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Deetz

New member
Joined
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4
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Diagnosis
10/2005
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US
State
PA
New to the forum. Need help with coping. Marriage in dire straights...

I'm having a hard time after 10+ years of my wife being ill. She can't and does nothing but put all her energy into her daily work schedule to get through a day. Which leaves her no energy to put into our marriage. 10 + yrs I have done all I could to make her feel comfortable and pain free day to day. I get nothing in return. I can't go on with the rest of our lives like this.

Fibromyalgia is just one ailment, there is severe depression, anxiety, IBS , sleep deprevation, gambling problems , threats of suiside. ... and more...for over 10 yrs I've done everything i possibly can to make her feel loved. I've lost my wife ,friend , companion and lover to a number of sicknesses.

My ultimate question to anyone willing to reply is : and truthfully , divorce is eminent as we have slipped away from each other , I physically and mentally am drained by all of it. I do not want to end our marriage with bad intent. But I honestly can't do any more for her if she is unwilling to put forth some energy into me. Without sounding selfish , I need companionship which she is unable and or unwilling to give. Im.stuggling to continue this marriage as it is no longer a normal life for her and me.

Help : suggestions, make me understand.
 

Deetz

New member
Joined
Oct 23, 2016
Messages
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Reason
Relative
Diagnosis
10/2005
Country
US
State
PA
87 active users, 4 views , O responses in an hr. This is disheartening....
 

DK_engineer

Very helpful member
Joined
Jun 20, 2015
Messages
579
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
05/2015
Country
US
State
OR
Hello Deetz, welcome,
I am sorry you are in so much pain. Coping with being a caretaker can take a huge toll on a person. One of my good friends cared for her husband through 10 years of cancer all the way to the end. I could see how hard it was on her well-being.

I don't know if you have already tried it, but cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) may help.Sometimes we develop habits of thinking that aren't helpful. CBT teaches people to recognize those patterns, disrupt them, and replace them with patterns that are more useful. I have family members that have been greatly helped by CBT.

I hope this helps a little. You really have a lot on your plate.
 

Deetz

New member
Joined
Oct 23, 2016
Messages
4
Reason
Relative
Diagnosis
10/2005
Country
US
State
PA
Thanx for the reply DK engineer. I do not know what CBT is or does. Can anyone elaborate more about CBT and what it can do to help me ?
 

Forgetmenot

Legendary member
Joined
Oct 6, 2014
Messages
1,549
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
70/2010
Country
UK
State
Hertfordshire
Hi Deetz, sorry u had to wait but ppl do have work and family to deal with.and some of us are the other side of the world.
Have u both been for counselling,?maybe she needs to see how bad things are ,and the dispersion you are now in.
It can be hard when your in pain 24 hours everyday of your life,
But she does need to understand your needs to.
I live alone ,I can't say I like it ,but I can go at my own peace.can your wife not sit next to you at night and have a cuddle.
Have you sat down and told your wife how you are really feeling.does she know just how bad things are.
I'm sorry you are suffering,and if your wife does know how bad things are then maybe you both do need time apart.
 

diamond

Legendary member
Joined
Sep 18, 2015
Messages
1,548
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
01/2008
Country
UK
State
anywhere
Hi Deetz...you have a lot on your plate I can imagine your frustration...sorry you had to wait... but we are all in pain and trying to help out with replies when we can. I am in the UK too and only just seen your message.

If your mind is made up then i am not sure any advice here is going to save your marriage.

Forgetmenot has good advice your situation is very complex..so many illnesses and gambling too....the only way if you want things to improve is loving but honest communication.

The problem is you are already at the end of your tether and that means conversation at this stage tends to mean volatility and demands for having needs met and in my experience threatening divorce will not make your wife more loving or attentive but compound all her existing problems with the anxiety of feeling rejected.

I think you need a well qualified councellor who you are willing to see both together and individually to help you both.

Fibro is extremely draining and impossible to communicate just how it feels plus some like me are severely restricted and i know only too well the strain it puts on relationships.

The first thing is if your wife changed towards you do you want to stay? Her health is not going to magically improve so if your life together is just going to be resentment then maybe this is the end.

You do need to tell her how you feel but in a kind way... not being afraid to show your own sadness and vulnerability will get a better response than demands and criticsms.

Is there any possiblity your wife could reduce her working hours significantly....if she didnt have to use up all her energy working then she would have soo much more to spare for your relationship.

I for one could not possibly work and have a hard time getting around the house.....but if your wife is at a more active level surely your life together is way more important than possessions and lifestyle???

The gambling she needs to be willing to stop for starters..it probably is a distraction from how awful she feels...depression alone is a terrible thing and she needs help not blame...put fibro IBS and depression together and it is truly hellish for both of you.

Is she getting medical help for any of her conditions? This includes pain relief, other medications and as mentioned above cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) can help if you she is willing....it wont take away the pain but it might help her see her life in a different way and make changes.

Maybe you could have a session of councelling alone to start with to help you either find a way forward with your wife or support through out the split and the same for her as she needs help either way.

Take a few hours out for yourself....go get a massage or swim or something you enjoy.....you sound at breaking point and need to take care of your self too....we don't always make the best decisions when we are drained.

I hope you both have family or a friend to confide in...I wish you luck please let us know now we have taken the trouble to respond and have a vested interested. Take CAre
 
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Deetz

New member
Joined
Oct 23, 2016
Messages
4
Reason
Relative
Diagnosis
10/2005
Country
US
State
PA
The update as of today ,

My wife has voluntarily checked herself into a crisis center 2 days ago. Her mental illnesses have taken complete control over her thought process. I believe this is the beginning of the end for us. Sad to say. With her mental instability and her gambling problems I have taken the nessesary precautions to keep her from spending money at a casino and had all automated bills change to my name and be sent a paper bill. I will continue to make the necessary payment in order to keep things paid up and on time. She's going to be pissed at me when she gets out of the hospital but enough is enough.

Divorce is eminent and I want to part with the least amount of angst as possible. I do not want this to end ugly and I hope she can get the help she needs while she is in the hospital being evaluated. I'm trying to save what life I have ahead of me while doing my best to get her the help she needs to continue her life apart from me.

26 yrs together, 25 of them married , 10 yrs of severe depression, anxiety, fibro, 0 sex of any kind for 10 yrs , gambling problems for 18 yrs , 2 homes lost from it and making her feel loved and being as supportive as possible without any animosity towards the thousands of dollars gambled away. ..... it's time to restart my life and move on to becoming happy again as it has been so long since I have felt that. I do not blame her , I blame the issues and sickness she has accrued over the past 10 years and those sickness and mental instabilities have destroyed our lives. I was the one to initiate and saught out help for her physical and mental problems. I have done all I can to keep shit together for so long I cannot continue this way of life.

I have been faithful to her for the duration of our 26 yrs of life together. Never once have I cheated or had an affair during this marriage . As a man all I want now is to have a woman lay down next to me to hold and have her hold me back as we fall asleep in each other's arms. More than 10 years I have gone without being touched by my wife and every time I try to initiate any kind of sexual act she pushes me away. I want to be happy again as its been way to long.

My therapist, that I see now , has given me , or helped me see , the reality of the rest of my life and moving forward in it in the way I need it to go. Even in divorce I will make myself available to help her when ever she needs help with something because in my eyes I still care for her well being but I am no longer in love with her. I will never turn my back on her but I need to move forward as I am able to do so.

Criticism whether good or bad is all I ask for in any reply as well as your honesty.
 

diamond

Legendary member
Joined
Sep 18, 2015
Messages
1,548
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
01/2008
Country
UK
State
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I can see you have totally done your best.....i feel for your wife it will be a hard road ahead but you also have a right to a life with some happiness.

Tbh your post makes me feel very vulnerable as FMS alone does change your life so dramatically and the fear your partner will stop loving you and look for a better life with someone who can give them a normal life lurks under the surface.

Clearly you have been a good husband...you cant make yourself love someone you don't.....i wish you good luck.
 
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