I'm going to do something I never do.....

[thparker13]

Hi there - I absolutely can relate, this type of situation has happened to me three times now. The first was my friendship of 24 yrs, I was getting married and she said she couldn’t handle my happiness, I was devastated. She threw away our whole relationship due to me being happier than her.
The second one is my brother, it’s been 13 years now since we have spoken, however this one actually makes me happy! It was this relationship I realized that you should not have people in your life if all the bring to the table is misery! I want someone to be in my life because we bring value to each other’s lives, he brought nothing and I’ve been happier not having him in it.
The third one was more recently, I had a friend for nearly 10 years and she threw it away based on our political views. I asked her to not talk about it because we were not in agreement and she decided that her view was more important than our friendship, so another friendship down the tubes. I talked to her about everything, it left me feeling empty.
As I get older, and my friends seem to fall by the waste side, I realized that friendships can be difficult and not the same as when we were kids and called everyone our friends. I truly don’t really have anyone to talk to now, and has made things very difficult. I do have my husband, but it isn’t the same, I can’t complain about him to him! (jk). I have tried to consider volunteering at places or going to go do yoga or something with the hopes I may meet someone there, but it’s difficult to leave the house some days. The one thing I truly have appreciated is finding this forum and being able to post and have very kind people respond with such positive feedback and support. I hope you feel better about how things have transpired between the two of you, it is very difficult to get over. I feel your friendship was a selfish one and maybe a little more one sided. You bring value, always remember that and if another person doesn’t respect you and reciprocate, then they need to be left behind.
For us, health and wellbeing is the most important to trying to live as much of a pain free life as possible! You did the right thing!

 

[sunkacola]

@thparker13 ...thank you so much.
I was shocked to hear that a friend threw you away because you had a happy thing happen in your life!! That is just beyond the pale. I cannot even imagine such a thing. If a friend has a better life than I do, I might wish that I had a better life than I have, but couldn't imagine not being ever so happy for my friend! You are most certainly better off without people like that in your life.

I also have nothing to do with a sibling. It was a very toxic relationship for me, and I tried for decades to make it work, and finally one day there was a "last straw", and I said, that's the end. The relief I felt was tremendous; that was 7 years ago and I've never looked back.

I actually have completely 100% opposing political views from this ex-friend of mine I have written about here on this thread. But to me, that doesn't have to be the end....there are other things in life besides politics, and I hate politics anyway! But, for years, this person would make denigrating horrible remarks to me about "those____", naming the political party to which they knew I belong. I told them over and over that this hurt my feelings, and I wouldn't ever say such such things about them, let alone to them. But they kept doing it. Also....for a long time, I would have to remind them over and over, "Do not talk to me about politics because if you do it will destroy our friendship. We can't talk about that!" Finally, they stopped trying to talk politics with me. But it took literally years of me reminding them almost every time we talked. That was very trying for me. But I hung in there.

I don't have anyone to talk to most of the time, either, and do not have a partner. At least, you have a partner....but I completely get what you are saying, because when I have had a partner, even when it was a good relationship, I very badly needed someone ELSE to talk t o as well! It's not because we always need to complain (maybe sometimes!)...but just to have someone with a different view.

People have said to me, go out and meet people! But they have no idea how much energy that would take!! I live 45 minutes drive from town. I am not a gregarious person; I am an introvert. I sometimes have anxiety. I am often depressed. Combine that with being in pain all the time and most days feeling heavily fatigued, and where am I going to get the energy to "go out and meet people"? It's actually kind of amusing, to think about it.

Yes, I think you are right, thparker. That friendship I just lost was a selfish one. I have been thinking about it a lot (of course) and realizing that I let a lot of things go over the years. Times when that person abandoned me for many months, right when I needed a friend the very most (such as when my partner died). They just stopped communicating with me....no explanation....and I didn't hear from them again for almost a year. No reply to all my messages and emails. When I asked them why, they claimed to have called me over and over and I never answered. But I always knew that was a lie. Everyone knows that if someone calls your number, even if it never connects, even if it only does one half of a ring and they hang up, there's a record of the call on your phone. And there was not one single record of a call. T hey claimed to have sent emails, but I never got one. Another lie, because I have had the same email address for the entire time I have known this person. And I always just let it go.

Maybe this latest thing is a sort of "last straw". But I simply cannot ever forgive it or let it go if someone says they are ending the friendship when I have done nothing to deserve it. That's a step too far for me. It's a breach of trust that destroys everything. As if a wine glass was thrown down on a sidewalk. You can't glue it back together and drink out of it.

@thparker13 Thank you for your words of support. They mean a lot to me, and being able to write about this here means a lot as well because there's no one I can talk to about it.
I really wish that you had not also lost friendships. But reading your experience helps me, so thank you for taking the time to write to me about it. I appreciate that very much.

 

[Harpy]

Sunkacola, I totally get you here. I have a friend I have known since kindergarten in 1970. Now she has been made redundant she is up all night.
I too need my phone on 24/7 , mainly for my mom if she needs me. But my friend Starts messaging me from midnight so all I do now is block her when I got to bed then unblock her at my breakfast time, it’s my only solution to not getting pinged or buzzed constantly during the night.

 

[sunkacola]

@Harpy , I thought about doing that. But decided against it for 2 reasons:
First, I would forget! I am so completely fatigued by the time I go to bed that I know I would forget to do it, and/or forget to undo it in the morning.
And second, I don't think that's a reasonable solution for me because to me the main point is that this person couldn't be bothered to remember not to wake me up, which seems like a pretty simple thing to remember.

I go to bed earlier than most people do. I have told everyone I know not to text or call past a certain hour, and not *one* *single* *person* other than that ex-friend of mine has ever, even once, forgotten and woken me up. Not even people I have only just met. To me, that is very strongly indicative of who gives a darn and who does not, who thinks of others as opposed to thinking only of themselves.

I leave my phone on and by my bed so that if I need it in the night it is there. My one good friend lives nearby, and cannot drive after dark. She is older than I am, and if she had any kind of emergency at night and she or her dog needed to go somewhere, I am the one she would call, and I have to....and want to.... be available to drive her. I would do anything for this friend.

I am glad that solution works for you, but I also think your friend is inconsiderate to you, just as mine was to me.
Thank you for your reply; your support means so much to me.

 

[Harpy]

Your welcome,

@Harpy , I thought about doing that. But decided against it for 2 reasons:
First, I would forget! I am so completely fatigued by the time I go to bed that I know I would forget to do it, and/or forget to undo it in the morning.
And second, I don't think that's a reasonable solution for me because to me the main point is that this person couldn't be bothered to remember not to wake me up, which seems like a pretty simple thing to remember.

i kept forgetting too, so where i place my phone at night i left a note under it to remind myself to unblock her in the morning.
She has asked me why I didn’t reply ? I told her I put phone on silent when I go to bed.

To me, that is very strongly indicative of who gives a darn and who does not, who thinks of others as opposed to thinking only of themselves.

This is so very true.

I leave my phone on and by my bed so that if I need it in the night it is there. My one good friend lives nearby, and cannot drive after dark. She is older than I am, and if she had any kind of emergency at night and she or her dog needed to go somewhere, I am the one she would call, and I have to....and want to.... be available to drive her. I would do anything for this friend.

This is why I must leave my phone on for my mom.
Some times after I finish with my phone at night I just place it by my pillow as I also use it as light if I need to get up during the night.
Then when I wake up in the morning there’s that note .

I am glad that solution works for you, but I also think your friend is inconsiderate to you, just as mine was to me.
Thank you for your reply; your support means so much to me.

She is very inconsiderate. She only lives 200km away and lives alone. I have known her for 55yr. I am one of her very few friends. My kids tell me to block her permanently, I know she has a lot of mental health issues so I won’t do it permanently.
No thank, you your support on this forum is very helpful.

 

[Auriel]

I'm going to do something I basically never do...........vent.
I hope you all don't mind.
There's a person I had a friendship with for 25 years. For the past 21 years we've lived in separate states and not seen each other, kept in touch regularly through email and phone calls. The past couple of years, most of our communication has been texts, with occasional phone calls.

What happened is the person started sending me texts late at night. I take medication that helps me sleep, but I am a chronic insomniac and if something wakes me up in the night I often cannot get back to sleep for hours, or at all. As anyone with fibromyalgia knows, if you don't get enough sleep your pain is almost always worse the next day, and of course that's on top of the fatigue and general not-good feeling any one has the day following a very bad night of little to no sleep. Sometimes it can have a ripple effect and negatively affect the next couple of days as well.

I explained all of this very carefully and politely to the person, and asked them never to text me past a certain hour, making sure I took into account the time difference between us of one hour. I explained all of it in a text, so there'd be a record of this they could read again if in doubt about the time. I also explained that I cannot turn the phone off or leave it in another room at night because if there's any kind of emergency at night I need it close to me and available immediately.

Well, they texted me late at night again. And again. And again. And again. Each time they did, I would (politely) ask them again not to, and explain all over again why. Each time they'd say basically " oops, sorry" and I would basically say, OK, please just don't do this again, and let it go. Then a couple months or so would go by and they'd do it again.

Finally, the last time it happened, ( this is the 7th or 8th time since I first explained to them why this is so important to me), I got angry. I sent a text saying that I had already told them over and over why I needed for them not to do that, and that at this point all I can think is that they just don't care enough to bother to remember. It was not nasty...I didn't call any names or say anything bad about the person, just that apparently they didn't care. And their response was to kick our whole relationship -- a 25 year warm and close friendship -- to the curb and say that our communication was finished. I feel as though they threw me out like garbage. This hit me like a kick in the chest. I felt despondent. I texted back to say, basically....why would you do this? You are ending our whole 25 year friendship over this? And all they did was text back to say, "you hurt my feelings". It's actually incomprehensible to me.

I am still upset about it. But I am a person who never wants to be anywhere I am not wanted. That person will never hear from me again. I also am thinking that despite that person having said many times to me that they cared about me, the friendship apparently didn't mean as much to them as it meant to me, because I wouldn't have ever ended it.

I feel very badly treated, and I know I did nothing to deserve such treatment. That person hurt me over and over by waking me up and I always just immediately let it go and went on. To be completely honest, this is not the only thing .....they kept saying something after I told them over and over that it hurt my feelings when they did it.....although they did finally stop doing it (after a few years of being asked). I keep feeling that I do not deserve this. And I also know that I am probably better off without this person in my life. But it's very painful. I have very few people in my life, so each one is important. I have no one with whom I can talk about this, but probably talking about it wouldn't help anyway. Gone is gone. I was already in a pretty bad depression, and this has made it a lot worse. But I will survive.
I guess the only reason I am writing this is to see if anyone here might have words of support for me.

This is really sad (I find it quite depressing when people have not accepted my boundaries) does this person have memory issues? I've lost a few friendships over the years (some of those now I can see that I'm better off away from them) I've found that losses leave a gap (sometimes for new and better) you're a strong lady sunkacola, and if this friendship can't be mended I know you'll eventually be ok (it's the most heartbreaking and challenging times that gives us more resilience) but you'll be ok i know it

 

[sunkacola]

This is really sad (I find it quite depressing when people have not accepted my boundaries) does this person have memory issues? I've lost a few friendships over the years (some of those now I can see that I'm better off away from them) I've found that losses leave a gap (sometimes for new and better) you're a strong lady sunkacola, and if this friendship can't be mended I know you'll eventually be ok (it's the most heartbreaking and challenging times that gives us more resilience) but you'll be ok i know it

Thanks, Auriel. Yes, I will be OK. In fact, I already feel better about it than I did a few days ago, and all of the wonderful support I have received from folks here has helped a great deal.

No, that person doesn't have any memory issues....in fact, said not too long ago to me something to the effect that although they had this other health issue, "at least I don't have any problems with my memory!". No, it was just not caring enough to be considerate. And yes, sometimes when there's a gap or a hole left by something lost, something else comes along to fill it. And if nothing does, then I will still be fine.
Thanks for your kind words. ♥