Parental Guilt

[Scrappin4Spoons]

Hi everyone,

My son is 16, a junior in high school and section leader in the marching band drumline. Friday night football games are big nights here in the fall in the US!

Up until last spring. My fibromyalgia and whatever else is going on, coupled with my back problems have worsened, making sitting for long, especially on stands painful.

Here in South Florida, the heat has been consistently over 90°F and most of the time, not breezy and very humid. Needless to say, I haven't been attending these games to support my son like I should and I feel like trash because of it.

I don't have medication I can take to take the edge off so I can get through the game because doctors are scared to death to lose their licenses here, and I have to be careful with ibuprofen and such due to some lab issues I don't want to add to.

Parents, anyone have to deal with this? If not, how do you get through the game time without having to leave after an hour? My son's high school years are almost done...I feel like I'm missing everything

Thanks.

 

[BlueBells]

Hi @Scrappin4Spoons

You have, I daresay, already tried various types of cushioning on the seats? I don't really have any other suggestions, honestly.

It might come down to you and your son having a talk and both of you simply having to accept that you are physically incapable of attending the games.

That does not mean you are not supporting him, you will be there in spirit, but just unable to be there in person. You would not want to push yourself to the point you begin to resent going. Although he may be disappointed that you cannot attend, it would be hoped he can understand it is simply a fact of your life that you have been dealt this affliction, and that is the way it is.

I hope others can offer more productive suggestions. Hugs

 

[Scrappin4Spoons]

Hi @BlueBells

I have very nice padded seats - they even have arms, pockets and a CUPHOLDER! It hooks onto the bench and makes the surrounding people roll their eyes

I'm getting to that point where I feel I'll have to have that gut wrenching talk with him. What makes the timing of this rough is I had a really good day Thursday. I could've gone to that game with no problem. Then the next day fire and nails in my hips. Even though I took it easy.

Thank you

 

[SBee]

First @Scrappin4Spoons you have a 16 year old?? Thats a cracking photo of you seeing as you barely look 16 yourself!
This is a hard thing you face. I suffer with some guilt knowing those closest to me have to take up the slack as I am not capable of even basic tasks some days. And then of course the chronic fatigue and pain means having to cancel some plans at short notice, or as is often the case not even making any plans as stuff we used to be able to do are so out of reach now. Fibromyalgia is so unpredictable it wont allow us to follow a football timetable or ' let ' us have a good day when the suns shining.

@BlueBells makes a good point in speaking honestly with your boy. Only thing I can suggest is ( if you can bear to leave your fabulous chair/throne ) and take an aisle seat, would that help you being able to stand on steps to gently move or stretch a little? I often find myself doing hip\leg stretches in public to ease some stiffness. I no longer give a toss if others think i t looks weird, any small temporary relief is worth it

 

[Scrappin4Spoons]

you have a 16 year old?? Thats a cracking photo of you seeing as you barely look 16 yourself!

@SBee oh stop I should get an an updated photo taken, as that one is about 7 years old and I'm 44 now Thank you!

You have some good suggestions! I tend to avoid standing a lot since after awhile I develop spasming between my shoulder blades down to my low back around my ribs. But a quick walk about can't hurt.

It appears last night was probably a good thing I didn't go, it was so hot, the family left after half time! That never happens.... they really like heat and humidity....

 

[sunkacola]

I don't suppose this would help you, since the problem is that there are stands where you sit to watch games. But, I carry a folding chair, one of those outdoor fabric and metal ones, with me everywhere. It lives in my car. If I go someplace that has uncomfortable seats (which mostly they all are), or a place where there's no seat with a back rest (which is absolutely necessary for me), or if I find myself somewhere where I am expected to stand for a long time (for me long time means more than 10 minutes....and that's a stretch....unless I want some pretty serious pain to start up), then I haul out my chair, set it up, and use that.

I have stopped caring whether anyone looks at me funny or not. If they do, it's about them, not about me.

So, I wonder...IF there even is a folding chair that would be comfortable for you, is there any way you could use one? I know it wouldn't go in the stands, but is there any place where it could? Even if you didn't have a great view of the game, you'd at least be there.

And........well, 16 is old enough to understand if you have that talk with him.
And...........please work on not feeling bad about this. Remember that you would absolutely be there with bells on every time if you physically could do it. Showing your son your loyalty and support can come in many forms. Maybe there are other ways you can show that to him.

 

[Scrappin4Spoons]

IF there even is a folding chair that would be comfortable for you, is there any way you could use one? I

@sunkacola I do have a folding chair, I just have to look at our stadium rules as they are pretty strict on what can be carried in and as I have mentioned before, I have a pretty darn nice stadium seat that I bring, but on high pain days that's a no-go....so thank you for the folding chair idea, I'll check

I will have a talk with him about how he feels and what I'm going through - we are all pretty open and he's pretty understanding.

It IS very difficult to not feel bad about it though - he's my only kid and he's got one more year left of school.
I really appreciate your suggestions - thank you.

 

[30 plus years]

Bluebells said it best. "May just have to accept you're incapable of attending..." Words I need to pound down in my head. This is the hardest thing. We want so bad to be able to do the things that mean so much to us.

 

[sunkacola]

@Scrappin4Spoons I have found that when I explain in a friendly and sort of humble manner to people that I have a chronic pain condition (which is what I usually say), and that I am disabled and need the chair and to sit down, they will bend or relent the rules for me. After all, if you were in a wheelchair they would have to accommodate that! You could even point out to them (I have done this) that the chair takes up less space and requires less accommodation than a wheelchair would, and is just as important for you as that would be for someone who needs that.

 

[Scrappin4Spoons]

@sunkacola that is a great idea! Thank you for the suggestion

 

[Scrappin4Spoons]

Bluebells said it best. "May just have to accept you're incapable of attending..." Words I need to pound down in my head. This is the hardest thing. We want so bad to be able to do the things that mean so much to us.

@30 plus years I suppose I'm still grieving who I used to be... and it's not easy when a huge part of my personality is stubbornness

 

[SarieLarie]

@Scrappin4Spoons I went through this at times when my kids were in school too. It is a tough spot to be in, I picked times when I thought I could make it through and other times I just couldn't attend. I chatted them up when they got home or the next day just to let them know I support them and am interested in everything they do.

I think everyone gave great suggestions. I think another idea is to have someone record the events and maybe you can watch the video the next day, or maybe even watch it together. That way you can recap with him and let him know how much you truly enjoy seeing him do his thing. It would also.give you both a chance to spend some one on one time and catch up.

 

[Scrappin4Spoons]

@SarieLarie wonderful suggestions - I always make sure to stay up to greet him when he comes home so we can chat about his night.

I suppose I've already been doing a lot of things that have been suggested, I just haven't realized it!

 

[Badger]

@Scrappin4Spoons it's great to hear that your son is part of a drum line, it should prove to be a great grounding in drum rudiments, fair play to you for trying your best to be present with him. Atb