When Do You Put Your Foot Down?

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apike

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Mar 25, 2014
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DX FIBRO
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I always feel like I have to do things for people. I don't know how to say "no." So, I end up stuck in this cycle where I'm constantly doing things for others and then I'm so tired, I'm too tired to even take a shower. I used to be pretty good at saying "no" when I couldn't do something but lately, I've just been saying "yes" to everything even though I feel overextended. I don't really feel like people around me understand that sometimes, I just need some breathing room. I need some time to relax and not stress. The stress just makes everything flare up. There are times I wish people just understood that it's not like I want to feel sluggish and tired and like I just can't go any further. I want to be completely awake, completely alert, 100% on top of things and maybe that's why I say yes all the time. Does anyone else do this? When do you put your foot down? Is anyone around you understanding of your CFS or Fibro?
 
It's the opposite for me now... I used to be a total "yes person" but it burned me out (not fibro related) and I got sick of it. My first instinct was to make excuses... I guess that was to validate my refusals or something. :smile:

But eventually you run out of excuses, ya know? At that point I just started saying "I wish I could help you, but it won't be possible this time."
 
Saying "no" isn't too hard for me, because I know how I feel when doing something I don't have energy for, but I've found if I say it too often people stop asking me... Or even stop talking to me. So I try to keep involved with friends and family, even on a light basis. I'm a rather introverted person anyway. I like people liking me and I love being a part of the family, but I like being alone a lot and I'm not bothered by missing out on most things. So I'm not afraid of missing out when we say no. For more important events, even if I say no to helping out, I make an effort to show up and show support.

Bottom line: I make it clear I value people, even when I can't help them. I support in anyway I can, even if it isn't in the way they need support.
 
I have the same problem. It's important to push those feelings out of the way and just say it. Put you and your health first. You may feel bad about it, but it is necessary sometimes.
 
Bottom line: I make it clear I value people, even when I can't help them. I support in anyway I can, even if it isn't in the way they need support.

I think that's a good bottom line. I've noticed that if people are mature, they won't have a problem with someone being honest with them about something like this.

There will always be the crybabies that will never be pleased, but there's nothing we can really do about that, I figure. :-D
 
I do the same thing. Its so hard not to help people but it takes its tole on you.
 
Generally, I have a pretty good support group. I live with my parents during the winter months as, they've retired in Mexico. They have a pretty good understanding of what I'm going through as they both have medical issues of their own. There are trying moments though. It took the doctor explaining to my mom, how sensitive I am to touch, before she understood why I insisted coats were not to be between us when sitting at a booth table. She now gets why I hate wearing jeans, too.

I got in an argument with my father, last week, because I told him I won't be pulling the garage door down after driving the car into the garage. He pretty much told me I was making excuses. Mom came over, wondering what was going on, and I told her, "dad is telling me that I'm lying about how much it hurts to pull that door down". He told her that she babies me, to which she agreed, but also said she understood that pain is tiring. He was in a bad car accident a few years ago where he broke his back. She reminded him that I feel what he did every day of my life and have been for 20 years. Needless to say, I haven't had to pull that door down since and he's ordered a garage door opener from Amazon so I won't have to do it when I'm house sitting and taking care of our animals.
 
I feel the same, apike. I used to be a yes person, until I could no longer handle stress, that's when I knew it was me or them. The most sane thing was to pick my own well being over being a people pleaser. I'm proud to say I now make little to no effort to please most people, those who truly appreciate me enough stayed, those who couldn't understand I sometimes can't help left. Good riddance actually. It's interesting to see who stays and who leaves in a situation like this, true friends stay... while those who only were after what you had to offer them left. A win-win in my opinion; less stress!
 
The last relationship I was in is what broke me. I was always obsequious, agreeable, non-confrontational but she pushed and pushed me, used me and eventually started abusing me when I didn't do everything she demanded. Finally I just said no, which was a good victory for me.
 
You also have to think of yourself and you should really remember that you don't have to say yes all the time. You have to know your limitations and you should not be imposing very hard targets for yourself. It will also help if you tell others of your condition, so that they will have less expectations of you and they won't also take it personally in case you say no. Also, remember that even when you keep on sacrificing for others, there will always be times when people still do not appreciate you and so you must not sacrifice too much just because you are afraid of getting rejected by others. Be fair to yourself.
 
It is sometime difficult to put your foot down. Close friends and family members take advantage of us because they know we will respond. HOWEVER, WHEN YOU ARE FLAT ON YOUR BACK AND UNABLE TO MOVE, THAT IS WHEN YOU WILL STOP AND THINK OF YOURSELF FIRST. You cannot help others until you recover from an episode of overwhelming exhausting.

Think of what Scotch said her/his post. People like me are non-confrontational. I will not argue so people take advantage of that. I now speak up but I try not to shout or raise my voice. I just say, "I can't do that today or this weekend." That is how I say NO!
When I was last in the hospital. I was amazed at how so many people got along without me. It was then I decided they can continue getting along without me!
 
I was pushed by abusive parents and other people my whole life to be a Yes person. It became so natural feeling to me, and the massive guilt at when I had to say no ate away at me. That's changed a lot. I now spend time mostly around other disabled people who understand "no" and "I can't", who know that when I mean "maybe" I'm not trying to push it off, I really mean "I might be physically/mentally able to, I might not".

I got so sick (pun unintended) of people telling me I was lying! And then, they force me to do something I didn't think I was able to do, and then either I do it and am in flares for ages but everyone chastises me like "oh you COULD do it, look at that!", or I do a terrible job, show up late and leave early etc, and people get mad at me for that. The fact is that I will say no when I technically could do something if I forced myself. People who aren't physically disabled or fatigued don't know how much energy everything takes, how much doing some things cost you. They don't see the internal workings of pain and presume that ability to do something once is an ability to do it forever, whenever. So frustrating.

Either way, YOU'RE the only person who knows if something is going to be too exhausting for you. Other people will presume. I still feel the need to help people and still feel guilty when I say no. But I know I'm the only person who will stand up for myself time and time again, and I feel good knowing that I'm taking care of myself.
 
Same here, my mom was abusive both physically and emotionally. So I grew up being an adult who found it so hard to say no, but now I do and even stand for myself. When I don't think something is right for me I just say it! I got tired of being stepped all over. I still feel guilty (a bit) when I go again what I thought it was my nature, like refuting something to a loved one (something I know isn't right), I still feel it, but it's becoming less and less. It's all about a balance, I think.
 
The last relationship I was in is what broke me. I was always obsequious, agreeable, non-confrontational but she pushed and pushed me, used me and eventually started abusing me when I didn't do everything she demanded. Finally I just said no, which was a good victory for me.

I was in a similar relationship as well and oh boy... have I changed! LOL. I actually thank that person for making me the person I am, no longer a pushover person. That person was so abusive and rude to me, then another person came, he was less rude but he still was very rude and not for me. Thanks to them I learnt to let go of those that are harming me instead of doing any good. I also learn to say no.
 
It's the opposite for me now... I used to be a total "yes person" but it burned me out (not fibro related) and I got sick of it. My first instinct was to make excuses... I guess that was to validate my refusals or something. :smile:

But eventually you run out of excuses, ya know? At that point I just started saying "I wish I could help you, but it won't be possible this time."

Exactly! I think you don't even need to find an excuse anymore if you can't do something for another person. Just say you can't, you just can't. You don't need to tire yourself any further trying to figure out what to say just so you won't offend the other person. Keep in mind that you can't please everyone and sometimes, no matter how much effort you exert, some people will still not like you. Therefore, if you have to refuse, just refuse, and spend that time for yourself instead.
 
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