Where Am I

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FiGhTn4LiFe

Active member
Joined
Sep 12, 2013
Messages
44
Diagnosis
09/2006
Country
US
State
PA
Where am I
The fog in my brain made ever so dense by the chemicals it's fed
I am lost
I search and I scream for the me that used to be
If only the pain was as numb as my brain
Where am I
My central nervous system is running on overlaod
My clothes feel strange against my skin
My digestive system is in constant chaos
My joints are on fire
My muscles are rigid and electric
A simple yet much needed hug is excruciating
I sleep and am never rested
Eternal fatigue
Where am I
I look in the mirror and stare back at me
But the me I see is not the me I used to be
Where am I

Sometimes things just come out this way. Thanks for listening!
 

1sweed

Moderator
Joined
Feb 4, 2013
Messages
1,956
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
01/1995
Country
US
State
Pennsylvania
"Where am I," It would seem right now, or when you wrote this you were here on the forum. Your words speak volumes felt and heard by so many. It is a screaming out for someone, anyone to just help yourself find your old life, and find yourself. It is beautifully written. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this subject.
 

FiGhTn4LiFe

Active member
Joined
Sep 12, 2013
Messages
44
Diagnosis
09/2006
Country
US
State
PA
Thank You 1sweed ... I was here when I wrote that. My husband read it and a light bulb came on for him. He has always been my rock and a true saint, but somehow this reached a much deeper place in him. Maybe it will help someone else understand a little more of what we go through everyday. That is my hope, my wish, my dream ...
 

cinderr

Senior member
Joined
Jul 31, 2013
Messages
213
Diagnosis
02/2008
Country
US
State
WI
I can certainly relate to this lovely poem. We are so disengaged, aren't we?
I often wonder if I'll wake up in the morning--do you ever feel that desperate? YOu know that song, Live like You Were Dying? I've come to do that recently. I can't do much but I try enjoy one thing per day. Some small thing like taking a short walk, like stopping at a garage sale, ice cream. I have also started, for the first time ever, putting myself first once in awhile. When I go to the store, I say,"buy only for cinder, no one else!" sometimes it pays off, not usually but sometimes.
Being selfish has gotten a lot of bad press; there is nothing wrong with placing yourself first---I have two ex husbands who did it all the time.
 

FiGhTn4LiFe

Active member
Joined
Sep 12, 2013
Messages
44
Diagnosis
09/2006
Country
US
State
PA
I can certainly relate to this lovely poem. We are so disengaged, aren't we?
I often wonder if I'll wake up in the morning--do you ever feel that desperate? YOu know that song, Live like You Were Dying? I've come to do that recently. I can't do much but I try enjoy one thing per day. Some small thing like taking a short walk, like stopping at a garage sale, ice cream. I have also started, for the first time ever, putting myself first once in awhile. When I go to the store, I say,"buy only for cinder, no one else!" sometimes it pays off, not usually but sometimes.
Being selfish has gotten a lot of bad press; there is nothing wrong with placing yourself first---I have two ex husbands who did it all the time.
cinderr
I used to go to sleep each night thinking tomorrow will be better. I no longer do that to myself. I'm not sure I have made it to the acceptance stage of grieving for my health. Not sure I ever will. I'm stuck in just plain old angry. My brain knows I would be better off but my heart yearns for the other me. I was active and funny and creative and now that soul is trapped in this shell of misery. I sometimes briefly wish to not wake in the morning but then the face of one of my beautiful girls will appear and remind me that I am loved and still have lot's of wisdom to share with them. (Ages 28, 25, 6, & 2) They are my world, my purpose, my love, and my anchor. Without them I would have given up long ago.
Good for you taking care of yourself! Right now I am just trying to remember I have a lot to be thankful for and clinging desperately to HOPE, cause without that, what is there?
I'm so glad you enjoyed and can relate to the poem. Thank you for sharing with me!
 

Trellum

Legendary member
Joined
Jul 17, 2013
Messages
1,788
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
04/2011
Country
NL
State
NL
Where am I
The fog in my brain made ever so dense by the chemicals it's fed
I am lost
I search and I scream for the me that used to be
If only the pain was as numb as my brain
Where am I
My central nervous system is running on overlaod
My clothes feel strange against my skin
My digestive system is in constant chaos
My joints are on fire
My muscles are rigid and electric
A simple yet much needed hug is excruciating
I sleep and am never rested
Eternal fatigue
Where am I
I look in the mirror and stare back at me
But the me I see is not the me I used to be
Where am I

Sometimes things just come out this way. Thanks for listening!

It might be my damn hormones, but... this poem made my eyes get teary! I do feel the same way, I often wonder where I am... the person I see is not the person I used to be! I try not to torture myself thinking what it'd be like to be that person again, because there is a huge chance I'll never be the same.

Thanks for sharing this <3 It was really beautiful!
 
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