New and need help with family problems

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Linda B

New member
Joined
May 17, 2014
Messages
3
Reason
DX FIBRO
Diagnosis
10/2012
Country
US
State
CA
I was first diagnosed with peripheral neuropathy in 2004-5. The pain became worse each day-month-year. I moved cities and now I have an FM diagnosis which makes more sense to me. I continue to have all the neuropathy symptoms plus FM.

Biggest current problem is I have lost my daughter. I have started (about 2 years ago) lashing out when I'm backed in a corner or provoked. I have said things to my daughter that I would never say to anyone such as "shut up b----!" A real fight or flight response. I cannot help it. I don't know it's coming. I know I'm feeling very agitated but...HELP! My daughter says that's rediculous, that I have full control over my responses. I have been reading a lot again lately and find some reference to that kind of behavior but would like to have some FM people that may have run into this. I want & need my daughter. This separation is causing me so much stress and more pain. If there is a previous discussion, can you direct me there, please?
 
I'm so sorry to hear that your pain has become such a stresser in your relationship with your daughter.... Honestly, if my mom and I didn't have a lot of the same pain problems,our rerelationship would probably suffer too... I remember being younger, and I didn't fully understand mom's pain, and I'd say something and get a nasty response...And now i know, it's not my mom talking, it's the pain talking... This type of pain can take on its one personality... I do it myself sometimes, something nasty will come out of my mouth and all I can do is think, no why did I say that, that's not what I meant or wanted to say!
Is there anyway you can find someone, a counselor to talk to one, where you go in, and after maybe you and your daughter go in and you can both learn and understand the situation better?
I feel for you, I really do, it's not you though, please remember that, it's your pain talking. I think it would really help to talk to someone to maybe learn some coping techniquesand such, and maybe hhave your daughter see what it's really like for you.
Personally when my pain is that bad, I hibernate, so I don't say something I'll regret or not mean... Sometimes you have no control over it tho...

Maybe if some others can comment here as well about their experiences, have your daughter take a look at this thread.... It might be an eye-opener for her to see its not just you, and that we don't always have control over our bodies or minds or mouths..... Lol
I didn't understand until I was put in the same position as my mom, and now I regret ever doubting her or saying/thinking the same things your daughter has....
And to be honest, not saying she won't, but some people just never get it..... I hope she will in time come to understand when to back down or let it go, and I hope you can find some peace as well. I really think finding someone to talk to could really help you, and I dont mean just talking with us, I mean a professional. Im not ashamed to say, I've seen a pain psychologist. I'm currently looking for a new psychologist, because the last one just wasn't right for me personally, but I really think it could help you....

Good luck, and if you ever need to talk, vent, anything, we're here for you!
 
Katie, you have no idea (yes, you probably do) how much I appreciate your response and empathy. I am in the process of getting a proper referral to a pain psychologist and will start physical therapy next week AND read this board! Thanks again. I don't think my daughter is prepared to open her mind and heart just yet. I have resisted getting into negative conversations with her. She is also holding her daughter hostage. This is my granddaughter that I was granny/nanny to from birth to 10 years old. No family holidays, no calls, no text, no email, nothing until I promise not to say anything like that again. I can't promise that at this point so there is no communication. I call my granddaughter at her father's house when I can reach her. She is suffering also because we have such a symbiotic relationship; the love is mutual and very deep. Enough! I am now going to quit whining. Thank you again.
 
Linda B. I am going to be painfully honest here. I have this disease fibro but I have been on the other end of my daughters rage attacks and I have separated myself from her. Not for one time but several times. Your daughter is doing the right thing and she is having healthy boundaries. I believe that no matter how bad our pain gets, it does not give us the right to lash out at people. However, if you think you can get help for the issue and make sure you NEVER do it again. Maybe go to a counselor and have them teach you ways to stop before you lash out. I'm sure if you admit to your daughter what you did was wrong, let down your pride, and you are getting help and you will NEVER do it again, she will want to come back to you. I'm sure she misses you too! PS. My daughter doesn't just lash out, she puts on an all out texting, name calling, all day attack against me and blames it on bipolar. No, Im sorry, I do not believe a disease can make you act ugly to people. Having said that, I hope you get help and get back with your daughter soon.
 
Katie, you have no idea (yes, you probably do) how much I appreciate your response and empathy. I am in the process of getting a proper referral to a pain psychologist and will start physical therapy next week AND read this board! Thanks again. I don't think my daughter is prepared to open her mind and heart just yet. I have resisted getting into negative conversations with her. She is also holding her daughter hostage. This is my granddaughter that I was granny/nanny to from birth to 10 years old. No family holidays, no calls, no text, no email, nothing until I promise not to say anything like that again. I can't promise that at this point so there is no communication. I call my granddaughter at her father's house when I can reach her. She is suffering also because we have such a symbiotic relationship; the love is mutual and very deep. Enough! I am now going to quit whining. Thank you again.

I definitely get it! Like I said, I've been on both ends, your daughter's and yours... I mean, our pain isn't an excuse really, but when we can't control it, it controls us...
I personally feel the other poster was, as they said, 'painfully honest'... You definitely need to gain Control of your pain, body and mind....
I guess I can kind of understand your daughter withholding your granddaughter from you, as she could be afraid you may lash out at her as you have to your daughter... That's got to be adding even more stress to the situation at hand!... It's not fair, but as you and I know, life isn't fair- if it was, none of us would be here! Lol I am glad you're in the process of getting into a pain psychologist! They'll be able to not only help you learn to cope with your pain and stress better, be an outlet and safe place to talk and vent, but they'll also be able to help you understand how your brian interprets pain, and help you learn and understand certain triggers....
I think it might be a good idea to let your daughter know you're seeking help with this aspect of the disease... Maybe keep her updated thru emails or something where you can take your time writing and making sure you do that say something you don't really want to... And that way it can start to open the lines of communication for you guys to where it's more level-headed and light, not the way it has been.....

Please keep us updated on your journey! And let us know how the psychologist goes! Remember to be open minded yourself.... I know when I first went, I hated it.... I had to figure out for myself why I needed it... I think you've already figured that out, but you will have to keep an open mind to change and that can be hard. I hope, in time, your daughter will open her mind and heart to not only your relationship but your disease and pain....

It's so sad that fibromyalgia not only hurts the sufferer, but the family and friends of those who suffer....
Remember, Don't let it control you! Fibro has already taken so much from you, it's time to fight the fibro not your family.... And dont do it for your daughter, do it for you! It's time to take some of your life back!
:)
I know you can do it!
Gentle hugs, and best wishes!
 
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