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vickythecat

Senior member
Joined
Jan 5, 2017
Messages
366
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
01/2013
Country
EU
State
Earth
Somehow, ever since I was a child, I felt like I must be here on this planet for a purpose. I could not stand injustice and unfairness. But right from my younger ages, I was imprisoned in my social anxiety. I was afraid of humans - child or adult. So I did not speak because I was not brave enough to speak. I saw injustice everywhere - but I could not do much about it. I tried my best - by doing, not talking, but it was so painful, so frustrating.

Then I was also diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder. It made sense - the mood swings, the self injury, self hatred etc. Now I had 2 demons to fight - next to all the demons = injustices on this planet.

I managed to finish university, work for a number of years, but I knew there was MORE wrong with me. I was so exhausted all the time. I could never get out of bed. I blamed myself for years for being lazy, for being weak, for being a loser. I gave up on the idea of a family, my own home, children, a successful career....

Past forward 20 years, I finally got my dream job. A job fighting unfairness. But then hell broke lose. I was bullied at work, overworked, was not given the salary I should've. So I had to fight...fight...fight. For 3 years!!! While I lost my dad....while I had 2 unsuccessful surgeries on my spine....while I was suffering from severe anxiety and pain.

Now I am at home. Unable to get out, unable to be useful, unable to laugh, but also unable to be happy or be sad. I am just numb. I want to know why??? why so many times? All I wanted to in life was fight unfairness. Fight for the rights that are overlooked. Look at me now - guess who is invisible now? So my purpose? Was it just to survive???

Sorry for the vent
 

Dooi

Moderator
Joined
Feb 4, 2013
Messages
201
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
06/2012
Country
CA
Well, I know this feeling. I do think in North America we are told that we're so important and special that we all think we're here for some divine purpose.

I'll also say as someone that has seen the first hand affects of depression; you must get out, you must go out, you need sunlight, interactions with people, fresh air. No matter how bad you feel, it will make you feel a bit better.

Never give up, keep trying. We are all alive for something, I just don't know what. Perhaps it's just to struggle, learn, and to repeat.
 

brandib819

Active member
Joined
Dec 7, 2016
Messages
55
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
03/2008
Country
US
State
FL
A good start might be to start trying to find hobbies. It might be good to start small. I'm struggling with this myself. I'm only 28 and had to stop my career right out of college when I fell ill with two disabilities. I've been in and out of work since 21-27. Now I feel lost and don't know what to do. I think it's best to make a list of all the things you used to like to do and all of the things you like to do now. Compare them and try to combine them in a way that you can manage to do some of them of still in some manner. Then branch out in some larger things. Maybe volunteering, working part time. We can find our way back to our selves.
 

sunkacola

Moderator
Forum Supporter
Joined
Dec 2, 2016
Messages
2,312
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
00/0000
Country
US
I have found in my life that it is not only pointless, but also damaging, to ask "why?"
There is no answer.
Things just are as they are and happen as they happen.
I have had a hard life. Mind you, I also have been very fortunate. All of us on this forum are fortunate, because every one of us here has a roof over our heads, food to eat, clean water to drink and access to a computer. That is *far* more than millions of people in the world will ever have. I keep that in mind every single day.
But that doesn't mean my life has been easy for me, or that yours is easy for you either. Just a different kind of hard.
And if you waste energy asking "why me?" it won't help.
I don't, personally, think there's any such thing as a "purpose" in life, unless you decide to give yourself one and pursue it.
If it doesn't work, oh well. You are still luckier than a lot of people.
For many millions of people all they ever do in their lives is try barely to survive between one meal and the next, when they can even *get* food. Many don't survive at all.
Just because you are not out there saving the world doesn't mean you are worthless.
Just be glad you are surviving.
 

Eyesup

Senior member
Joined
Dec 11, 2015
Messages
376
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
12/2015
Country
US
State
FL
Ummm. I think with this disease we don't have to Look for purpose, purpose will find you. Right now you are in slump and finding it depressing to have to switch gears. You do have a purpose as we all do. God does not make mistakes, you are here for a reason if none other to learn to survive. But I think you are capable of more then that. You are on this forum for a reason..you don't have to be in a job or social sutuation to find what makes you tick, to help others or yourself. I know you think you know your purpose but often our purpose is not what we think it is so we continue to put a square peg into a round hole.

I think looking into natural treatments for depression may be helpful. And of course there are medicinal treatments. As David said, sunlight and laughter can help a lot.
You can keep beating yourself up or you can take a deep breath and relax...life is going to be there when your ready so don't fret.

Gentl hugs
 

LivingwRAAF

New member
Joined
Jan 29, 2017
Messages
4
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
00/0000
Country
US
State
Wisconsin
I believe that when I lost 3 jobs to my disability that I lost my identity, that was who I was compared to who I am today and still feel I have lost my identity. All I am here on this earth for is to fight the fight, fighting to stay strong and positive, fight the pain I endure each day, fight to tell my brain receptors that I have less pain than I actually am in, fight to have the up coming surgery's that I will have, fight the depression, fight the stress, fight the anxiety. These are all the things that a depressed person goes through or at least that is my take on it. To find a person that can relate to your pain can be stressful because you realize that they will never relate and can never give you advise. My husband for instance I can never give him up cause he is a keeper but he will never understand me. So don't hate them for that, you can only trust so many people and if they are available talk with them tell them how much you need them right now and say that there words are so important to you and help calm you. They can never take away the fights that you endure each day but they can certainly have that positive talk that helps in so many ways. Soon I will be going to a course of hospital care for 3 weeks this will or suppose to help me cope with my depressive mood that I have been in and I sure hope they can help me, all I can do is pray for myself to be healed of the depression and learn how to deal with it and maybe some other things too. I hope you find relief soon and can go back to being you, you are so talented and deserve to be person you know how to be, don't let others push you to your dark side, be brave and be strong to live on and live a beautiful life.
 

Forgetmenot

Legendary member
Joined
Oct 6, 2014
Messages
1,535
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
70/2010
Country
UK
State
Hertfordshire
when we are low,when we are down and lost,most of us ask our selfs why we are here.we all wish we were so much better.a big shot,someone .
I think maybe you should try to get to see a dr about your depression,maybe after so long they will send you to someone who can help.
Took me 43 years to find out I had bi polar,It's not hard being as smart as us apes are ,that we sometimes ask our selfs what the hell are we doing here.
Some ppl turn to God,some ppl turn against god.maybe we should all stop now and again and ask why we are here,and try to use it to improve our lot.
Small improvement are as great as big ones.
Weather you believe in angels gods and spirits ,I think we are all here for more then we have.dont stop asking why.use it.
 

Sugarplum

New member
Joined
Oct 19, 2016
Messages
6
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
01/2014
Country
US
State
AR
You have had lots of uphill battles in your life! The fact that you recognize that each of us has a purpose is a start toward feeling better mentally. The question you may want to ask yourself is, what am I good at, what comes naturally to me, what do I like to do etc. When you can see yourself objectively you may catch your unique self, your self that thinks or does things effortlessly.
Those moments may reveal your purpose. Do you sing, doodle on paper while on the phone, comfort your pets, bake a cake, read a magazine about something that interests you? If and when you recognize something that you enjoy and are good at that should point you in the direction of your purpose.
I pray you are comforted by the fact that you are truly not alone. You have sisters (mostly) who share your pain and discomfort. Most of all, you are loved.
 

Hope4all

Active member
Joined
Oct 31, 2016
Messages
52
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
01/2006
Country
US
State
MI
Vickithecat, it sounds like you are or have/been suffering, and I am so sorry you are going through this. We are here for a purpose, and our trials can be a blessing if we humble ourselves and turn to God. He can comfort and help us. He doesn't enjoy our suffering. He wants to help us. There are different reasons why bad things can happen, but God really can help us if we ask Him. I know that's true. Also, we can use what we go through to help others, and that can really help us feel better about what we have been through. I know it can be really hard to help others when we don't feel well, but maybe we can take one of our better moments and help someone or maybe it can be our motivation to ask for more help (medicine or whatever) so we can feel a little better. I agree with others on here that it may take some careful thinking to figure out what we are good at. I went through feeling like I lost some of who I was because I was an athlete and musician before, but I have found some new talents and found other ways to enjoy sports and music. I really hope you feel better and know that we are thinking of you.
 
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