Pity party with a dash of anger

FeistyButTired

New member
Joined
Oct 12, 2020
Messages
3
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
11/2015
Country
US
State
NC
Hi all. This is my first post, but I’ve been lurking around for a few weeks, trying to decide if it would be a good source of support. I’m thrilled to see so many people reaching out to each other. 🥰

I hope this post isn’t too long and doesn’t come off as whining, but I’m frustrated and sad, and this is the only place I feel like I can share this without being shamed. I’ve been in a flare of my fibromyalgia and ME/CFS off and on for a few months now, along with more panic attacks than usual. My husband, who is usually very loving and understanding about my limitations, has been getting more and more impatient with me as days pass and I’m not out of the flare. It’s not so much his irritation with having to take care of all the chores that is upsetting me (Although I feel really guilt about it), it’s that he’s starting to rush me with everything. He knows that fibro and severe arthritis cause me to walk slow, but he gets low-key huffy when I keep falling behind his pace. Worst of all, he’s started interrupting me to finish my thought for me and quickly answer, to end the conversation. I’ve tried to talk to him about it since it all started, but he just denies that he’s annoyed or in a rush, and tells me I’m just imagining it. I‘m a very intuitive person so I’m very good at sensing other people’s emotions and moods, but also I’ve know him for more than 35 years! I mean, really...I probably know him better than he knows himself, but I’m “misreading his messages”?! No way! I KNOW I’m not imagining things (Seemingly the favorite accusation of healthy people, when faced with the chronically ill), and the rushing me to finish whatever I’m saying is pretty darn hard to misunderstand.
I‘ve done all I can to try to explain what’s happening in my head, that makes me speak slowly and have trouble finding the words, but I don’t think it’s getting through to him. I guess what I’m trying to get out is that I’m frustrated. With his behavior, of course, but also I’m frustrated with myself. It’s maddening when the words just won’t come to me, or my mouth can’t form them. I’m tired of being bedridden and unable to leave the house. But somehow I’m more bothered by the fact that my symptoms are making him uncomfortable or annoyed or whatever. I’m torn between “try to get him to understand“ and “ Just shut up and leave him alone”.
So...I’m sad, mad, slow, achy, annoyed, lonely, and a little bit bitey. *Sort of the evil Seven Dwarves* 🤷🏼‍♀️
Here’s hoping for better days ahead...
 

sunkacola

Very helpful member
Joined
Dec 2, 2016
Messages
1,060
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
00/0000
Country
Uni
State
Somewhere
Hi Feisty......I can understand what you are saying, and can relate to what it is like to have a partner who gives you a hard time when what you need is support. I have a suggestion. Take or leave, as you wish, of course.

You say you are torn between two approaches. But there are other ways to handle this and I encourage you to explore this.

I think your husband is never going to respond to your telling him what he is feeling. Most people, including myself, get defensive and annoyed if another person tries to tell us what we are feeling. No matter how well you know another person, or what your instincts tell you, no matter what you think their behavior says, you never truly know what another person is feeling unless they tell you.

It clearly is not getting you anywhere to keep telling your husband that you can tell he is feeling X or Z. So a different approach is needed. Abandon completely any attempt to tell him what he's feeling or what he means when he says something. Instead, focus on your own feelings and approach it by telling him how YOU feel when he does X or Y, making sure that you let him know that you are not saying that he is trying to make you feel that way, or that he means it in that way. Make sure he knows you are only talking about your feelings, and not interpreting what he is doing or saying. The only thing you can know for sure is how you yourself are feeling, so let him know that, but make sure it is not in an accusatory fashion, because that will only put him on the defensive again.

Ask him if he would, as a favor to you, stop finishing your sentences, because you end up feeling ___________ when he does that, even though you know he's not trying to make you feel that way. Ask him, very nicely, if he could avoid trying to rush you when you cannot move or talk very fast, because you end up feeling _________ when he does that, and you know he doesn't want you to feel that way.

This takes responsibility for your own feelings rather than putting blame on him (which is not necessarily what you are doing, but may be what he is feeling) and leaves him with the opportunity to tell you what he is feeling, if he wants to. Maybe you can even offer something in return. If he could try his best to change these things that are very hard for you, you will do your best not to _______ which annoys him.

I have had to end a relationship because another person insisted that they knew what I meant when I said X, or what I was feeling when I did Y. This person was always misinterpreting me, but called me a liar when I would not "admit" that I had felt a way I did not feel. It was one of the most horrifyingly frustrating things I have ever experienced. In your case, you may be interpreting him accurately, or not, but even if you are, this is clearly not an approach that will be productive for you or your marriage.
 

FeistyButTired

New member
Joined
Oct 12, 2020
Messages
3
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
11/2015
Country
US
State
NC
We had that very conversation just about an hour ago. I’d always told him about my feelings, and never tried to tell him his feelings, but this time I phrased it a little differently and I really think he finally heard me. We’ve done marriage counseling in the past so we’re both very careful with our words, but he has adhd so he has his own set of troubles that can be a hurdle. He admitted he was feeling so defensive about me asking him to please stop rushing me that he never really digested that I was trying to share how it made me feel. Fingers crossed that things will get better in that respect because I can’t seem to shake this flare...
 

sunkacola

Very helpful member
Joined
Dec 2, 2016
Messages
1,060
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
00/0000
Country
Uni
State
Somewhere
Glad to hear this. I wish you the best of luck.
The reason that I think it sounded as if you were telling him his feelings was that you said this:

" he just denies that he’s annoyed or in a rush, and tells me I’m just imagining it. I‘m a very intuitive person so I’m very good at sensing other people’s emotions and moods, but also I’ve know him for more than 35 years! I mean, really...I probably know him better than he knows himself, but I’m “misreading his messages”?! No way! I KNOW I’m not imagining things (Seemingly the favorite accusation of healthy people, when faced with the chronically ill),"

If he is saying that you are misreading his messages, perhaps you are. Maybe you are not. But it is clear from what you say here that he was feeling as though you were telling him what he is feeling or thinking. The person I had to cut out of my life said the same thing to me" "I am very intuitive and I KNOW I am not imagining it!" But the truth is, that person was misinterpreting me every single time they said that. Every time. And when I tried to explain what I really meant they wouldn't listen to me.
It is possible that he is not actually annoyed. Or in a rush. He may be feeling something else entirely and be afraid to tell you, or thinks you won't believe him since you are so sure you already know.

Just sayin'. You might want to give this a little thought. Pleas take this the right way and not as criticism. Just a word from someone who has been on the other side of this dynamic.
 

FeistyButTired

New member
Joined
Oct 12, 2020
Messages
3
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
11/2015
Country
US
State
NC
I have to say, it really looks and feels like criticism. That’s a big reason why I hesitated to even post. I just needed to get my feelings off my chest without it creating a situation where I was ultimately shamed for having them at all.
I think I’m better off just keeping it all to myself, like I have been. Best of luck to everyone. I’m out
 

NahSG

New member
Joined
Feb 10, 2021
Messages
9
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
08/2003
Country
US
State
UT
Sometimes we just need to vent or re-read how we feel in print to understand the picture better ourselves.
Sometimes we don't need a fix it answer.
Sometimes we just need someone too say, "I'm sorry you feel that way" or just know you've been heard.
It's better out than in where it builds and builds and usually comes out worse than it started as.
Don't hold back how you feel but you also don't need to read every response that is written to your plea to be heard.
 
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