Hi I need help

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Hollie34

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My stepson is 22 years old. All the time he kicks the carpet in the bathroom. I always fix it and have to bend down. I know it seems ridiculous but every.time i bend down I hurt. His dad said Im exagerating. Im nearly ending my marriage. I feel so sad and alone
 
Hi Hollie - sorry to hear your plight!

If you have a chronic pain disease like fibromyalgia, like we do, or even just back pain, then it's normal to hurt when we bend down, so for us it's not ridiculous. And it's also common that partners, family or friends don't understand. So we have collected ideas how to help them understand. You will find them if you click here.

Before ending a marriage or being unhappy in one I('d) always seek good counselling to find ways of improving the situation or making a good decision if that isn't possible. Also generally I'd recommend
a) not to wait with this,
b) to send out serious warning signs before it's too late,
c) follow those up with some sort of temporary time out / leaving the situation, then
d) first a separation.
We often make it something black and white: We feel blue, see the situation as black, but continue to hold on to it as if it were still white as long as possible and then suddenly plummet into a red and black end. There'd be much more chances and peace if we'd manage to transition all the shades of grey. And that would even prevent most black results, even if narcissists or psychopaths were involved.
(Just talking to my wife about family and friend relationships made me realize those principles apply to many areas of our lives, including in many cases the build-up of our chronic pain diseases or any flares from overdoing it. )

I've no idea what it means for someone to kick the carpet, I'm thinking perhaps the edges of the carpet or it's a rug you're referring to? Whatever: Workarounds could be
1) to just leave be "fixing it" myself, by ignoring or delegating it or
2) to develop better ways of getting down, rather than bending (see youtube on ways to get up off the floor) or
3) to find new ways of improving your body pains....

As you're feeling so sad and alone at the moment, it's great to see you reaching out online. Praps in this situation to continue this offline too, reaching out again to anyone you know or for support from people who know what it's like and/or like supporting others, paid or unpaid. But of course to continue it here or elsewhere online too, whatever it takes to help you feel and get in a better situation.

Not sure if you're coming back to this, but maybe me developing my ideas about it can help you or others find solutions for similar apparent molehills that can quickly turn into mountains - how to "eat an elephant"....
 
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My stepson is 22 years old. All the time he kicks the carpet in the bathroom. I always fix it and have to bend down. I know it seems ridiculous but every.time i bend down I hurt. His dad said Im exagerating. Im nearly ending my marriage. I feel so sad and alone
I am so sorry to hear this situation is happening.

I really like Jay's advice. If you can apply any of it I hope you try it. If there's malicious abuse happening, my advice would be a little different but since you haven't shared that with us I will piggyback off jaycs.

Please forgive me if I am off base but it sounds like there might be a couple of other significant challenges aside from not being believed. If there is more than 1 significant challenge (in other words, if you were to resolve the problem of not being believed would there still be questions as to whether you want to divorce), can you treat each problem as a separate problem and try to resolve them one by one? In my experience, when theres more than 1 big challenge in a marriage and I don't handle them separately, I make it near impossible to have the insight I will need to help unravel any problem. Also, if I don't separate the problems, I can even forget most of the good or potential in the relationship there is!

Provided you are not unsafe, please don't lose hope for your marriage just yet! Men can be VERY stubborn when it comes to understanding someone else's pain because they are taught to ignore their own pain! It's the whole "suck it up, wussy" thing. I have had to really, really, really spend time and tears explaining things to my husband. I did it wrong at first by not communicating things much at all. I now try to keep him up to date all day long so that he remembers fibro has not disappeared magically. It has taken my husband and me many repeat conversations because fibro is soooooo unusual.

My first husband left me and the best thing I did for myself is give everything I could to keep the door of my heart open should he change his mind. Then, when I had nothing left to give, I closed the door and never was riddled with doubt about it. If a relationship has to end, do what you can to erase any opportunities for guilt or doubt to haunt you ❤️
 
I'm glad you're here. This is a safe space where you can come anytime for any reason and hopefully not feel so alone.
I sense a couple of things going on here. One is the pain you have when bending over. Let me say it does not sound ridiculous. Don't put yourself down like that. You have needs and you have a voice and you should be able to express those needs verbally. I don't know your health care situation, but my first advice would be to see a doctor about your pain.
The second thing is your marriage. I noticed right away that you referred to your husband as his dad. I find that telling because I think most of us would refer to our spouse as our wife or our husband. I don't know you or your husband but I can say that he is being disrespectful if he accuses you of exaggerating when you talk about your pain. That is dismissive and unloving. Again, you should be able to communicate this to him and I hope you will. If it were me I would sit down with him and have a serious discussion about your needs, about communication and about your marriage. And please seek professional help for the sake of your marriage as well if you cannot resolve these serious relationship issues among yourselves.
I wish you nothing but the best and remember we are here for you.
 
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