Oh Corvid, I'm so sorry. The only thing I can say is DO NOT FEEL GUILTY.....I carried that guilt around every time I couldn't make it to work and it only made me worse. I started getting anxiety and depression because of it. Maybe you've just pushed for so long, you need a little break. If so, give it to yourself. It might rejuvenate you. I was a manager. I loved my work and my coworkers. I worked there almost 25 years. I couldn't afford to go on disability either, but guess what, that's where I'm headed now. I'm not saying you will be here, but sometimes you just have to listen to your body. I didn't. I started passing out on my way to work. I had a heart attack because I pushed. I'm telling you this so you'll just step back and hopefully forgive yourself for being human with an illness. It took me a long time to learn to quit beating myself up for not being able to do. Do all the things I used to do, like not miss a bunch of work. If you continue to push when your body is saying you can't, something worse could happen.
My story is that I didn't think I could afford to go on disability either. Then I started going to counseling. She was a godsend. She told me to grieve. Grieve the loss of who I was and accept and embrace who I am now. She told me that from everything I described about my symptoms and my life, that I really shouldn't be working. So I listened....
I listened to what she said. I grieved and I started thinking. So what if I went part-time? And I ran the numbers. I was amazed at how easy it would be. I went part-time at my current job because I began missing so much work. I found that it was still too difficult. I was still missing a lot of work. By chance I went to a specialist and she told me to take a month off. So I did. Like you, my body was let off the hook just a little more and it didn't want to go back. I extended the leave because I was still so fatigued and having so many flares and headaches that I was unable to go back. After a few months, I knew. I knew I was done. So I ran the numbers again and looked at what I would get if I were on disability and you know what? I figured out that I could do it. I'm still waiting for approval from Social Security, but I have been approved by the state's Long-Term Disability. My last day of "employment" is the end of this month, then I'm "retired".
This is my story and I'm not suggesting you will get to the point of not being able to work. I don't know anything about your situation. My point I guess is, just take life one day at a time and forgive yourself if you have to miss a day or two here and there. If it gets worse then think outside the box. I'm retiring at 50, but really i'm disabled at 50. I'm leaving my retirement in until I'm eligible to retire and really be able to get my retirement. Much earlier than planned, but it's okay. I have faith it is all going to work out (usually ;-) )....I have my freak out days and my anxiety days, but I have to remember to keep the faith....Hang in there. You'll be okay....