Seeking support

[MissSpunky]

I have been living in a tight knit community for almost four years. The fact that I feel so desperate right now for support and am turning to the internet angers me. I wish there was a better undertanding of chronic illnesses out there. People have no freakn clue. It is so hard.
I am sick of being told that I just need to go to therapy, see a better psychiatrist, it is my anxiety and so forth. As much as I beleive in taking a psycological theraputic path to healing my physical illness there is something so invalidating in hearing it so constantly.

I feel like I am having a meltdown. I have been pulling my hair from my head. I am at my last nerve. I don't evenn want to cry anymore because it brings an ashthma attack snd sometimes I am too weak to inhale my medicine properly so I have to use my inhaler like 5 times until I actually find the strenth to inhale it so I can breathe again. And then pass out depending on how weak I was and how much effort I was using to inhale...

And of course this is just one of the many things.

I called an ambulance last night because I couldn't breathe and my inhaler wasn't doing much. Of course I have trouble breathing all the time when the pain exelerates. The pain is bad so I am constantly panting (really I try not to pant so I won't seem like a thirsty dog!:shock
Anyways the emt guy tells me that I don't look like I am having trouble breathing...

Usually I wouldn't pay much mind, I find these comments to come from uneducated people and their lack of education does not reflect on my truthfullness yet their ignorance. But last night the comment hurt. I have been getting it a lot lately.

The pain, the illnesses are getting to me. It has gotten to a point where "Death seems like the brighter option" (me). I am not saying that I am contemplating suicide, just that life is so bad right now that death seems like an amazing option. All my dreams have been shattered with this harsh reality. I want to get my BA, but not like this.

It has all been catching up with me and I feel like I am at my last thread. I am so desperate for support and reliefe at this point that I would do almost anything to get it. And that is saying a lot.

I wrote this poem last night

Why do I feel so alone
Among a world filled with people?
Why am I scared to utter
My vulnerability
When my rights have been stripped from myself?
To see ignorant minds
Is a blow of a harsh reality to my fragile heart.
My being is a stranger to thyself
And a pathological liar to the uneducated.
Doctors stream in and out of my life.
They touch my body, mess with my heart, and erupt a volcano of frustration inside this already fragile body of mine.

 

[1sweed]

MissSpunky,
Welcome to the forum. We understand totally how you feel. I never had trouble with the EMT workers, they always felt I needed to go to the hospital, but I dealt with uncaring and rude doctors at the hospital. I even had a nurse once tell me to stop coming in and wasting their time. I got so mad about the way I was treated that the next time I had a asthma attack I stayed home and layed on the floor on my stomach for a whole day because it was the only way I could breathe. So yes, I get it.

There are so many of us with fibro now it would seem that doctors would be more willing to help instead of loading us down and throwing the old mentally off issue in our faces. But I hear so many stories of how people are being treated that I fully distrust most doctors anymore.
Anyways, please don't give up and yes, we are here as your fibro friends, but also to provide some support and understanding, and to let you know your not alone. Please come often and join in on answering questions and just making yourself at home.

 

[nascarmike]

Hi, I think most of us have thought about ending life but manage to find a reason to hang in. I'm not really sure what to say other than you can vent to us and try to focus on any bright spot in your life. Definitly had my share of a**hole dr.s. Good luck.

 

[Loftpat]

Hang in there. You have more companions on your journey than you know. Remember that God 101 is an introductory MD course for some physicians and ER docs as a rule do not like dealing with chronic illness. I feel blessed whenever I encounter one who understands.

 

[l3itch]

As odd as it is I really appreciate the 'venting' posts on this forum. I can totally relate. This is all new to me and I have zero support other than those on this forum and one doctor that 'tries' - it's absurd. Every day is getting harder and more painful and all I can do is cry, which is making it worse. I've been crying for 3 days straight and I just can't seem to get it together. I'm starting to wonder how bad this is really going to get.

I guess what I'm saying, in a strange way, is that you're not alone. Don't let the idiots in the world make you feel that way.

 

[links56]

I know exactly how you are feeling! I don't want to die but it seems so peaceful, the thought of not having to deal with this pain all the time. The doctors won't help me and if you keep changing doctors it looks bad, blah blah blah. Also no one believes you sometimes you get the most ridicule from those closest to you. They just don't understand. I don't know how to make it better, but I can tell you that you are not alone! I hope things go better for you, hang in there.

 

[MissSpunky]

Hang in there. You have more companions on your journey than you know. Remember that God 101 is an introductory MD course for some physicians and ER docs as a rule do not like dealing with chronic illness. I feel blessed whenever I encounter one who understands.

Thanks. That was well said and definitively speaks to me.

And thank you everyone else. I came online for a spark of support for the day. All I want to do is crawl back into bed and close my eyes to the world. I will have a wonderful day. I will make sure of that, no matter how sick I am today it will be a wonderful day.

 

[Plexmekay]

I wissh I could give you a hug I too noticed the lack of consideration medical personnel give, ad it seems that they could care less about PEOPLE. Any way you have a friend in me and I hope that things get better.