Wish I could be doing more

[cynthia]

I'm actually not the fibro sufferer - it's my husband - but it's so hard on days where his symptoms are at their worst. Seeing someone you love being in pain, feeling like a wreck emotionally as well...I just wish I could be doing more, you know? I guess I even feel guilty for complaining/venting since I am just his spouse and not the one suffering - but I find that it's hard to feel happy when I see him struggling.

Is anyone else on here the spouse of someone with fibro? Or maybe if you're the one with fibro, how does your spouse deal with it?

I hate feeling powerless!

 

[Ruralchick]

Cynthia, When my toddler had cancer it affected the entire family; my FM also affects my family. The sufferer doesn't suffer alone, YOU are also involved. Some times the caregiver has a worse time of it; the lion's share of the work and worry, and helplessness! My husband has shown me what a servant's heart should be like as he tries to make me comfortable on my worse days and more often than not keeps his patience with me. I try very hard not to take it out on him!
So encourage him through the depression, let him know you aren't going anywhere and try to be patient with him. Then get some time for yourself!

 

[cynthia]

Cynthia, When my toddler had cancer it affected the entire family; my FM also affects my family. The sufferer doesn't suffer alone, YOU are also involved. Some times the caregiver has a worse time of it; the lion's share of the work and worry, and helplessness! My husband has shown me what a servant's heart should be like as he tries to make me comfortable on my worse days and more often than not keeps his patience with me. I try very hard not to take it out on him!
So encourage him through the depression, let him know you aren't going anywhere and try to be patient with him. Then get some time for yourself!

Thank you...I really have been feeling guilty for feeling the way I was, like I shouldn't be getting upset because I wasn't the one with the illness...and then feeling guilty was making me feel worse. I just sometimes wish I could share his pain, you know? Take some of it away for a while. If only to get a better understanding of what he goes through.

You have a kind heart - thank you for reaching out. And I'm sorry you had to go through having a child with cancer. I can't imagine how tough that would have been as a parent. Hugs to you!

 

[Forgetmenot]

Ruralchick.i can't imagine the pain of having a child with cancer .
Cynthia .you go through the same feeling as your hubby ,apart from the pain,pls stop beating yourself up . You have nothing to feel guilty about.and your hubby needs normal around him.
And in fact I'd say you need time for yourself. That way you won't start to resent this illness to.the fact that u care enough to come here says a lot. And pls stick around and join in the convos. I hope we can help the both of u.xx

 

[Eyesup]

Rualchick I'm sorry to hear the pain of what you and your family went through. It is unimaginable to think of going through that with a child.

Cynthia I also have been on both sides of the coin. My first husband died of brain tumors. I felt guilty, helpless and frustrated daily. I too wished God would have divided up the pain. Life is so unfair at times.

Now I've seen tears in my own husbands eyes when he realized I wasn't getting better and nothing was going to help, he couldn't even touch my arm without me crying out. He, for the most part ignores it until I am bad for days, then he starts helping me. This is when I'm greatful to have him. He gives me time to try on my own then kicks in when it's obvious I can't. Not when he feels useless, not when he's frustrated and not when he feels guilty. But when he shows his love by just helping. He asks daily how I am. He doesn't push or ask me to elaborate. If I'm bad he says bummer and what can I bring home for dinner. And if I'm good he gives a smiley face and ask what's for dinner! He makes me feel like it's ok either way. It's ok to be me! What a relief! He loves me just the same.
I want my life to be about living despite fibromyalgia not consumed because of it. I feel bad enough. If I had to add him feeling guilty to my problems that would just be one more straw on the camels back.

Love him, check on his condition and help him cheerfully. Help his life be as guilt free as possable. THAT is priceless.
And on good days enjoy each other to the fullest. Accepting the limitation but enjoying life just the same!

Everyone is different. But I doubt you would love him so much if he wasn't a great guy and great guys don't want their wives unhappy. But If in doubt, ask him. I'm betting the last thing he wants is for you to feel unhappy.

 

[diamond]

Lovely post Eyesup. I think knowing your partner is there however you are with love and caring and help when you need it is priceless!

Not sympathy but empathy as far as is possible.....helping you be part of 'normal' life as is at all possible so that your illness is kind of minimalized ....as if like Eyesup says, however you are it is accepted.


Cynthia you sound like you are doing a great job and are a great wife....you hubby will value that so much.

I know my partner feels all those things including powerless and worried and low mood when my health is bad.....I realize from reading on here that's normal but I have to say from my point of view only it kind of makes me feel very responsible for the negative feelings he's enduring because of me....which equals guilt.

If I know he's happy and I feel I make him happy regardless of fibro that feels amazingly good!

Is there a carers support group you could join online or in person.

We have them in the UK.....but maybe just being girly and catching up with friends even if its on the phone and keeping an interest in a hobby will keep your spirits up.

It will also help your hubby as we fibro sufferers don't feel part of the world the way we once did so if our partner brings interesting conversations into our lives sharing things they've done or people they have spoken to it helps us too. x

 

[Ruralchick]

All good advice! Cynthia, I sure hope it helps you. And DO make time for yourself!