people with chronic pain, at least mine. I don't care what anyone says. It's not just the whole getting up and getting dressed thing that makes it impossible (which it is, and it does) It's EVERYTHING. Keeping to a schedule, socializing, that actual work itself, whatever it may be- it's all painful made worse by the actual, literal pain and bucket full of other symptoms.
Good luck explaining everything to people who just don't understand, wasting what little energy you have. And most of them aren't even doing it on purpose. THEY JUST CAN'T COMPREHEND IT. And I don't blame them. After being diagnosed at age 8, it wasn't until maybe summer of 2014-2016 that I actually bothered to look up my symptoms! I wanted to believe that, outside of the obvious pain, everything else was "all in my head" as many doctors, friends, and family members would, while not outright state it (MOST of the time), heavily imply was the case with phrases like 'get over it", "don't think about", "just relax", "it's not/can't be that bad" and my personal favorite "EVERYONE HAS PROBLEMS" and several variations thereof.
I have lost SO MUCH. And gone through SO MUCH. And it's STILL going on. At the moment, I'm working on a project for my future that I need not disclose, but even that's fucking failing due in small part to, you guessed it, Fibromyalgia.
And that's not including the constant panic/anxiety attacks, flashbacks of being called names, being told "I could stop you from eating" or threatened to be shot (yes, SHOT. Specifically, "put a bullet in your skull and kill myself right after" by literal members of my family, people I just flat out don't have the strength to confront at the moment (and no, they CAN'T be reasoned with. Psychologists have tried. I'll need a lot more than a cute face and positive attitude to them tell off and get this half decade long scar off my fucking back). And yes, while I "know" life's not that bad. I "know" things can work out, and I "know" people in worse situations than me have fully recovered - even physically - and are out there now renting penthouses and Instagram models, still sucks, and I'm sick of it, and I feel alone 24/7, and I'm jealous of my friends who don't need to consult a graphic/pray to the elder Gods to figure out whether or not they'll be able to work out(like, sports)/talk casually about anything to another human being while NOT sweating profusely under AC and looking like a half dead Terminator like a of mine cousin hilariously put it. So yes, guys. Thank you for noticing. I AM depressed. WHO WOULDA THUNK IT.
Christ.