No, I DONT want to be pregnant

kait0220

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30F, diagnosised in 2020, but unable to find any effective treatments. Constant pain, terrible fatigue. Just walking my dogs for 20 min is taxing. Washing dishes, painful. Laundry, painful. Hobbies, gone. I especially have chronic hand pain that makes it difficult to even hold a pen for a few minutes.

Now, my partner and I have been together for 7 years. We delayed engagement and marriage to buy a house, get a new car, pay off debts. Its just not a priority to get married right now. There's no issue of commitment. That doesn't stop the constant "when are you getting married" "what about kids" comments. I explain it the same way. Every. Time. Weddings are expensive. Its important to him to have a ceremony with his family, so a courthouse elope is out of the question. And i don't care. If y'all want to pay for it, I'll start planning!!


Now, kids. Oh my freaking gosh. I want to be a mom. I think I'd be a great mom. BUT kids are a lot of physical work. Being PREGNANT is A LOT. I've made it clear to my bf and my family that I do not want to be pregnant. I felt this way before my fibro and its even stronger now. I don't care if someone thinks its magical. To me, it sounds horrible. Painful. Miserable. I want to adopt. I think adoption is wonderful. Why can't my family understand that with a debilitating chronic condition that being pregnant, giving birth, raising a new born would be too much for me!? Its my decision anyway!! Back off! My sister even tried to pull the whole "adopted kids have problems, its expensive, you won't love them the same" BS which I shut down but she persists. My mom acts like she's fine one day but then not cool with it the next. Y'all. Why can't anyone understand or just accept my choice? They even get my bf to question my decision because he then says he wants "his genes" to pass on. I said we can have a surrogate and he can be on newborn duty. I get that motherhood is a sacrifice but I'm not ready to make that sacrifice. Any ladies having a similar problem? Or gents that know that being a new father would be too taxing on you right now?

"My ClOcK iS tIcKiNg!!!"
 

sunkacola

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I sympathize with your situation although I have never been in that situation myself.
Only thing I can say to you is this: You do not have to explain yourself every single time someone questions you about this, especially if you have already done so more than once. Don't waste your energy doing it again and again. Just say that you've already answered that question and the subject is now closed. If they want to talk about something else, fine. If they want to badger you or demand that you answer the same questions again and again, let them know that they will be talking to air because you are now walking away.

It is not your problem if they choose not to understand. And it is not your duty to keep trying to make them understand. Let them just not understand, but don't let them brow-beat you on the subject. They have no right to do that.
 

kait0220

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Thank you for that! I do feel like I need to constantly defend my choice. Its so frustrating to have your feelings belittled and ignored. I guess it's harder when it's your own family because you want them to understand. But I like the "I've already answered that" approach. Concise, clear and shuts down the attack.
 

sunkacola

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Everything is harder when it is your family!
But the truth is, you don't owe explanations or even replies, past the first time or two, to even your family. Unless someone has dementia, and therefore cannot remember what you said the last time, you don't need to spend your energy repeating yourself and it's completely unreasonable for them to keep badgering you.

You could also say, as I have done more than once: "You asked me that, and I answered you. My answer won't change, so if you don't like that answer maybe you should ask someone else". :giggle:
 

JayCS

Extremely helpful member
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Sep 5, 2020
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Any ladies having a similar problem? Or gents that know that being a new father would be too taxing on you right now? "My ClOcK iS tIcKiNg!!!"
I know enough ladies (and gents) without fibro that do not feel like (I won't even say 'up to') the stress of kids and marrying.
My fibro held even one 1-3h/wk meeting with grandchildren in check, now with added MCAS even that's hard.
My sister even tried to pull the whole "adopted kids have problems, its expensive, you won't love them the same" BS
Quick and slow answer on that would seem to be: "OK, no kids." Dog, dishes, laundry. and 0 hobbies? 1 kid is 10 hobbies!
 

Auriel

Very helpful member
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Jun 8, 2021
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575
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DX FIBRO
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Hi Kait, 1st welcome to the forum ☕🍪 having fibro makes everything that much harder to do (I also find washing dishes painful)+ 2nd if your family want you to have a baby so much maybe ask them if they want to be a surrogate and have shared access (that was a joke btw) they don’t understand either cos they don’t want to or because they don’t live in your body have the same pain/fatigue and struggles with just about everything that you do, they just don’t get it (they never will) unless they develope it themselves, spend less time with them if they’re pressurising, set a boundary that you won’t speak about it again (and it’s between you and your partner anyway) 🧡🧚🏻‍♀️🧡
 
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