How do I get him to understand??!!

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Twidman73

New member
Joined
Apr 1, 2016
Messages
2
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
03/2016
Country
US
State
Nj
How do I get me husband to understand how I feel?! I am recently been diagnosed with fibro and RA... I am trying to learn about all of this. All I know right now is that I can look back years and see that I have had this crap... I have been getting a LOT worse over the past couple of months since a car accident. Right now I am having a horrible period, I had to move stuff from 1 house to another, a couple houses that I clean to do and today we are trying to organize the house. Not only am I exhausted and in pain, I can't focus! We have been at it for hours! I need a break! He always says whatever it takes... We will get you better... Just relax... Then when I say I need a break, he makes me feel like I'm being lazy. I am so depressed about all this shit!! I don't know what to say to him to make him understand! He had a spinal fusion a year and a half ago. I would think he of all people would understand. Anybody have any realistic advice?
 
Twidman73, hello!

The best thing I can tell you is to look up the sight:" But you don't look sick" just type it in and read the explanation. It'll be good for you and your DH.
You are not being lazy, you NEED to protect yourself from a complete breakdown, as, in bed and can't get out of it and wracked with pain. Stress in any form makes us so much worse! Clear the clutter in your life,(mentally as well), and pace. I can work 1/2 to one hour-depending what it is-and then have to take a break. That way I can last longer throughout the day, a 20 min. rest-or however long. Seems everything I do anymore is in slow motion but I've settled it within my self that the alternative is to go to bed and stay there.

It may take awhile before your DH gets it but gentle reminders are better than bottling it up and dumping on him. He will never understand, as he doesn't have this. But he can come around to the limits you now have. It is rarely something you "get over", rather it is something you learn to cope with.
 
Twidman73, hello!

The best thing I can tell you is to look up the sight:" But you don't look sick" just type it in and read the explanation. It'll be good for you and your DH.
You are not being lazy, you NEED to protect yourself from a complete breakdown, as, in bed and can't get out of it and wracked with pain. Stress in any form makes us so much worse! Clear the clutter in your life,(mentally as well), and pace. I can work 1/2 to one hour-depending what it is-and then have to take a break. That way I can last longer throughout the day, a 20 min. rest-or however long. Seems everything I do anymore is in slow motion but I've settled it within my self that the alternative is to go to bed and stay there.

It may take awhile before your DH gets it but gentle reminders are better than bottling it up and dumping on him. He will never understand, as he doesn't have this. But he can come around to the limits you now have. It is rarely something you "get over", rather it is something you learn to cope with.

Thank you so much. This is all new to both he and I . I re read what I wrote yesterday. I kind of made it seem like he doesn't understand at all. Actuality is that I couldn't get through this without him. I get so frustrated and mad that I can't do more anymore. I am used to being the one to help everyone with everything and I was so used to running and getting everything done. Now I have had to let some of my customers go, I have to reschedule them sometimes because the pain gets so bad, ( I own a small home cleaning business), there have been days where I will snap at my husband and 4 year old grandson and it's over stupid crap and not fair to them... There have been times that I haven't been able to pick up and hold our 3 month old grandson because of pain. I am only 42... I am so scared of being crippled and this basically ruling my life! This crap has got my depression so out of control... I feel like I'm pushing my husband away... I want more than anything to learn how to not do that. He has a hard time sometimes realizing what I'm going through but he really is my heart and my rock... I just bought the book Fibromyalgia for Dummies in hopes that we can both start to understand this. I am glad that I found this site though. To have some people that listen to what I'm saying and actually completely understand... Thank for replying to my thread and to anyone else who does also...
 
So sorry to hear you can't get him to understand how you feel :( That is specially important because he is your husband, and it's hard they don't get it. Because well, our pain doesn't seem to have a physical reason like other diseases or physical problems. That is why most people can't understand... some people go as far as thinking we are just lazy and not trying hard enough, specially those who deal with pain caused by clear causes.
 
Hi! I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It's really hard to get people to actually understand what the pain is like... especially when it's men. They tend to think we over exagerate everything. Like, with childbirth for one. But, FM and RA are a horrible combination! I'm so sorry for you!
 
It can get very frustrating when you are dealing with a significant other who won't understand your predicament. I would suggest that you point out to him the debilitating condition he suffered and then try to put your suffering to him in perspective. Do this with a genteel mien to avoid the possibility of being seen as vindictive. If all else fails, take a medical sabbatical after notifying him of the same so that he will have time to reflect on his unfairness.
 
@Twidman73 I'm still in denial about it and I live with it myself, and have for years. I don't want to accept that this is what my life has become, and it sounds as if you're fighting it as well. I'm glad you have him for support. It sounds as if y'all can learn about the diagnoses together and that might actually be easier than trying to teach someone who isn't open to hearing, or who hasn't witnessed the change in you and your ability to function. One day at a time works for us, too, so try to break things down into smaller steps, and celebrate small accomplishments.
 
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