I have enough.. Am I being unreasonable??

Nika1995

New member
Joined
Jul 16, 2021
Messages
2
Hello Everyone,
I apologize in advance if this post will be hectic however English is my second language. I just had a big fight with my husband because he promised to his brother that we are going to attend his wedding in Pakistan this year along with our children aged 4 and 1 year old. I've just been diagnosed with fibro in June so I'm still trying to come to the terms that I'm going to be in pain for probably the rest of my life. I just feel like my husband does not understand what I'm going through every day. I can't walk for more than 5 minutes and my legs are constantly burning. How am I supposed to travel 8 hours by plane with two young children while being in pain to country that has completely different weather, food (I suffer from IBS) and time zone! It's like fibro sufferers worst nightmare.When I explained to my husband that he can go but he should not assume that I will also come with the kids he said that I'm just headache. I was crying for an hour because he's acting like I'm the problem but was I asking for this condition? I'm the one that is in pain and I actually got fibro after traumatic birth of our second daughter. Am I being unreasonable? Would anyone of you just go for it and travel? Fibro flare can be terrifying let alone imagine being on the other side of the world far from the comfort of your home.
 

Lemon

Active member
Joined
Nov 27, 2021
Messages
46
Hello Nika, I can’t imagine how hard that would be for you, and hope your husband can understand. However hard for him it is, I hope you can find peace and stay where you need to stay, to feel a lot better
 

sunkacola

Very helpful member
Joined
Dec 2, 2016
Messages
1,752
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
00/0000
Country
Uni
State
Somewhere
Hi Nika,

You have encountered the thing that is probably the most commonly found in all people with FM.

We are all different in our types of symptoms and what helps with it or doesn't but just about all of us have experienced someone who doesn't understand, doesn't try to understand, and/or who blames us for what we are experiencing. So at the very least, please do not feel alone. You have a great deal of support here!

To me, the most important thing is for you to take care of yourself.

If I were faced with something like this, these are the things I would consider:
1) If I felt that I would not do well with the trip, and would be miserable, I would be very inclined not to go.
2) If I thought the trip might make things worse for me, I wouldn't go.
3) If I had a partner who was not being understanding of my situation when I was at home, I would definitely not want to put myself into a situation where I would be away from home, and additionally in a situation where everyone else would be upbeat and celebrating and expecting me to do the same, as this would be very stressful - which would make me feel worse physically as well as mentally.

Bottom line: if your husband is this lacking in understanding now, think how much worse it could be for you if you go, and feel terrible, cannot participate fully, and he gets angry at you or blames you for that.

If possible, the trip regardless, (meaning whether or not you go) maybe you can sit down with him (and perhaps your doctor as well or an understanding friend or family member) and have a real heart-to-heart with your husband, explaining to him that this is real, and you are not imagining it nor faking it. That you need his understanding and patience with you because you are having to deal with something that requires you to be patient with yourself. That you may not be always able to do what he wants when he wants it, and he needs to reconcile himself to that, just as you have to for your life. Ask him to imagine how it would be for him if he were constantly in pain, and how he would need your understanding.
Some people come around in time, and are supportive when they fully realize it is real. Others don't. You can only try your best, and at the same time take the best care you can of yourself.
 

JayCS

Very helpful member
Joined
Sep 5, 2020
Messages
908
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
02/2020
Country
GE
Hi Nika, I know some fibromites seem to be able to do a little bit of traveling, but I can't at all (a one hour drive is pretty tough for me), so I very much understand: mattress, food, not being able to self-care like at home, to rest properly and intensely, even the air.
I guess tradition, rituals & politeness etc. are the driving force for your husband. He's come out of a call with "your other world" and said something coming from there. Pretty sure his brother knows nothing about what you're going thru and your husband has not talked with him about it.
I like @sunkacola's idea of not talking directly with your husband about it, but with your doctor. Firstly just for the diagnosis and what it means for you in all depth. And only in the end about the impossibility to travel.
Another idea might be to do a test traveling for a shorter time. I discussed traveling with my psychotherapist and we worked out to make it clear that there is no way that I can now drive to the sea with all the wind and to try short trips very near home and self-caring as much as I can in the process. I communicated my symptoms clearly and this made it clear to my wife where my limits are and what happens. E.g. on holidays/vacation: if I can only go out for an hour or so a day due to the pain of getting there, then she will have to go out alone or reduce the type of activity. To build this up it may be necessary to learn to vividly describe how you are feeling (first to yourself, then communicate this to others). In my case, my wife is very empathetic, so sees it even before I feel it. That's maybe a sign of a truly loving partner.
Another - unlikely - idea is if you know anyone in your family who does understand how severely fibro is affecting you and can help put it across - if not to your husband then praps to his brother.
 

CreativeOne

Member
Joined
Nov 27, 2021
Messages
11
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
10/2011
Country
US
State
NV
I didn't know this could also be triggered by giving birth. I have had 6 whiplash injuries, this all muscle connections to top of head and bottom of my ribs are fraught with trigger point knots. And oatmeal, hersheys spreads and corn trigger all over body pain. I googled them for common ingredients and it came to be high amounts of soy lisathin in hersheys and highest amount in any food in Oatmeal.
 

sunkacola

Very helpful member
Joined
Dec 2, 2016
Messages
1,752
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
00/0000
Country
Uni
State
Somewhere
I didn't know this could also be triggered by giving birth. I have had 6 whiplash injuries, this all muscle connections to top of head and bottom of my ribs are fraught with trigger point knots. And oatmeal, hersheys spreads and corn trigger all over body pain. I googled them for common ingredients and it came to be high amounts of soy lisathin in hersheys and highest amount in any food in Oatmeal.
Creative One, you might want to start your own thread to discuss this, as it is off-topic for this thread. Thanks.
 
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