I feel really guilty right now

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Corvid

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I have never allowed myself to call in sick from work because of fibro/cfs. No matter how awful I felt, I always dragged myself into the office unless I definitely had a "real" virus (like the puking kind or the kind that showed up on a thermometer).

But yesterday I just couldn't do it. I summoned all my willpower, but I just couldn't will myself out of bed. I called in sick and spent the day in bed.

What I feel so guilty about, though, and scared, is that I called in sick again today. It's like once my willpower was allowed off the hook it doesn't ever want to go back.

I love my job. I love my coworkers. I can't afford to go on disability. I've got to "get back in the saddle" of forcing myself to go to work no matter how awful I feel.

End of confession/moan/groan.
 

terbaer

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430
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DX FIBRO
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Oh Corvid, I'm so sorry. The only thing I can say is DO NOT FEEL GUILTY.....I carried that guilt around every time I couldn't make it to work and it only made me worse. I started getting anxiety and depression because of it. Maybe you've just pushed for so long, you need a little break. If so, give it to yourself. It might rejuvenate you. I was a manager. I loved my work and my coworkers. I worked there almost 25 years. I couldn't afford to go on disability either, but guess what, that's where I'm headed now. I'm not saying you will be here, but sometimes you just have to listen to your body. I didn't. I started passing out on my way to work. I had a heart attack because I pushed. I'm telling you this so you'll just step back and hopefully forgive yourself for being human with an illness. It took me a long time to learn to quit beating myself up for not being able to do. Do all the things I used to do, like not miss a bunch of work. If you continue to push when your body is saying you can't, something worse could happen.

My story is that I didn't think I could afford to go on disability either. Then I started going to counseling. She was a godsend. She told me to grieve. Grieve the loss of who I was and accept and embrace who I am now. She told me that from everything I described about my symptoms and my life, that I really shouldn't be working. So I listened....

I listened to what she said. I grieved and I started thinking. So what if I went part-time? And I ran the numbers. I was amazed at how easy it would be. I went part-time at my current job because I began missing so much work. I found that it was still too difficult. I was still missing a lot of work. By chance I went to a specialist and she told me to take a month off. So I did. Like you, my body was let off the hook just a little more and it didn't want to go back. I extended the leave because I was still so fatigued and having so many flares and headaches that I was unable to go back. After a few months, I knew. I knew I was done. So I ran the numbers again and looked at what I would get if I were on disability and you know what? I figured out that I could do it. I'm still waiting for approval from Social Security, but I have been approved by the state's Long-Term Disability. My last day of "employment" is the end of this month, then I'm "retired".

This is my story and I'm not suggesting you will get to the point of not being able to work. I don't know anything about your situation. My point I guess is, just take life one day at a time and forgive yourself if you have to miss a day or two here and there. If it gets worse then think outside the box. I'm retiring at 50, but really i'm disabled at 50. I'm leaving my retirement in until I'm eligible to retire and really be able to get my retirement. Much earlier than planned, but it's okay. I have faith it is all going to work out (usually ;-) )....I have my freak out days and my anxiety days, but I have to remember to keep the faith....Hang in there. You'll be okay....
 

Corvid

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Thanks, Terbaer. You have a lot of wisdom, and I appreciate you taking the time to encourage me to be kind to myself and my body.

I have to survive a least a little while longer. I was a homemaker for many years, so I don't have enough years in to Social Security to qualify for anything yet. I was unemployed for almost three years after my divorce before I finally got my current job, so I've got a lot of time and money to make up. I hope that I can keep chugging along until I'm "in the system" and closer to retirement age.

I did make it in to work today, but it was really hard. One day at a time.
 

terbaer

Senior member
Joined
Apr 3, 2014
Messages
430
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
10/2010
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Exactly, one day at a time. I remember those days. I worked that way for quite a few years. You sound like a very strong person. I know you can do whatever you need to to survive. Just give yourself a break once in a while and don't be too hard on yourself. You didn't ask for this. I wish you the best....Gentle hugs...Stay connected to the forum. It really has helped to keep my spirits up and kept me going when things got really, really difficult while I was still working.
 

Loftpat

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Joined
Aug 12, 2013
Messages
374
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
08/2013
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US
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ME
Corvid, I don't know your circumstances, but a heads up. If you do not remarry, you can get SS retirement benefits based on your ex's earnings. If you remarry over the age of 60, you can still get those benefits if they are higher than yours. Also note, if you ex dies (not wishing that), you are eligible for widow benefits. In all these cases you need to have been married 10 years. I'm not sure how this applies around disability. Worth looking into when you retire.
I am so sorry that your fibro is making it difficult to work. I totally understand that struggle. Now working very limited hours and hoping to survive until I can get SS benefits, retirement or disability. So close, yet so far. Take care.
 

Lyndsey

Active member
Joined
Dec 18, 2014
Messages
89
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
04/2014
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CA
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British Columbia
Hi Corvid,

I just saw your post, and the feeling of guilt is so familiar to me. I went off work 8 months ago. It took so much for me to take that step. For about 8 years I never ever called in sick, no matter how bad I felt I just pushed through it. Some days working in such a state that it was dangerous for me as I work in law enforcement. The fear of being judged and such. It is a struggle for us that deal with chronic pain, and until I found this site I was feeling so badly about myself because of being off work.

Several people on this site encouraged me and made me feel so much better about the situation, and not to feel guilty. I am blessed to have found this. So I will say the same to you as was said to me. Please don't feel guilty and take care of yourself. Work will always be there and your health is the most important thing in life. I know it is easier said than done, I struggle with it on a daily basis.

Hope you are well tonight.

Lyndsey
 

JKerner59

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May 1, 2014
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80
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DX FIBRO
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Hi Corvid, All the above comments are so true. I'm Catholic so I know a lot about guilt (LOL!).....I have come to the conclusion also that feeling guilty is a waste of good mind space.....none of us would wish this on ourselves so as to lose our income and everything we worked for...to hell with people who have an opinion about our work ethic when they have NO idea what we are going through just to get up and going every day...Jesus loves me this I know......well sometimes I'm sure he rolls his eyes! Hang in there!
 

Cathy

New member
Joined
Feb 17, 2015
Messages
2
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
04/2008
Country
CA
State
NS
Do I ever know the feeling of guilt. I worked all my live and was expecting to work until I was 70...just kidding. And then I had to quit. Talk about guilt. But you know you and I have done our best. We worked as long as we could. There is no shame not being able to do what you could before. Just add up the years from when you started to work (maybe in your teens) until now. I bet you will be surprised.
 

cmetryme

Extremely helpful member
Joined
Nov 3, 2013
Messages
1,030
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
03/2008
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TX
Corvid,
every day brings a new adventure. try to make the best of it. your still you inside(even without a candy bar) and your heart has not changed.

stay well.
 

moe1959

Very helpful member
Joined
Sep 13, 2014
Messages
708
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09/2014
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As long as you have your memory, go back. It's if and when brain fog sets in. Kinda hard to hang in at that point. Sorry
 
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