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Jun 21, 2013

I am happy to have found this forum because fiber is part of my life. My mother has fibromyalgia. She is my best friend and it breaks my heart to see her suffer. Whenever I ask her how she is doing she smiles, then says "I'm fine". I can look at her face, or watch how she moves and I know she is in pain. She says that she doesn't want to 'moan and complain' but I WANT to know how she feels.
I want to be able to give her the support that she needs. My mother isn't computer savvy, but if she was I would definitely suggest this forum to her. I would love to be the person my mom could go to when she wants to moan, complain, or just vent about how she feels.

How can I let her know I am genuinely here for her?

Thank you!
Best Wishes to you All.
Hi! It's great to see your compassion for her situation.... My mother has RSD and also has had disc fusions recently and I think she and I both may have fibro. I've seen my mom Deal with RSD for over 15 years... It's so hard to see your best friend, someone you love so much deal with this stuff day in and day out. I know my mom feels the same way about me with my issues too.... The best thing I've found with my mom is just being there... We talk a out things constantly. You day she'd your best friend (I feel the same way about my mom) and that's the best thing is to make sure it stays that way.
If she's not computer savy maybe one day tell her you fund a support group and see if she'd be interested in taking a look. If she finds things interesting here, offer to create an account for her and maybe be her scribe.....
Honestly, the best thing is just letting her know you're always there for her and spending time with her which I'm sure you do anyways
Thank you very much!

Yes, my mother is my best friend. We talk constantly.She explained that talking helps because it takes her mind off of the pain momentarily. I noticed that my mother likes to stay very busy especially in the early parts of the day. She loves to shop! In the past I would tell her that she needed to rest instead of being so busy all the time. However, she explained that she enjoys staying busy instead of resting all the time. I want her to be able to discuss her aches and pains with me. Sometimes she will start telling me how she feels but then mid sentence she says "nevermind, I don't want to keep complaining". This breaks my heart. I would be devestated if I didn't have an outlet. So, I will take your advice, I will suggest she get online to meet others who are going through the same thing as she is. If necessary I will help her step by step in the process and even be her "scribe" if she wants me to.

I appreciate you taking the time to respond. After I read your response I did research about RSD. It sounds like such a complex condition. I know that you understand how difficult it is for me to see my mother struggle. I wish you and your mother the very best. I hope you are able to find confort in each others love and friendship.

Thank you
Best Wishes to you!
I want to be able to give her the support that she needs. My mother isn't computer savvy, but if she was I would definitely suggest this forum to her. I would love to be the person my mom could go to when she wants to moan, complain, or just vent about how she feels.

How can I let her know I am genuinely here for her?

Hey MissyBea, and welcome. After reading so many heart breaking posts about families not understanding, this was so nice to read! Your mama's very lucky. :smile:

How can you let her know you're genuinely here for her? I'd say just by asking how she's doing is a good way... because she knows you care. Maybe instead of asking if you can do anything for her, ask WHAT you can do for her and don't let up until she gives you a good answer. Maybe she's hungry for fast food or would love to see a particular movie... something you could do together would make a nice memory.
I echo Mariposa! It's so nice to see a family member to try and understand. I applaud you!

As regards to you're Mom not wanting to "complain". It's just as much as not wanting to burden others with the pain as much as it is a protection to her self. Sometimes we don't want to talk about it because we don't want to dwell on it...but keep asking cause it shows her you care...and if she gives you the "I'm fine," line you can even call her out on it...I have friends that do! They look at me and say,
"Really!" And I own up to it. Now if she doesn't want to go there give her her space, but let her know that you want to be there for her...which I think you are doing. Once again I applaud you!

just be there for her..I have fibro and I have had long talks with my eldest about it.. he is 22 so part of him is still in games and his life and stuff but he calls me everyday on skype ( he lives in Brockville, I am just outside of Ottawa).. He listens to all my aches and pains and always finds ways of making me laugh or feel special in his life.. and really that is what we need.. to FEEL important..when your body is attacking you and you cant do half the things you used to.. you start to feel useless and unimportant..there are days I just wanna hide in bed but I know I cant cause I will miss that call..I also hide alot of pain away or change the subject until it gets to the point where I cant handle.. I am extremely lucky to have a husband who understands ( for the most part.. we all have our moments)and has been my rock especially after my cancer diagnoses..after we walked out of the doctors office he just took me in his arms to hide that i was crying(keeping my dignity) and just let me cry until I couldnt cry anymore.. my point is having people there in our lives when we need it is INVALUABLE and means soooo much to us.. we dont want to be forgotten..

sorry i am rambling... just be there for her.. she may not saying it but you just visiting her will be the highlight of her day just like my son's skype calls.. and if anyone ever wants to talk..feel free to message me... and if I could clone my husband to everyone who doesnt have a great support person in their lives i would do it.. I really would.
You have already been given great advice and I agree completely with the above replies. I take care of my mother and while sometimes it is hard work doing so, it is a reward and a treasure I will hold in my heart the rest of my life. Just being there and listening is the greatest gift a daughter can give to her mother. Give yourself some free time to relax and keep your stress levels down when she is hurting and nothing seems to be working. Lots of hugs and letting her know you love her is the most important thing you can do.

Take time to read through the forum posts, the new and old, and I am sure you will both find new coping skills. And post any questions and we will all do our best to answer your concerns. Hope you have a wonderful day! :)
I appreciate your post because I recently moved from MO to CA to live with my daughter because she was constantly worried about me. I have fibro, RA and osteoarthritis. We are also best friends and it has been a great blessing for me to have her help me when I need it. I also try not to burden her with my daily pain and also hate the fact I am not as independent as I used to be.

It is difficult when roles have reversed and you no longer take care of your children but they take care of you. That is the way it should be but isn't always. My daughter lets me know how very happy she is to have me here with her and that helps me emotionally to deal with the daily issues. Just be there for her, let her know you want to listen if she wants to talk.

You are a blessing to your mom!

I'm so happy to see you and your mum are close. Even in the best of circumstances that isn't always the case.
My mother and I haven't always been but I got the chance to go back to live with my parents for a year and a half before I moved to Canada and we put a load of old bones to rest. We are now very good friends. We both have Fibro, arthritis and a miriad of other conditions between us but we rarely talk about them. Mum will sometimes give me a heads up on what might happen in the progression of our problems and I'm always telling her she does too much but we like to talk about things that mostly makes us laugh.
Its hard being so far away but I like to think I can brighten her day and make her feel better if only for a little while like she does for me.
Sometimes knowing someone will listen without judgment is enough that you don't NEED to actually say how bad you feel because you know that other person knows... does that make sense?
So blessings to you MissyBee
Wow, your mother is surely blessed. Just keep doing what you are doing. :)

Thanks for posting this
I know exactly the situation that you're in, because I, too, have a family member with the disease. It's horrible to have to watch them suffer, and I know that I would do absolutely anything in order to get rid of the pain that they're in. It can be difficult to know what to say to them, because you know that their lives are pretty much taken up with this pain, but I find that just being there for them is great. Asking if there is anything that they need is good, but make sure that you don't suffocate your Mum, as this might be annoying to her. Remember all of the things that we take for granted that we're able to do which she might not be able to do, and make sure that you help out as much as possible.
I'm sure she knows; wish you were my daughter. My kids don't care enough to learn the name of my disease! When you explain it, they tune you out. These are adults, not small children. Completely self centered.
Your mom is very lucky to have you!
I agree and don't take it to heart if she snaps at you. We are in grave pain and that makes us irritable. You must understand. Your love is evident.
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