Supportive or non-supportive partners

[sunkacola]

Anyone here who has a supportive partner, please know how incredibly lucky you are.

I can't tell you how much I would appreciate having that in my life! Instead, I recently had to break up with someone I had been with for 2 years because that support was not there.

Oh, there were nice things said about it some of the time, "I want to help" and that kind of thing, sounding supportive, but words are easy and when it came right down to the fact that today I cannot do what we planned, or I ended up in severe pain while sitting in a theater for hours, etc.....there was only anger and resentment, claims that I was exaggerating, and meanness. Which of course made my pain worse the next day because of the stress.

After a whole lot of careful talk and explanation, always done in a low-key sort of way (I do not fight, or display anger, preferring to discuss problems peacefully like adults), and giving that person lots of chances to be nicer to me, I had to call it quits. I gave more chances than I should have, and it only did me more harm.

I don't want anyone to do anything for me. I do all my own chores, and rarely even need help and most of the time when I need help I don't ask for it and just do it myself anyway, regardless of the cost to me physically. Sometimes I would do something with that person, even when I knew it was going to be very hard or hurt a lot the next day, and would carefully hide the fact that I was hurting.

I don't talk about Fibro or my problems a lot, in fact never unless asked or unless needing to explain to someone why I have to cancel plans, which I only do when I absolutely cannot physically get out the door or drive. That didn't happen all that often, because as I said I would try to hide it, knowing how I would be treated if I cancelled. All I ever asked was that my partner not be mean or angry or resentful on the times that happened, because being treated harshly makes the physical symptoms worse.

But that never happened, it never changed, and I ended up actually having some severe panic attacks because of how I was treated. Not many, but even one is too many.

I am a person who wants and needs a peaceful relationship and I believe firmly that almost anything can be worked out if both people stay calm and rational, don't yell or try to fight, and talk about it peacefully with the end goal always being to keep the relationship going in a healthy way. My ex-partner proved to be either unwilling to do that or incapable of it, but after being horrible to me yet again, kept asking for another chance and like the fool I am I kept giving it.

I shouldn't have stayed as long as I did. If any of you are in a similar situation, don't let it go on. It is very damaging to your health on all levels. I now will be back to being lonely, but that is better than being treated badly.

And those of you who have a genuinely supportive partner, go give that person a hug and tell them how much you appreciate their presence in your life. You are incredibly fortunate.

 

[emma]

hi , I have replied to you on the other part of the forum when we were to talking to joal, you will find a supportive partner in the future not everyone is an arsehole, you deserve a good partner you have done nothing wrong and you are trying your absolute best. I realise I am lucky but my husband has arthritis and understands a little bit. sorry you had to go through that nobody should have panic attacks because of somebody not being understanding. x

 

[sunkacola]

Thanks, Emma.
I don't know if I will find another person to be with or not, and the odds are against it.

If I do, I am not going to put up with it if I am not treated right. I don't know why I allowed that for more than two or three times
It was a big mistake.

 

[sjbrown]

Anyone here who has a supportive partner, please know how incredibly lucky you are.

I can't tell you how much I would appreciate having that in my life! Instead, I recently had to break up with someone I had been with for 2 years because that support was not there.

Oh, there were nice things said about it some of the time, "I want to help" and that kind of thing, sounding supportive, but words are easy and when it came right down to the fact that today I cannot do what we planned, or I ended up in severe pain while sitting in a theater for hours, etc.....there was only anger and resentment, claims that I was exaggerating, and meanness. Which of course made my pain worse the next day because of the stress.

After a whole lot of careful talk and explanation, always done in a low-key sort of way (I do not fight, or display anger, preferring to discuss problems peacefully like adults), and giving that person lots of chances to be nicer to me, I had to call it quits. I gave more chances than I should have, and it only did me more harm.

I don't want anyone to do anything for me. I do all my own chores, and rarely even need help and most of the time when I need help I don't ask for it and just do it myself anyway, regardless of the cost to me physically. Sometimes I would do something with that person, even when I knew it was going to be very hard or hurt a lot the next day, and would carefully hide the fact that I was hurting.

I don't talk about Fibro or my problems a lot, in fact never unless asked or unless needing to explain to someone why I have to cancel plans, which I only do when I absolutely cannot physically get out the door or drive. That didn't happen all that often, because as I said I would try to hide it, knowing how I would be treated if I cancelled. All I ever asked was that my partner not be mean or angry or resentful on the times that happened, because being treated harshly makes the physical symptoms worse.

But that never happened, it never changed, and I ended up actually having some severe panic attacks because of how I was treated. Not many, but even one is too many.

I am a person who wants and needs a peaceful relationship and I believe firmly that almost anything can be worked out if both people stay calm and rational, don't yell or try to fight, and talk about it peacefully with the end goal always being to keep the relationship going in a healthy way. My ex-partner proved to be either unwilling to do that or incapable of it, but after being horrible to me yet again, kept asking for another chance and like the fool I am I kept giving it.

I shouldn't have stayed as long as I did. If any of you are in a similar situation, don't let it go on. It is very damaging to your health on all levels. I now will be back to being lonely, but that is better than being treated badly.

And those of you who have a genuinely supportive partner, go give that person a hug and tell them how much you appreciate their presence in your life. You are incredibly fortunate.

So sorry you had to go through that. I am lucky enough to have support. But you are now lucky to have YOU back

 

[MinGraphics]

I’m so sorry you did not get the support you deserve. I got one of the good ones, he took the time to research with me and learn. Sadly many people just don’t GET it, my contact with friends and family is mostly by phone. I have to cancel or bow out of most plans and they don’t understand. My friends marriage broke up after 30 years because her husband kept thinking she would get better...we don’t get better, we just cope and deal.

 

[diamond]

I'm sorry sunkacola. I have been quiet on the forum and my partner of 23 years recently dumped me because of what i couldn't do. This started 5 years ago when i thought i was doing amazing and did almost everything except really heavy things myself. He got resentful angry and gave me the cold shoulder treatment....i also did many thing until i hurt badly.....but i was mostly honest and would say when i had walked my maximum which was about an hour before my legs knees or feet hurt to much or one leg in particular seized up.....i would come home from 5 or 6 hours out aching all over just sitting in the car.....we would go to lovely places for lunch or country drives and walks around lovely places or British quaint Towns....or take on projects at either of our homes and i could walk around DIY stores furniture and home ware stores ..we would go sports car hunting a passion we both enjoyed and he played golf twice a week as he took early retirement very young but i made myself seriously ill with when he told me i wasn't what he signed up for and various other derogatory comments where it was clear he didnt care about the pain i was in or that some days are unpredictable and i would have to rest..

I wish id been brave enough to end things when i realised he wasn't happy but i loved him and he could also say the most loving things and treated me like a princess for years but seems he was saying one thing and thinking another.

Now hes gone...im alone and made my illness 1000 times worse fight

 

[diamond]

sorry that message didn't end correctly....my illness has got so much worse through the last few years from the stress as having his love understanding and respect for all i could do and feeling he was on my side so to speak not his own and that we were a team appreciating everything i could and we could do and enjoy together was so important to me.as well as fact i was happy alone doing my own thing and appreciated all my achievements big and small ...its hurts so much i just wasn't good enough when i was so proud of the level of normality i brought to our relationship. ..only to discover i was considered like some sort of hypochondriac with so many ever changing symptoms. I wish with all my heart id kept everything to myself but to me that's not a relationship.

 

[sunkacola]

Diamond, as you state, the bottom line is that is not a relationship. I understand everything you are saying. Although it feels terrible to be dumped, the fact is that you are clearly going to be better off without that person, as I know I will be without the person I was with.

It's worse to be dumped, but don't let it make you feel like less than a person. Even though in my case I made the decision, it's not easy.

When someone is angry with you for an illness you cannot cure or control, that is not real love. If I love someone, it doesn't matter what circumstances that person is in -- dead broke, sick, in the hospital, whatever....I will love that person. If someone calls me and says they don't feel good and have to cancel plans, the first thing in my mind and out of my mouth is "Oh, I'm sorry you don't feel good!"

This person's first reaction was to be angry that plans were being changed, and often would then end the conversation and hang up without ever once expressing any caring that I was not doing well. Now, I don't ask for or want a lot of sympathy. No need to go beyond just saying "Oh, sorry you don't feel good". That is plenty! I would hate to be fussed over. But not even to care enough to say something like that.....not indicative of the presence of real love.

Mine was not on my side, but on their own, as was yours. You don't need someone in your life who cannot be on your side.

 

[sjbrown]

Diamond, as you state, the bottom line is that is not a relationship. I understand everything you are saying. Although it feels terrible to be dumped, the fact is that you are clearly going to be better off without that person, as I know I will be without the person I was with.

It's worse to be dumped, but don't let it make you feel like less than a person. Even though in my case I made the decision, it's not easy.

When someone is angry with you for an illness you cannot cure or control, that is not real love. If I love someone, it doesn't matter what circumstances that person is in -- dead broke, sick, in the hospital, whatever....I will love that person. If someone calls me and says they don't feel good and have to cancel plans, the first thing in my mind and out of my mouth is "Oh, I'm sorry you don't feel good!"

This person's first reaction was to be angry that plans were being changed, and often would then end the conversation and hang up without ever once expressing any caring that I was not doing well. Now, I don't ask for or want a lot of sympathy. No need to go beyond just saying "Oh, sorry you don't feel good". That is plenty! I would hate to be fussed over. But not even to care enough to say something like that.....not indicative of the presence of real love.

Mine was not on my side, but on their own, as was yours. You don't need someone in your life who cannot be on your side.

Well said!! WE dont like dealing with this condition and having someone make you feel bad about it sure would not help. Right now I have a very supportive husband and I hope it stays that way.

 

[diamond]

Thank you both for your supportive words. I have to say i am just like Sunkacola ....as far as my partner was concerned i wouldn't care what his circumstances it wouldn't have changed my love or caring or giving a kind words instinctively.

Right now i'm not feeling better on my own....im still having panic attacks that last hours ....i have a large garden I can't look after without paying someone ...all my friends except one i have lost contact with so he was my company my best friend and i miss all the sharing and caring we did have for so many years, you couldn't find a closer couple. My days are soo long and lonely i have hit severe depression something i didn't ever have with fibro.

 

[diamond]

I just re read your post Sunkacola.....i put up with it for 5 years! Not all the time of course but he also talked behind my back running me down with his judgemental views to his family and MINE!! None of them had the slightest understanding about this condition and i got so much criticism and blame and horrible comments it literally broke me down over time and my illness declined dramatically like it was me against them all.

 

[emma]

that's terrible diamond x

 

[sunkacola]

Right now i'm not feeling better on my own....im still having panic attacks that last hours ....i have a large garden I can't look after without paying someone ...all my friends except one i have lost contact with so he was my company my best friend and i miss all the sharing and caring we did have for so many years, you couldn't find a closer couple. My days are soo long and lonely i have hit severe depression something i didn't ever have with fibro.

I also have had panic attacks, and know what that is like, and they are TERRIBLE. If you've never had one, you have no idea how dreadful and disabling and debilitating they are. I have had them last for hours, too. It is so bad for your body to go through that.

Mine were in conjunction with the horrible ways that my partner was treating me, and just remembering some of the things that were said to me was enough to send me into one. Although I have felt my body headed in that direction since I broke up with that person, I have been able to get my heart rate back down and be OK if I work on it really hard. It is my hope that the longer it is that I don't have that person in my life, the less likely it will be that I have one, and at some point they'll stop altogether.

As you get used to your new life, yours will subside as well, but you have to work on it in whatever way works for you. I even Googled "how to deal with panic attacks" and got some ideas. It is probably too soon for this, but at some point think about trying to see your current situation as being a new beginning rather than an ending. I am doing that and it helps. I am lonely too. But loneliness is better than abuse. I have no idea what is around the next corner, and my life has taken me more than once from the depths of depression to joy. It can do that if we let it. I wish you all the best.

If writing about it here and getting responses is in any way helpful I am here to do that.

 

[Dorey]

Thanks to y'all for speaking about this. I thought I was all alone on this matter. I've not yet been "papered" with fibro but I am on an anti-depressant that helps (somewhat) with my anxiety, depression and fibro. I'm allergic to Cymbalta (bummer because I've heard good things about it). My delema is that I started noticing these pains about 8 or so yrs ago. Prescribed Cymbalta, no good. The symptoms kept getting worse but I just "sucked it up" (how I was raised). Now, about 2 yrs ago, it seemed like I was in a whole different body. Does that make sense? I started to not be able to do all the things that my husband (of 15 yrs) and I used to do. Alot of outdoor activities. He has even said "you're not the person I married". I would try and tell him about all of pain areas and how it prevents me from doing even the smallest things at times. No response, no curiosity, no empathy ect. I'm about to cry. Sorry, it just really hurts my feelings knowing that he must think of how much of a "burden" i am or just "broken" and how he has to "put up" with me. Here never asks "how are you feeling", "how was your day", is there anything you need ect. No communication about at all. I've learned that I have to be my own "therapist" and "best friend". I've also learned not to even try and talk about it because he'll get irritated. I don't have any friends because I feel like I'm no good to anyone so I stay home and take care of our house ect (I'm a homemaker). I feel resented, worthless, and burdensome. He has not tried to make me feel otherwise. This damn fibro effects you, not only physically, but it sure does take a toll on your emotions also. Thank you for listening to me vent. Anyone have any suggestions on how to keep my head up? P.s If I do "act" like I'm ok and do something that he wants to do, it sure does bite me in the rear later. Also, I don't sleep well at all and he wants to do everything in the early mornings. He acts like it's no big deal.. just wake up all chipper and ready to go. NOT!

 

[Dorey]

Hi there again. I forgot to mention that I have a bunch of other illnesses on top of this and my husband doesn't communicate about those either. He never tries to cheer me up or give me a "pep" talk. I'm alone on this journey I guess.