The Struggle Is Real

[Badger]

I don't know how people manage it, speaking with others, looking at ease and getting along with a smile. it's nerve wracking and draining trying to get through it. So often for us it could also be a trigger and leave us feeling awful.

People used to say I was the laid back one, but I was just quiet and bottled things up. Striking to think we may seldom be comfortable around loved ones but it's difficult looking from the inside out.

 

[Badger]

I think it is apropos here for me to say that one of my very favorite words and a description of my ideal lifestyle is 'balance'. I always try to strive for a healthy balance in all areas of my life.

Well said my friend, if ever there was a mantra it's balance, simple, straight to the point and truthful.

 

[sweetkamie20]

Totally feel the same. My hubs wants me to reconsider being content with my level of sociability but, for real, stress and flares for what gain?

When we do “branch out” we end up in the way wrong relationships/encounters. It’s unbelievable the people we come across daily. I stopped leaving the house cuz it seriously stresses me out. I don’t know if the next person I meet is going to confess to having killed someone or is going to share some other deeply disturbing thing with me. I have no more energy for manipulating serial killers and confronting human traffickers and intervening to save a drug addict from themself. I’m just tapped out on meeting new people or even being around them. Wherever I go craziness is there.

 

[JayCS]

I don't know how people manage it, speaking with others, looking at ease and getting along with a smile. it's nerve wracking and draining trying to get through it. So often for us it could also be a trigger and leave us feeling awful.

Good question, Badger (if it is one ).
I've actually been able to learn how to get there by overcoming it & I spose more "balance" of a kind...
30 years ago it was like this for me most of the day most days. Not just while speaking, but also worrying "before" and "after". Directly after triggers I felt a fibro-like "severe Ache" for hours.
This I've been able to decrease until about 8-5 years ago where it reached a minimum that seemed good enough & healthy for me. Fibro 3 years ago has meant tackling each residue of it, a new balance, so that social interaction doesn't "harm" me, or at least is always "worth it".
But I'm lucky in that I'd got my mental like my physical health at the highest of levels before fibro & MCAS hit.
This has given me resources to apply to these new challenges, which couldn't shake me as much as full blown anxiety had.
My most powerful maxim has always been face - accept - float - let time pass, i.e. not distracting, denying, sinking or impatience, and not worrying about worrying. So a variation on the theme of radical acceptance.
That way anxiety like pain loses its sting. After triggers it decreases quicker. In time I learnt to understand how to prevent and decrease triggers more and more, by understanding how they work on me, how they get me worrying.
With FM & MCAS I've had to minimize the effect of every social trigger because now even the most positive social interactions exhaust and flare me, although I'm usually not even worrying about anything, no anxiety.
For that I've learnt which situations/people I'm safest with (I can phone with my son for over hour on some days). And how to reduce the physical stress of it in time and quickly: Immediate breaks, sometimes intense, in good company even while I'm in that company by resting my head, closing my eyes, putting ear plugs in and then listening intently and only chipping in "out of nowhere" for a short time if the urge to do so is big enough. So in my breaks I often look like the person on that picture above during interaction. Friends have got used to it, acquaintances accept it, if they didn't/don't I gently fire a broadside. Yesterday,

Spoiler: Wanna read the detailed story about my social interaction New Year's Eve? Click here...

NYE, after 2h of slowly pushing thru making music I decided to manage another 2h (masked, with breaks) in a restaurant with friends from 9 to 11, much too late for me normally: ear plugs, eyes often closed, head resting against a wall or on my hand, seemingly absent, then in between I suddenly come alive for 5 minutes. These select/ed 5 minute spurts mean the world to me and my friends. I just have to clearly realize, state & do what I need.
After a longer break at home alone I ventured back out to them at midnight, slowly cycling with ear plugs amongst all the groups of people with fireworks, to a hill above the town with a brilliant view. Once I'd got there tho (hill cycling & late) I realized I couldn't stand, someone gave me a bag to lie on, head resting against a fence, hand on my wife's foot, eyes half open. Whilst watching the fireworks, someone who didn't know me that well asked me a bit about my past life. I started slowly chattering about it. When the other 2 pricked their ears they came close, so the 6 formed a ring around me making me joke I feel like a baby elephant in the midst of protecting parents. After half an hour I needed to get home quick, 2 pulled me up, but I kept stumbling on the uneven ground, so they were worrying. When a few people walked past, I quietly joked "been drinking too much", my mate laughed "like every year" (I never ever drink). I just wanted to get to my bike, cos slow cycling is best for me, but the women were worried about the state I'm in, so instructed my mate to cycle after and with me, bringing me home, where I slumped to the floor for a time, my wife had to help me get out of my stuff and bring me to bed. - I don't know if she'll allow me to do that again and come with her next year, but for me it was all worth it, no regrets. Because I did everything in my own pace like I could cope best. She had said it's OK for her to stay at home, but I also know it's important for her and I decided to try for - a balance, which to me worked out. I'll see what she says now she's up again, I'm fine staying at home too... or next NYE they'll like last year have to come closer to our home (but not too close! 😛 )

I don't know how people manage it, speaking with others, looking at ease and getting along with a smile.

If I'm not at ease, I focus on getting myself at ease, say the right things to make my limits clear, have learnt to sense when. Or I leave the situation with various short sharp techniques that never affront anyone.
I've (had to) become very authentic in what I feel, say and do.

 

[JayCS]

I think it is apropos here for me to say that one of my very favorite words and a description of my ideal lifestyle is 'balance'. I always try to strive for a healthy balance in all areas of my life.

Interesting. I like it too.
I apply this principle to my values/actions - a balance between "justice" and "freedom", "thinking" and "feeling", "principles" and "spur of the moment decisions", "you" (others) and "me". etc. My nature is more thinking, principles and others, so I've developed my emotional side, my spontaneity etc. and now my self-care.
Not easy to know what is healthy for me praps. What is healthy for me may appear totally imbalanced and extreme to others, like my diet.

 

[JayCS]

reconsider being content with my level of sociability but, for real, stress and flares for what gain?

Praps he then should offer realistic ideas how to increase it without flares or else accept it?

wrong relationships/encounters.... share some other deeply disturbing thing with me. ... Wherever I go craziness is there.

Wow, that's an aspect I luckily live in a much too peaceful environment to have to deal with. Many people around, but peaceful and fairly healthy people. I spose by choice.
(A recent confrontation was only someone bitingly chiding me for cycling slowly on the pavement instead of on the "cycle road". I answered "Oh, I'm very sorry you're not in a good mood today" and hardly wasted any emotional energy. My wife admired that reply. Personally, I liked it, but thought my tone was too ironic. But I spose tone or no, there'll always be some irony and some truth in it. But how slight in comparison, peanuts!)
Seeing as I don't even watch TV etc., to avoid killers, traffickers & addicts, & all that specific selection of bad news in general, I'd also very likely have problems with running into them. OK, I'm guessing only killers & traffickers would unsettle me - addiction to me is something I empathize with and don't see any sense in intervention unless an addicted person asks for it.
And if someone - anyone - appears to be in big trouble, I phone and if someone is prepared to come I'll stay till they do - no problem for me either way. Lesser troubles I enjoy helping where I can, incl. getting others' help, and what I can't, I can easily let go. If this comes in heaps I need to draw the line more: 5x1h/wk is good /worth it to me, whatever state I'm in...

How come you've ended in such an environment? Any chance of changing it?
How does your husband cope with it?

 

[JamieMarc]

Agreed @JayCS . @sweetkamie20 it certainly does sound like you live in a dangerous area, and very unhealthy environment for socializing, even just getting outside and passing a stranger. I think changing your living environment should be a HIGH priority for you. Otherwise, you will continue heading down a dangerous road with regard to your mental and spiritual health. I want to reiterate once again how tremendously important it is for human beings to have healthy interactions with other humans on a regular basis, regular meaning whatever works best for you, but I think at least 2 times per week is a good start. If changing your physical location is not possible, how about joining an in-person organization or group that is focused on something you care about. Finally, if you just can't connect in-person, there is the fallback of online socializing...it's not as powerful, real or rewarding as in-person socializing, but it's better than none at all. Hugs!

 

[Phil62]

Yes indeed, you are right but on the only condition that social interactions are chosen and not suffered. I am a man hairdresser receiving about 20 people a day in my hairdressing salon and I am obviously supposed to dialogue for a little ½ hour with each of them. Well I can assure you that I no longer dialogue, I listen to people! I spend my day having to hear the misfortunes of the world but also the personal misfortunes of these people, however benign they may be. I always try to reframe the conversation towards the positive side but the negative very often comes back to the charge by these people too eager to free themselves from their discomfort! I therefore become their therapist and the haircut becomes incidental. Unfortunately, people with fibromyalgia cannot vent their problems to other healthy people, including most healthcare professionals. I think people with fibro cannot be understood by other people unless they have fibromyalgia themselves. That's why I'm here on this forum!

 

[JamieMarc]

I listen to people! I spend my day having to hear the misfortunes of the world but also the personal misfortunes of these people, however benign they may be

What you offer Phil too many of your customers is way more than just a haircut and much more valuable. So many people silently suffer in this world of ours and don't feel heard. Listening to someone is a generous gift from the heart. Thank you for recognizing that, and for being there for so many people perhaps even unknowingly.

 

[Phil62]

Yes thank you very much Jamie for your understanding but my function as a therapist is becoming more and more difficult, tiring and painful! Why ? Maybe because my clients don't consider my fibromyalgia-related health issues in return!

 

[JamieMarc]

Don't let it be difficult Phil. I mean unless you are expected to respond. I really don't know what advice to give to be honest. I just thought it was nice that you listened and hoped that that was enough without you having to say anything to anyone except I understand or that must be difficult or offering comfort in some way. Well, at least we've got each other here to vent and moan and share ideas about fibromyalgia. I'm here for you bud.

 

[sweetkamie20]

Hmmm the trauma in my profession was unavoidable. I concluded it was divine intervention that I got assigned all of the cases where people ended up murdered. I did manage to ensure no children were the victims - manipulating a serial killer to turn a baby over. One case where my own employer was fighting me on my assessment that the father would kill people I asked to be removed from. He ended up killing himself and wife but i wasn’t on the case. Other cases where the abuse is so insane it’s hard to believe and I won’t mention here since it truly scars the psyche. I left that field of work. Just don’t have the separation it takes.

The strangers thing is literally just random. It’s like we happen to be at the wrong place at the right time. Someone will confess something to us standing in line at the DMV or sitting at a coffee shop. This was happening to my husband and I before we met and now just happens with us together. We went to the homeless shelter to give out food and had a woman confess things I don’t want to remember. Literally a guy that works at a grocery store that my husband always says hi to shares that he bought a gun and shouldn’t have and was hiding it from his wife. After talking with my husband he decided to sell it. It’s just stuff no one should have to deal with just by being nice. We aren’t doing anything exceptionally amazing. Being friendly, bringing food to a homeless person. Now I just expect things like this to happen by being cordial so I don’t really want to go anywhere lol

The drug addict relationship was by choice. We just didn’t know until the night everything hit the fan. We were there intervening for immediate safety. And after that he was arrested. We would have continued a relationship with him but in a different vein. That would be by our choice.

We do live on a Main Street in an area where all sorts of people walk through and we’ve had interesting experiences as a result but nothing traumatic, just reminders of what we don’t want to deal with…

Yeah, I just hang out with family now. And I’m content with that. My husband enjoys people more but also has had far less trauma than I have…we are navigating it. I hope he gets his needs met but I hope he finds a way that doesn’t involve me lol

 

[sweetkamie20]

I TOTALLY understand. Many professions require a lot more of a person’s well-being and it can be hard to understand that toll. Nurses surgeons police military therapists social workers hairdressers bartenders etc etc etc there are tolls we can’t always relate to. There’s a lot of suffering in this world and our shoulders aren’t big enough to carry it…

 

[JayCS]

Yes indeed, you are right but on the only condition that social interactions are chosen and not suffered. I am a man hairdresser receiving about 20 people a day in my hairdressing salon and I am obviously supposed to dialogue for a little ½ hour with each of them. Well I can assure you that I no longer dialogue, I listen to people! I spend my day having to hear the misfortunes of the world but also the personal misfortunes of these people, however benign they may be. I always try to reframe the conversation towards the positive side but the negative very often comes back to the charge by these people too eager to free themselves from their discomfort! I therefore become their therapist and the haircut becomes incidental. Unfortunately, people with fibromyalgia cannot vent their problems to other healthy people, including most healthcare professionals. I think people with fibro cannot be understood by other people unless they have fibromyalgia themselves. That's why I'm here on this forum!

May sound silly or unexpected, but have you had any training in therapy or tried to get someone as a supervisor for this sideline / mainline of yours?
We can see (from words like "reframe") that you already know quite a bit what you're doing. I can imagine that it might result in more protection for yourself if you could even more consciously use techniques of "active listening" and "mirroring" etc. Praps including the - very fitting 😜 - image that you are "only" being a mirror 🪞, meaning you might be able to develop a form of summarizing what your "clients" say, so they feel understood, but without having to go as deep emotionally yourself. Possibly because then you might be able to concentrate more on the conversation technique rather than taking it in. You obviously do have an interest in people, that again might allow you to see it more as a "study", rather than too emotionally for your own good?
Back to you reframing: A therapist gently offers various reframing images for the client to accept. I think it can put on a lot of pressure and no success if a client doesn't feel understood by the reframing, rather pressured to feel something they don't feel and then protest and become even more negative. We all know this when people meaning well try to reframe our pain / symptom experiences with fibro & our other conditions. It would depend on whether you are actually using a more professional type of re-framing or not, which I don't know....

 

[JayCS]

Wow, sweetkamie, sounds like you've had so much to give and wanted and been able to help in the toughest of situations, but it got too much for yourself, whilst you've probably done worlds of good as far as you could. I also think the random experiences come from that too.: turning to people instead of turning away invites their hearts to open, but also their chasms.

So would it be possible to go out again a bit more, but put on blinkers to save you from these random ones? That's what I do when I just ain't feeling up to interaction. Even literally: Looking down or even closing my eyes (when my wife is leading me that is...). (Whilst when I'm up to it, I like looking in/at everyone's faces - which can get strenuous in itself if there are a lot of people around....) I mean socially interacting more doesn't mean you have to contact with new people, I find it possible to select how far I go with whom, even in random situations....
Praps you no longer need to be cordial or Love thy Neighbour to strangers too much, the amount you've already done in your life....? But to others you know and can assess well?