I am going crazy

Suekri01

New member
Joined
Jan 6, 2025
Messages
7
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
01/2011
Country
US
State
NM
I am having a new symptom as well as worsening pain and exhaustion. I am taking melatonin at doctor-prescribed levels for my horrible daily headaches (no one can diagnose them, and I've tried all the migraine treatments so far) and Trazadone which allows me to sleep. That's a small mercy for now, but I know from past experience that I develop a tolerance to it.

My problem now is that I feel as if I'm going crazy. I mean literally, not my usual deppression, anxiety and possibly bipolar (diagreements on that between docs.) I snap all the time, swear like a sailor if even the slightest thing goes wrong, have zero patience, even dropping something can set me off. I yell at my husband though he does SO MUCH for me. I make him suffer, too. I am in a state of rage all the time. About every other day I think seriously of killing myself because between this "new" brain problem and the constant fibro pain and severe back pain (I still have to do some things around the house and even taking a shower makes it worse.) I was a novelist for 20 years and now I can't remember where the keys are on the keyboard and am constantly misspelling things. As I said, the smallest things make me blow up or start to cry (I never cry) and scream, literally, and it was not this way even a month ago.

I think it's separate from the pain, but the pain certainly doesn't help. I don't trust my hospital related psychiatrist even though there are none taking new patients or Medicare in Albuquerque. (I haven't been to the hospital for this, only got my psych. through it.)I only trust my PCP who takes me seriously enough that he's doing a televisit with me Memorial Day morning!

I just can't go on with both the severe mental "decline" and the constant pain. It's more than I can handle and I don't want to look forward to this for the rest of my life, though since I'm 66 who knows how much longer that will be. I think I am getting dementia since my personality changes over the past few weeks are so extreme. My poor husband. Tomorrow I will talk to my doc and explain this all over again, including my increasing desire to end my life.
 
Hi @Suekri01

Welcome to the forums 🤗 🤗

I snap all the time, swear like a sailor if even the slightest thing goes wrong, have zero patience, even dropping something can set me off. I yell at my husband though he does SO MUCH for me. I make him suffer, too. I am in a state of rage all the time.

Yep, done that a few times. Disappointingly, I've been told it can be a common issue with fibro. Only way I manage it is to try to avoid triggers (yeah, right. One never sees them until they give you a clout over the head 😕 ).

Anyway, I'm finding accepting that fibro is what it is, the gremlins party way too hard, and we cop the lot....just to try and accept that seems to lower the stress. I mean, trying to go with the flow, and not getting angry at oneself does help to get it back under control. Sort of. Sometimes :giggle:

Trying hard to not blame oneself for what we really have virtually no control over, that can go a long long way.

Learning to dance with fibro, as one person put it. ;)🤗🤗🤗
 
@Suekri01 I feel so much empathy for you, and am so sorry you are going through this. I have not experienced exactly what you are experiencing right now, but I certainly have had many extremely hard struggles with mental health issues. While I spent many years seeing therapists and working on things from past traumas and all of that, I think the thing that has helped me the most has been medication. There have been times when getting on the right dose of the right meds has literally saved my life.

Now, getting to that point has been extremely grueling some of the time, and I spent a lot of time in years past trying different meds with results varying greatly. Looking back I don't know how I survived it. But I am glad I did because these days I am once again taking medication that is helping me with the extreme anxiety that I had been experiencing 24 hours a day for almost a year.

I am only saying this in case you feel that it might be worth a try to attempt to get some assistance from medication. This is a highly personal decision so I won't advise you to do it; I am only saying it has helped me.

And I want you to know that you are not alone in feeling as if you are going crazy. I have felt as if my mind is working against me....turning me into a kind of person that I am not if I am myself. And there have been times, like right now, that medication seems to allow me to be more of the person that I naturally am.

Please let us know how you are doing and know that you have our support.
 
I hear you. You start to feel crazy. At least in the past I had a doctor who acknowledged it, but here where I live there is only one doctor and she insists it doesn't exist and is all in my head. I feel like I'm drowning and there is no land in sight.
 
Hi, and thanks to all for the replies. Oh my, I've been on SO many medications for anxiety, depression abnd bipolar over the years, long before the fibro really kicked in all the way (and has been getting worse I assume due to aging.) I am not getting my help from my current psychiatrist having lost my psychopharmacologist, the only one in my state, who suddenly quit. I am going to see a fibro/pain managemennt doctor but he can't see me until the end of august. Not all my days are as bad as described above, but I still sense that there is something more going on than my usual psychiatric "problems" or Fibro pain. If it is the Fibro, I will have to learn some way of calming myself down. That's very hard for me to do.

Best,

Sue
 
The grind of constant fibromyalgia pain can really wear you down to your last nerve and deplete your frustration tolerance until it's so low that any little thing can set off rage. I can totally relate. I used to go outside with a tennis ball and throw it against the house, swearing a blue streak, to get it out of my system. I gave my long suffering husband hell over every little thing he did that displeased me. Like you, I was appalled by myself; this is not who I am or would ever want to be.

For me, a lot of it is due to a major lack of proper sleep. I'm lucky to get 5 hrs. a night of light sleep. Not getting enough sleep or deep enough sleep are both common with the sleep disorder that is unique to Fibro, called the alpha-delta sleep anomaly. It can wreak havoc with our ability to regulate our emotions. I've learned to yell under my breath instead of at my spouse, and also to automatically switch my thoughts to a favorite past experience that was calm and serene and force myself to think only of that. It helps, but my blood pressure is way too high, despite 3 drugs to lower it, and I think this is the reason. Getting angry is not good for our hearts either.

I think our society in general grossly underestimates how important sleep is to both physical and mental health. If you do some reading on what loss of deep sleep does to people, you may see that many of your symptoms are a typical result. I don't know what the solution is though. All of the really good sleep meds have long since been taken off the market due to misuse by street addicts. I hope you will not be too hard on yourself though. You are trying your best to handle an untenable situation without taking it out on others. That is admirable.
 
Hi, just putting my professional hat on (I'm a therapist). It sounds like your mental health is really on a downer, and with the suicidal ideation I'd say you need urgent medical care. It sounds absolutely awful. If possible, I'd really recommend a psychiatrist to get you stabilised again.
As you have ?bipolar you should have an emergency plan for what to do if your mental health tanks - meds you take during a 'flare up' of your mental health condition, professionals who can support you etc.

I really hope you feel much better soon.
 
They have proved that it is a real disease . I really feel for you. X
 
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