New member. How do you deal with?

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Aw, gentlylead, just those 2 sentences made me soooo sad, when vows are made, (the regular ones) AND it should be an emotional one too, that each other is supported through the worse times and having fibro (or any chronic/debilitating condition) is one of those worse times in a partnership , as long as one of the partners isn't making thd other feel bad for having the debilitation the condition causes then there's no reason to feel guilt (it's not an intentional thing) you/we have a disability that we can't help and we don't want, I can't stop you feeling a certain way, but I can only try to get you to see that it's not your fault (I'm sure you'll get more replies from others that have felt/feel the same way as you, but welcome to the forum, 🤗 ☕🥞, I hope you find some comfort, support and connectivity with us 🩷🍫🩷
 
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Hi gentlylead, and welcome to the forum.

One thing that could help is to remember that this is not your fault, and therefore nothing for which to feel guilt. Of course, that is logic, and often logic doesn't change emotion. So maybe if you sit down with your spouse and have a heart to heart about it, they will be able to help you not to feel guilty. And, maybe together you can come up with things that you are able to do that will make up for it in some way that will allow you to feel better. Not all contributions to a partnership are physical.
 
How do you deal with guilt for not being able to carry an equal load in your marriage?
Expanding on the good ideas given...:

Guilt... vs. guilty feelings....
isn't easy to sort out. It's an unreliable feeling - we often feel it in the wrong places. As we are human, we do do things wrong. That's what makes it hard to "know" if we are guilty in a certain respect or not. But our judgement about that is usually wonky. That applies to both sides, the partner too. Even if it appears they are carrying more of "the load". That isn't necessarily true.

So best first to clarify if/where there is "guilt" and where there are "guilty feelings". That's best done by talking to someone less partial, like a counsellor. Altho we ourselves (am I being fair to myself - the child in me - by judging myself), partners and friends can help quite a bit too, if they are understanding plus impartial.

And what is this "load"?
It's something we develop with our partners, so is open to debate with them & others.
And what is "equal"?
No one is equal, we're all different, and what we manage to do depends on condition, again something open to debate - in the case of fibro possibly education is necessary to help us determine what our condition actually is. Because it is invisible (like other conditions too), we and others overestimate how equal we are.

And: If the 'guilt' is seeming to appear because someone is making us feel guilty:
Making someone feel guilty is generally not constructive, because it robs that someone of the power to see and change if necessary. So it's much more helpful to ask for and be asked for things that we are able to do in a nice way. And give us the power to be able to do it by developing baby steps, helping us discover the resources we have.
Not all contributions to a partnership are physical.
Yep - that sentence opens up 100s of personal possibilities..... 👐 These will need to be discovered and developed. Personally I believe in my partnership and in all partnerships, learning to be happy, content, at peace with myself and others, despite all trials and tribulations is the biggest contribution possible, from which all others can flow. And to get this positive mindset we may need help of various kinds - talking & reading.
 
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