Living Is Hell

[Tyger]

Hi

So i had a fall at the start of january this year, and begin to get symptoms within the first month. By April i had a tentative diagnosis of fibromyalgia. My doctors horrible, and just keeps upping my meds.

I feel irrational and angry most of the time. It seems like no one is listening to me, no one understands what im going through.

My partner accuses me of being negative and of constantly talking about my illness, to which i have started to make an effort not to talk about it. However i feel hes taking it to extremes - i did a supermarket shop today (literally pushing my boundaries there - supermarket shops are hell or nigh impossible) and cried in the car and as i was unpacking food because i was in so much pain. My partner came downstairs and instantly he's angry at me, because im upset. He didnt want me anywhere near me for an hour, until he went out, as i was making him angry by crying all the time. (He is ill too at the moment, with some sort of bowel disorder.)

I just feel like everyones making me feel like a pariah. No matter what i tell myself i know my old life is gone (oh apparently thats too negative too) and i need to move on, learning my body and what i can do. Its just hard, because what i can do does not feel like that much. Plus if i talk about this to my partner or my family im told that im being too negative and should think positive.

How is deluding myself into thinking that im going to get better, going to help at all?

Im terrified. Also going through PTSD - the fibromyalgia finally caused me to seek therapy after my mum abused me (verbally/psychologically/physically - violent not sexual) for the first 18 years of my life.

I just want it all to end.

All of the pain, the fricking fibro fog, the fricking sensitivity to touch, to the extent it hurts, i just want it all to stop. I cant even eat at the moment, i have too much nausea from pain and it feels like my throat is closing when i try to eat.

I want this pain from those horrible memories to stop. I dream of my mother dying so that i am free from the legacy of her abuse and the constant fear that she will try to contact me and pick up where she left off. (Havent spoken to her in 5/6 years.) I want the ache in my chest, the pain i feel from my childhood, just to stop.

I dont want to die, but the thought of living like this forever is unbearable. Seriously. I dont think i can do it. Im not living anymore, im living a half life.

I have always hated being sick, having to ask for help. And now i have to deal with this everyday for the rest of my life?

Today it all got so much, to the extent that i really wanted to cut myself. I have never self harmed, yet all i could picture was that knife, and how nice it would be to cut myself. To be in control of the pain somehow.

I didnt do it. But i dont know how much longer i can force myself to keep going.

I just want to it all to stop. And i know it never will.

Everything feel so hopeless.

Sorry if this post is a massive downer, i just had to get it out somehow.

 

[diamond]

Its fine you need to get that all out .....I feel for you..truly i know how you feel....please don't give up.....try to pace what you do...insist on help with the tasks that make the pain too much or find alternatives like on line shopping.

Look after yourself now as much as possible...and in time try and educate your partner and family about what you are experiencing.

Send them here or find info on line about what you are dealing with...print it and say you need them to support you ...if they can't is there a support group near you or your hospital pain clinic might know of one.

It's nigh impossible to be positive at the beginning or until you have an improvement in pain.

TRY and see a rheumatologist or get to a pain clinic who may offer alternative treatments to just pain killers.

I had a more limited but ok life with fibro with doing things little and often..but that light mean 20 minutes then rest then a bit more.

You need to practice a new way of living and i wish you luck in finding a away to cope... take care

 

[CrazyCatLady]

What's that saying about the door and window...?


I know what you mean about not wanting to be here.
I've wanted for a long time not to exist but you keep finding things to live for and things to enjoy.

I would suggest maybe looking into art therapy?
It doesn't even have to be with a therapist-- you can just buy canvas and paint at the dollar store and painting something once a week; or doing something else that you might be interested in.
Reading? Just sitting down to watch a movie or take a long bath?


This all sucks and I think most of us know what you mean.
I was telling my mom the other day that it's impossible for me to effectively communicate how much pain I'm in. A pain scale is a start but even then, it's in no way accurate at all.
So, I related the pain I was in to something we had both done. Getting a tattoo over a sensitive area.
I told her that if my tattoo were a 3 (which for ME; is was. For HER, however; it was more like an 8) then the pain I was feeling when we walked into that store and she forced me to stand and wait for her for 40 minutes-- was a 7 out of 10. From 3.
She kind of understood, then. A little, at least.

 

[tayothebus]

Tyger, I'm going to bed in a minute or so but I wanted to reply to you because I've been through similar things and you need to know that your partner is most likely an abuser:

My partner came downstairs and instantly he's angry at me, because im upset. He didnt want me anywhere near me for an hour, until he went out, as i was making him angry by crying all the time.

^^^^^ That behavior is not normal. No one gets pissed off because somebody else is ill, let alone a loved one. This person is toxic and it would do wonders to your health, at least your emotional health to do away with them. I know how hard that is because I've been there. If you need to talk feel free to PM me.

I think you will find life much more palatable when you find a partner in life who is supportive and mentally stable.

When I read the part where you talk about having been abused as a child it broke my heart but it also came as no surprise. Those of us who have been abused as children are much more likely to end up with an abusive person as adults. It's what we know, it's what we are familiar with. But it's not healthy. Please talk to a social worker, tell them about his attitude toward your illness and see what they say.

On the meantime please take care of yourself
Hugs

 

[Forgetmenot]

I agree with upper post,my other half can't deal with me being ill.he gets pd off. We dont live together anymore,
Find a new dr.pls I beg u .find one who does give a shit.they are,out there.
How old are u?.Are u living with this guy because u have nowhere else to go?.this illness is a Beast ,don't make it worse by living with one,xxxx

 

[Tyger]

Thank you all for your support. Im feeling a lot more positive now, and am not in as much pain as yesterday (thank god.)

Im sorry if my partner came across as abusive, he is anything but. We are both very sick and struggling through it together; his stomach and insteine are inflammed and bleedinf and have been for 10 months now. Doctors cannot tell us why and although gluten free foods have helped, he is still in agony. And yesterday when i got upset, it was right before he had to leave for another test at the hospital.


Because of my abusive past i also find it really hard to read people - numerous other people have confirmed this - and while i though he was angry, after his appointment when i dpoke to him, he told me he was just upset, because hes worried about me and doesnt want me feeling that bad. (His mum and other family members have previously been suicidal.)

All this means that for both of us, this is a really difficult and trying time and fibromyalgia doesnt make this any easier.

I have doctors tomorrow and my dads going to go with me and try and help me talk to the doctor and get me the help i need. Hopefully i will be able to report a success tomorrow.

 

[Tyger]

By the way, i like with my dad, sister and boyfriend. Im 23 and honestly hes not abusive, my dad would never tolerate that haha. Its not a big house either.