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Joined
Aug 4, 2014
Messages
15
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
07/2014
Country
US
State
NY
I just don't see the point.

I'm only 18 and already I can't work, I can't leave my house, I have to cancel appointments left and right because moving is just too painful and the motion itself makes me impossibly nauseous. My girl left me because we haven't been able to see each other for a year now, we sold my horse because I can't even see him since last November, and now with no job I can't afford to keep him. These days I can't eat a damn thing without throwing up, and after getting up at 4:30 in the afternoon I wind up going to bed again by 9 because its all just too much to bear any longer. I can't even walk without a ****ing cane.

The lyrica and savella both gave me horrific side effects and no relief and until I can eat I can't take my new cymbalta or continue my vitamin D. The new nausea medication I got doesn't do shit and its one of the only options left since I've been on legit almost everything else I can take.

My friends are leaving for college now and since my fibro struck when I was 17 I couldn't even finish high school, and its not like I could go back even if I was physically able. Obviously no college is in the cards at this point either. On top of that, my home life is an absolute nightmare -- parents fighting and telling me to my face I'm never gonna get better -- and its looking like I'll.never be able to leave at this rate.

I dont find enjoyment in anything anymore. I dont have the stamina to sit up at my computer, my hands hurt too much to draw or write, I can't stand up without feeling pain and nausea and vertigo all at once, and even television and music just don't faze me anymore. People telling me to "just be positive :DD" make me ****ing sick these days just because I know they're mocking me, and if it didn't hurt to do so I would personally punch the next person who tells me "get up for sunshine and smiles and friends and happiness!" in the god damn face.

The past few months my thoughts have been consumed by ending it all, but since I have a five year history of plots and attempts to do just that, it would be too predictable, and its not like I have the energy anyway.

I'm not really asking for anything but validation of how I feel at this point, but not even that: this is the venting forum, so I'm here to vent. I can't guarantee I'll be here tomorrow or next week or next month or ever again, but I really want just one person to tell me 'yes, this is horrible, you're right' instead of spouting off impossible solutions to this never ending problem.
Thank you
 

1sweed

Moderator
Joined
Feb 4, 2013
Messages
1,956
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
01/1995
Country
US
State
PA
Yes, this is horrible and your right! You are welcome to come back and vent anytime and read some posts that may or may not improve your painful experience. Fibro is no bed of roses in fact it is more like a bed of thorns, but we try to make the best of it.

Have you ever looked into that software for computer that allows you to speak to the computer and it understands and prints what you say. It would solve your use of computer issues and make using it more enjoyable. I hope you don't give up and that you come here often. We are here to help you if you let us. :)
 
Joined
Aug 4, 2014
Messages
15
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
07/2014
Country
US
State
NY
Dragon? I have, but it's far too expensive. My parents cut me off from their money last year and now just ordering my groceries online (when I'm eating) is a crap shoot. Case in point: I had a blood test two weeks ago, so I had to put off food shopping for another week.

My money at this point is just what's left in my bank account (currently just under $700) and I somehow have to make that last...well, at this point, the rest of my life, so I can't afford to spend move that $10 on anything that isn't food or medication.

Thank you, by the way. Too often people just reply to stuff like this with "well you never know -- tomorrow could be so much better!" and I don't think its a far stretch to imagine why that shit pisses me off.
I'll consider coming back if I'm still around, but honestly, I dont know how good for me just talking about how horrible things are really is, y'know? And when there's nothing else really *to* talk about, I feel like it may just be best to leave. (also if I suddenly um disappear, no one would notice if I'm not an active member).
 

Ruralchick

Senior member
Joined
May 2, 2014
Messages
325
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
09/2013
Country
US
State
AZ
I'm pretty sure all of us have more than once wanted to do ourselves in. But somehow, I've read of a mother that can barely get out of bed to take care of her kids, find the courage. And others too. Perhaps their posts may help. Do you have the courage to "roll your sleeves up" and get on with this ugliness till things change (even a little change). Can you talk to your doctor about financial assistance,( like a social worker?) I could not get by without the Lord. And I will pray that He will give you exactly what/who you need to help. P.S. I had to sell my horses too. :-(
 

Loftpat

Senior member
Joined
Aug 12, 2013
Messages
374
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
08/2013
Country
US
State
ME
You're right. This sucks. And some days it sucks badly. When I get to the edge the only thing that holds me back from jumping is not letting fibro or depression be the boss of me. I understand you just want to vent with no suggestions. But I'm not good at following rules. Find a counselor who will skype your sessions if you can. It's worth a try. It's been a lifesaver for me.
 
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Joined
Aug 4, 2014
Messages
15
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
07/2014
Country
US
State
NY
I don't have courage. :'/ And to be fair I don't know of any counselors who will work for free and I really can't afford to pay one. My life is not worth crippling financial debt.

Honestly I sort of do want to let my fibro win though, just so maybe people will finally see how serious a problem it really is. Like, oh, if someone did *that* because of it, maybe it's a real problem after all. Maybe giving up my own life would help others in the end, because people will start taking them more seriously. Maybe those 'others' would be you guys.

If anyone knows of any counselors who would work for free, I miiiiight consider having a session with one to go over some stuff. Might. So if you know of any (I live in New York but I don't need them to be close at all), I wouldn't be object to getting their names.
 

shinebright

New member
Joined
Apr 15, 2014
Messages
6
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
00/1998
Country
CA
State
ON
Yes, this is horrible, you're right! I am so sorry for all of your pain and I can certainly understand your frustration, grief and anger. It's totally unfair. It's a bad hand to be dealt. I very much understand all of the missing out and giving up of things (and people) that you are experiencing.
I have lived with this illness for over 15 years (I was officially diagnosed at 19) and it is a hard road...or, at least it has been for me. I think the feeling of being powerless is one of the trickier emotions; along with finding ways to still be you while living with the illness.
I do want to encourage you though. Not in a pollyanna "the sun will come out tomorrow" kind of way, but hopefully, in a real way. Like I said, it is not an easy road, and there are times (lots of times), when your illness will rule your life, but what I've found, is that there are ebbs and flows - difficult days and better days. On the better days, in moderation (so you can have more better days :)), do thing things that you enjoy - write, draw, etc. and go places that you want to go.
You will experience beautiful and fulfilling moments - you truly will - and you will be able to live from your heart, from your place of passion. You will have those opportunities.
I am so sorry that it is especially difficult for you now. I invite you, when it feels right, to search out the information on this site or elsewhere to find things that may help manage it - like diet, activity logs, exercise, etc. When you're up to it, I encourage you to do all that is within your power; and, whatever isn't, work towards a place of acceptance.
I'm in the process of doing that myself...of creating a 'normal' that makes sense for me. It'll be different from the majority, which may hurt, but I believe it will equip me to live a more balanced and fulfilling life (less crashing when continually trying to be the majority 'normal').
I truly hope some of my words and ideas have helped, but if not, I really hope that you, at least, feel understood and supported.
 

1sweed

Moderator
Joined
Feb 4, 2013
Messages
1,956
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
01/1995
Country
US
State
PA
I was wondering if you would be able to work online. There are lots of easy jobs as well as, writing for blogs and other places. Doing surveys to earn money helps and selling off books you don't want or computer games or movies. I do lots of little things like that to add to my pocket change. Helps me get the extras I need that my small income does not cover. Read Day 7, of my blog here and see if anything sounds like something you could do. There are blogs that need stories about dealing with fibro and other health issues.

Could you apply for SSI or SSD? Some towns have meals on wheels for anyone who is home bound. Also food stamps would help your limited budget. I hope you don't give up on life, even as depressed as you are. We here do care about you!

I have heard Dragon is expensive, but online sometimes you can find it for a cheaper price or used software. Do you have any friends who could help you? I am sorry to hear your family is not supportive of you. Is there anything we can do to help you stay positive and come here to join in on the forum chats? :)
 

kerin49

Active member
Joined
Jul 24, 2014
Messages
47
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
05/2010
Country
US
State
Oregon
I have been ill with one thing or another most of my life, and I have had to do any and all jobs that I needed to in order to survive. I'm now 48 years old and trying for my 3rd attempt at some help with disability, but I do not have a lot of hope that I will get it. I have had Fibromyalgia for at least 20 years and unfortunately, most doctors do not seem to know how to help me out! We are much more educated than they are when it comes to this condition.

I have tried to get SSI and SSDI for my conditions, but at least up here in the northwest, they don't want to give it to anyone. I have a 20 year old son who also has some special needs and I have to survive for him. If I had my way and I didn't have him, I probably would have checked out years ago. Living like this is not living. I have been so stressed out for years too because I have not been able to keep a job with all of the pain and fatigue that I have from the Fibromyalgia as well as from my many other conditions. I am getting so close to being done!

I have no family or friends and I have been going on like this for years! I almost lost my house on Friday and I only have 2 weeks to come up with my rent again, I don't see it happening. As far as jobs online, I have tried for years to get one that will pay decently, but you have to typically sign up for a lot of those types of jobs if you want to see even a little bit of money. If anyone has any suggestions about an online site where I can make enough money to actually survive, I would really appreciate it. Thank you for any and all suggestions! I hope you all feel better soon, I am praying for all of us..
 

junebugrobts

Active member
Joined
Aug 14, 2014
Messages
49
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
08/1989
Country
US
State
oregon
My sister has a Dragon program, do you have a PC? it is totally possible you could get this program.
I doubt my sis has ever used it really, she is elderly and she and her husband neither one can
use the computer. So, let me know, and just to let you know I totally agree this fibro sucks and
so does the arthritis and Crohns disease. I have had worse days, months, years than just now.
Hang in there, it will get better. Write back if you want me to contact my sis about Dragon.
Good luck
 

junebugrobts

Active member
Joined
Aug 14, 2014
Messages
49
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
08/1989
Country
US
State
oregon
Why can't you get help through the wonderful obama health plan...wasn't that the idea to help those wjo
couldn't afford health care, what about state aid for cr;ying out loud you need an advocate, if if were
you i would keep on keeping on trying through agencies, state, federal, trying every way possible to
get help asap
 

Trellum

Legendary member
Joined
Jul 17, 2013
Messages
1,788
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
04/2011
Country
NL
State
NL
Hi there! You have the right to feelthe way you do! But have you considered telling your doctor the side effects of the meds you are taking are just awful? I don't know if anyone has pointed this out already, but those symptoms you mentioned are surely a side effect of the meds. It sounds to me like yiuyou could ask your doctor if maybe is possible to modify the doses or maybe try a new medication?

BTW, so sorry about what you are livingvat home. I survived thru something similar s well when I was younger! I understand how that makes you feel.
 

Lana

Senior member
Joined
Apr 6, 2014
Messages
223
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
05/2012
Country
CA
State
ON
I know how you feel, well maybe I don't because your 18 and I'm 48. The only thing I can tell you is that this Forum has been helping me. I think it will be good for you to. You can vent here and let it all out, Don't leave!
 

Mowmow

Active member
Joined
Aug 31, 2014
Messages
30
Reason
Other
Diagnosis
00/0000
Country
US
State
NY
I get how you feel. I been feeling this way for a long time. I tried to end it all when I was a teenager, several times. I ended up institutionalized for 6 months, being placed on several medications that just made it worse. There is no easy way out. I'm tired all the time and constantly in pain. I haven't been able to work for 5 years. I'm 25 now, I'm scared and anxious all the time. You are 18, there is a long way ahead of you. Believe me, I wanted to just end it all years ago, sometimes I still do, but I have 3 kids now. I can't just leave them. My parents didn't care much for me, they tell me it would be better if I wasn't born at all, yet they still want to see my kids. I still love them, I don't want to, but I do. Please, just stay strong. Find something that makes you happy and your life worth living. There are programs that can help you, free clinics, food stamps, go on welfare if you have to. I'm not gaurenteeing that tomorrow will be better, but if you can get the money troubles and find someone to connect to, life will be easier. I live in NY too by the way. Everything you have written reminds me so much of myself, I connect to your pain and hopelessness. Please do not give up!
 

katydid

Senior member
Joined
May 5, 2013
Messages
200
Reason
Other
Diagnosis
00/0000
Country
US
State
Somewhere
I'm worried about lethal-interjection,
he made a comment about how no one would notice if he was even an active member on the 14th,
posted once more on the 15th and his last log in was on the 16th....
I hope he comes back to let us know of he's okay...
If anyone got his contact info or anything please step up and make contact if you can!
 
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