So useless

JukeGen

Member
Joined
Sep 26, 2021
Messages
27
I feel so down tonight. Literally just sitting in my living room crying my eyes out. I'm very ill atm but the doctors are taking ages between tests to figure out whats wrong. I have no strength, no energy and my mood is really low. My partner is away overnight for work, he left the kitchen in such a mess that it worsens my mood every time I have to go in there because I can't tidy it right now. He forgot to get something 'ready to eat' in that I could have for dinner since I can't cook anything right now so I'll probably have to have crisps for my dinner. His sister had to come and walk the dogs for me earlier. I'm late posting stuff I sold on ebay because I can't walk to the post office. I have no money of my own right now. I haven't showered today. I just feel so useless and unable to contact anyone I know to help me because I'm so embarrassed by how dependent I am on people right now and it sickens me. I have to drop out of college because of whatever is wrong with me had made me miss too much and there's no end in sight for being able to return. I feel so worthless and I just hate myself so much right now. I cant even do basic things on my own. I'm only 28. It's unbearable and I'm sure everyone thinks I'm exaggerating everything so I've been alienating myself because I hate myself so much as it is I can't see why anyone else would like me or want to be around me. I feel like my partner is trapped in this relationship because he'd feel too guilty to leave me but this is not what he signed up for. When we got together I was healthy and normal and now I'm just one disaster after another, I'm notbthe same person he fell in love with and there s nothing loveable about me now. I'm so fed up of holding everything inside all day every day. I'm fed up of being stuck in the house on my own all say every day. I'm fed up of being on my friends whenever they invite me to do stuff. I'm fed up of being so angry and bitter all the time. I'm just. So. Fed. Up. And most of all I'm tired. But I'm tired of sleeping. I'm tired of being permanently exhausted. I'm tired of pretending to be okay. I'm tired of hating myself. I'm tired of everything. I just don't know what to do anymore. I just want to Bury my head and hope it all goes away buy it never does. I hate being such a burden on the people in my life but I don't know how to stop it other than to not ask for help like tonight and just punish myself for being so bloody useless and incompetent because this has to be my fault. I don't know what I did to deserve my life being so awful but it must have been something bad and I keep dragging everyone down with me because I'm too weak to just take it on the chin like I used to. I'm pathetic. In a year I have gone from walking 5+ miles a day, working 30+ hours a week, having friends, having a social life, climbing munros, having a great relationship and so much potential for what my life could be because I had overcome so much already in my life to then getting ill last winter with whatever this is, getting diagnosed with fibro and CF, barely able to make it up and down the stairs, starting and dropping out of college, piling on almost 3 stone, unable to walk my dogs anymore, never seeing my friends, barely even speaking to them because I have nothing interesting to say anymore, burdening my partner, no job, no life. Nothing. I don't even know what this post is. It's just a rambling mess. I just needed to get it out of my head because this horrible vicious voice inside there is getting too much for me to bare. I'm sorry. Probably just messed this up too.
 

Auriel

Senior member
Joined
Jun 8, 2021
Messages
442
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
08/2006
Country
UK
State
UK
You didn’t mess this post up at all @JukeGen but it does sound like your on a downer and your self esteem is on the low, you may even be suffering from depression (not a qualified gp so I can’t diagnose) I know a lot of us on here suffer with self esteem issues and depression from what fibromyalgia (among other things?) has taken away from us so your not on your own in feeling this way, how your partner treats you is an indication of how they feel and if there’s any anger or resentment of being with you out of guilt it would show in ways, actions and words, if he is kind,caring and understanding then he’s a good one. I dont know how long you’ve been feeling this way? (If a while I really think you should talk to someone) if lately it could be just a down time (like we all get) it is the darker months so I don’t know but maybe that has something to do with it (I know I’ve been feeling off last few days) maybe write a gratitude list?even in the darker times there are always things to be grateful for, just sometimes we forget with everything we feel or that’s changed, but take care and don’t feel bad or stupid for messaging how your feeling, it’s part of what the forum’s for ok? 👌🏻 🤗 💝 🤗💝🤗🎁
 

JukeGen

Member
Joined
Sep 26, 2021
Messages
27
Yeah, I have depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder 🙄 not a fun mix...I'm calmer now...just feeling numb. I think I'm going to have to get in touch with the doctors in the morning because I haven't felt this bad in a while...just crept up on me. My partner is definitely kind and caring and tries to be understanding and I guess that's what worries me. There's only so much a person can take and I don't want him to end up resenting me and I don't want to be this burden for him. He doesn't deserve any of this and I keep pushing him away without realising and at some point it's just going to be too much.
 

Jemima

Very helpful member
Joined
Jul 30, 2020
Messages
761
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
11/2019
Country
PT
Oh JukeGen, I'm so sorry to know that you're feeling that way. I think I can relate a lot, in a number of different ways. I agree with Auriel on the depression. I'm also not a doctor, but I've struggled with depression for the last 25+ years, and it always seems to come with being stuck in that place where we can't see even a glimmer of how things might brighten ahead. It makes us feel as if there's no hope at all, but that's just depression's trick on our minds.

I can also relate on the frustration that comes with literally....not...being...able...to...do...anything. When I had my first major hit of fibro, I was bed-bound for months and months, and wracked with guilt over the burden that put on my partner - exactly that "this is not what he signed up for" thought that you described, shouting at me through the haze of my illness. Plus, despite his support, every time he or his kids left the house in a mess, I'd get stuck between feelings of bubbling rage that they weren't taking into account what their negligence would mean for me, and shame that I couldn't do what a "normal" partner would be able to do. Looking back now, I know I was in a really deep depression at the time, as well as very triggered in terms of everything else.

The other thing that hit me in the gut, reading your post, was your phrasing "take in on the chin". I think so many of us have wound up here after being push through and take it on the chin kind of people - although, whether it's related or not, we might never know. I was also active and sporty, and that transitioned into a lot of trouble with weight fluctuations and abandoned plans over the years as my health threw bigger and bigger spanners into the works. These memories make me even more sorry, because I can imagine the pain that you're feeling right now - please know that the last thing you are is pathetic, so please don't punish yourself. It's not going to stay like this!

I'd say that I was around your age when my first fibro symptoms started, but it didn't get really-bad until I was a few years into my 30s. So, not quite as young, but still with the moment of, oh, where did my life go? I think the biggest thing that eventually helped me - in shedding a lot of those struggles - was just letting go of the idea that I had to pretend to be OK. Letting go of the idea that I needed to claw back towards who I used to be, and leaning in 100% to the idea that I had to put all the energy I had (not a lot) into looking after myself with kindness above all else, without worrying about what would be on the other side. Quieting those self-critical voices is really hard, and honestly, I think it will likely come with getting a handle on your depressive symptoms. I agree that talking to someone is a good idea.

Interlude: Getting to this point of writing, your new comment just came up! My stepdaughter is borderline too, so I can appreciate just a little how much more complicated that must make dealing with this stuff. Coming here on the forum and expressing what you're feeling in a moment like that is a really positive way of dealing with it - take credit for that!

One of the biggest things I've worked on over this last year is acceptance that my partner is here because he loves me, and that his choice to do that, no matter what, is something that I can only meet with my choice to let him - and trust it. My symptoms are much better than they were last year or the year before, so I know that makes these things less of a battle, but I honestly feel, reflecting back, that coming through this together has strengthened our relationship, so I hope that you find the same thing happens for you both.

The financial aspect of chronic illness is just a total ass, and there's no easy way around it - we have to struggle, or swallow our pride, or both. I really hope that you manage OK, and that you can remind yourself that you can't blame yourself for this. These health conditions often just won't let us push through or take it on the chin, but that doesn't reflect who we are underneath them. If it helps you run your business without disappointing customers, why not share that you're ill in your marketing, and let customers know why if their shipping is late - without any guilt attached?

I think your post was excellent. Next time you feel like that, come and do it again! Sometimes we have to empty our minds - get all that stuff out - so it can feel a little quieter inside. Nothing wrong with that.

In terms of depression/mental instability, sometimes these episodes can be a blip, and sometimes they're a signal that we need to take action to right the ship - it sounds like you know that, and are doing all the right things. If you go to the doctors, good luck. I hope they can offer something helpful, and that you feel better soon 🌤️
 

Auriel

Senior member
Joined
Jun 8, 2021
Messages
442
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
08/2006
Country
UK
State
UK
I’m glad you feeling calmer 😅 if your partners a good man (which it sounds like) value him, tell him even (if you feel you can?) also speaking to your dr is a good idea to see if there’s any changes or adjustments they need to make with medication or maybe finding a counsellor to speak to about how you feeling (worries or concerns) but take care, and if you feel the need to vent on here vent away 🙂 💖💞💖
 
Last edited:

JukeGen

Member
Joined
Sep 26, 2021
Messages
27
Plus, despite his support, every time he or his kids left the house in a mess, I'd get stuck between feelings of bubbling rage that they weren't taking into account what their negligence would mean for me, and shame that I couldn't do what a "normal" partner would be able to do.
THIS. this is the worst part. He's supporting me the best he can whilst working full time and walking the dogs because I can't but I get so filled with rage over stupid things like the kitchen being a mess and it's like everything else he does just doesn't exist. I just focus on the mess and get so annoyed but most of that anger is actually because I'm the one who can't do anything and it gets misdirected and then I try and tell myself it's me I'm angry at and then it becomes this vortex inside of me which I can't escape.
I'd say that I was around your age when my first fibro symptoms started, but it didn't get really-bad until I was a few years into my 30s.
It was last winter when i got really bad because of whatever this is at the same time so I was in bed for 5 months and was diagnosed with the fibro. Once I started looking into it I realised I had had symptoms for years but they were reasonably manageable or I'd maybe be laid up for a day but since last winter it just got worse. Then I had it under control and was managing the best I could but winter came round again and I'm laid up again. It feels like I'm only half living half a year and the rest I'm stuck inside my house and inside my head.
. If it helps you run your business without disappointing customers, why not share that you're ill in your marketing, and let customers know why if their shipping is late - without any guilt attached?
It's not even a business. It's just me selling my TY beanie babies collection and clothes I bought but can never wear just to try and make a little extra cash but it's turning into more hassle than it's worth. I'm not really making any money but at the same time it feels like I'm slowly decluttering the house so I've just kept going with it.
and if you feel the need to vent on here vent away
I guess I just feel like this forum is mostly so positive, people saying the amazing ways they aren't going to give up. So for me to come on and leave a massive rant like that, I just felt guilty but having the support from you guys really does help 🥰 thank you. Both of you.
 

Jemima

Very helpful member
Joined
Jul 30, 2020
Messages
761
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
11/2019
Country
PT
I guess I just feel like this forum is mostly so positive, people saying the amazing ways they aren't going to give up.
You know, I can't speak for everyone else who posts here, but I think the reason that I do this is the hope that I can be the same positive voice for someone else that I feel I could use when I'm struggling. Sometimes, I think we all long for someone to reach in and just give us a tug so we can get up the steep climb in front of us! But I'm not always that resolved - sometimes it feels impossible. None of us are alone in that. Just have to hang tight until we hit the peak and can see the view again ⛰️

It's not even a business. It's just me selling my TY beanie babies collection and clothes I bought but can never wear just to try and make a little extra cash but it's turning into more hassle than it's worth. I'm not really making any money but at the same time it feels like I'm slowly decluttering the house so I've just kept going with it.
If you're selling things successfully, then you should view it as something you've created! Doesn't mean you have to keep doing it, but these things become a business when we choose to see them that way.

I don't know what it will look like, but at a certain point ahead you will have moved past where you are now, and you will have started to build a life that you feel passionate about. We can never truly know where we'll land, but hey, there's something to be said for surprises!

Vent whenever you feel like it. I'm glad we made you feel a little better 🎉 I know you're in the thick of it right now, but you got this - more than you know. Battles always make us grow!

(Ouch, Jemima, you're rhyming now?! Not on purpose 😂)
 
Last edited:

Auriel

Senior member
Joined
Jun 8, 2021
Messages
442
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
08/2006
Country
UK
State
UK
Venting is a positive (is in my book anyway) if you need to get it out of your system +we’re here to listen/understand, it’s all good 🌼🌺🌼
 
Last edited:

Auriel

Senior member
Joined
Jun 8, 2021
Messages
442
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
08/2006
Country
UK
State
UK
Yes @JukeGen there are a fair few people who are really fighting to not give up and it is an enormous struggle (due to pain, fatigue ) and the disheartening nature of how fibro makes you feel, but there’s also a venting thread on here cos someone had the REALLY good idea to put it there when we get fed up and feel upset 😢, it’s nice to hear more about you and I’ve learned some more about Jemima too which is also good, I opened up a bit early on after joining because some horrible experiences caused my fibro and a few other people have opened up about things too and I love that, take care jJukeGem, 🥰🤗🥰
 
Last edited:

sunkacola

Very helpful member
Joined
Dec 2, 2016
Messages
1,757
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
00/0000
Country
Uni
State
Somewhere
Hi JukeJen,
No one here will think you are exaggerating anything.
Many of us here, including myself, have felt as you do.
I don't know how much it helps to have other people say that, or to say that you are not so worthless as you feel, but you are not worthless.
You may be broken, but broken doesn't mean worthless! This is something I learned from reading the books and blog posts written by a wonderful woman named Jenny Lawson, who suffers from multiple physical difficulties and extremely severe depression that has been very medication-resistant. I recommend you check her out online. Her blog is called "The Bloggess". She doesn't have FMS, but what she does have is debilitating.

As Jemima says, the very last thing you are is pathetic, no matter how much you feel that way. You are feeling like that because you are not able to do the things you used to do with no problem, but that is Not. Your. Fault. The fact that you even feel that way indicates to me that you are actually a responsible and sensitive person, who wants to contribute and do your part. Please take heart. You still can do those things. You may not be able to do them all the time, maybe not even when you want to, and maybe you have to find a different way to get things done, but you are not and will never be useless.

Also, never feel bad about ranting here. That is one of the things we are here for. I have ranted, myself. Sometimes we have to do that because there's no one nearby we can talk to for various reasons, or we don't want to lay it all on someone even if they will listen. For me, I hate like anything ever to complain to another person about my troubles, and I don't like to appear weak, so I keep it to myself unless it is necessary for me to take about it. This forum is a place where it is safe to say how you feel even if it all sounds bad.

The one things i always remind myself: things change. Nothing will be the same forever, and this too will pass. What comes will be different. We don't know in what way, but with FMS there are many things you can do for yourself that very well may help.

I am glad you are here and that you trusted us enough to rant and rave and let it all out how you feel.
 

Jemima

Very helpful member
Joined
Jul 30, 2020
Messages
761
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
11/2019
Country
PT
This is something I learned from reading the books and blog posts written by a wonderful woman named Jenny Lawson, who suffers from multiple physical difficulties and extremely severe depression that has been very medication-resistant. I recommend you check her out online. Her blog is called "The Bloggess".
Definitely going to check her out!
 

sunkacola

Very helpful member
Joined
Dec 2, 2016
Messages
1,757
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
00/0000
Country
Uni
State
Somewhere
Definitely going to check her out!
Her books are called, in order of publication, "Let's Pretend This Never Happened", "Furiously Happy", and "Broken (in the best possible way)" They have been translated into many different languages.
I laughed out loud at things in each of those books, especially the first two. And her bog helps millions of people to know that they are not alone with depression. She doesn't post regularly (because she can't always manage it), but all of her posts, even when she is posting about her struggles, are uplifting.
 
Top