LovelyChantel
Active member
- Joined
- Mar 23, 2015
- Messages
- 34
- Reason
- DX FIBRO
- Diagnosis
- 01/2015
- Country
- US
- State
- AK
First of all, sorry for the length of this.
So I had an appointment for my fibromyalgia. I've been told I have it but was getting some more tests ran. I've never seen this doctor before. She was nice at first (and remained 'nice' throughout the appointment). I say 'nice' because some of the stuff she said to me really rubbed me the wrong way and frankly p*ssed me off.
For starters, the night before and morning of my appointment was very emotionally difficult for me. The night before my boyfriend and I had been drinking. He drank a lot more than me. I wasn't drunk. But I could feel it. My body was hurting so bad and I could hardly stand it. I also had a severe headache (due to being triggered/dissociative). My boyfriend and I were watching a movie at this point. He was irritated that I wasn't having fun with him. I told him I was hurting too much. He understands but it's discouraging for him. I understand this. He also has a lot of crap he keeps inside because he doesn't want to bother me with it for fear he will make me worse maybe, I don't know. So eventually he breaks down.
Well he ended up raving about how he's not happy and he is going to leave me because he's not happy. I'm bawling because I am hurting so much and I don't want him to leave. But I understand. A lot more happens. I can't go on. The rest was pretty re-traumatizing to me (it felt like I was being attacked) and it triggered me to have flashbacks of past abusers and ways they hurt me. It also put me into a dissociative state and caused hysteria. He wasn't planning this to happen. Unfortunately sometimes I react to things that aren't threatening as a result of my past.
The next day my boyfriend was so angry at himself. He said he was really sorry for how he acted and he said I deserve better. He said he just holds stuff in and doesn't talk about stuff. But that's not healthy I explained to him. (But it wasn't until after my appointment that we had this heart-to-heart.)
So all day I was anxious and terrified he was going to leave me and I had this feeling of dread in my gut. And thus at my appointment was very anxious. Bear this in mind while I continue.
So I get to the clinic at 8:15 am, my appointment is at 8:30.
I get called back to the exam room by the nurse. She takes my vitals and weight. She asks me about my history, current diagnoses, list of complaints, past/current medical/surgical history, and family history.
She inquired further upon my mention of C-PTSD, MDD and ADHD as a few of my (many) diagnoses. She leaves.
Doctor comes in. Asks me more in-depth versions of questions nurse asked. I understand this. I'm a nurse too. I know how these things go.
She asks about my childhood. I am honest. I know it has to do with what I'm currently experiencing. I told her about the abuse. I told her I was psychologically abused/tortured, physical abuse and possible forms of physical torture as a child too (sometimes hidden in the form of 'games'). I told her there could possibly even have been sexual abuse but that I'm not sure what "that" was yet.
I also went on to tell her I was r*ped countless times from ages 17-19, 20, and 21. I didn't tell her about the severe physical abuse/torture and other abuses that happened during these times. There was A LOT of stuff I didn't tell her about from my childhood also. She didn't need to know the extra-graphic details. I just told her enough. She was writing it all down.
Then I started to tell her my symptoms. I explained the tender points throughout my body. I stated how it hurts to be physically touched sometimes. I told her about the overall body aches and migraines. I told her about this chronic exhaustion/fatigue I've been having. I don't feel like I can get enough sleep ever. The pain hurts so bad I shout out loud sometimes in pain.
She just took note. And then she started asking me some questions.
First she said, "I can see you're anxious. You're shaking your foot and leg an awful lot and can't seem to sit still. This is your ADHD and you're not medicated enough."
"I told you earlier that I am currently coming off all of my medications and that I don't want to be on medicines."
"Yes, I know but I don't think you're on enough medicines. You shouldn't be tapping your leg like that. You seem anxious."
"Yes I am anxious. If you want to know, I'm anxious because my boyfriend told me last night when he was drunk that he isn't happy and he wants to leave. I don't know what I'll do if he leaves."
"Are you saying you're suicidal?"
"No, I'm saying I don't know what I will do. I'm saying I will probably be suicidal yes, will I act on it? No. I will more likely check myself into a psych ward. I can't handle that at all right now. He is all I have. I mean, I have family too." I was coming close to crying while talking about this.
"You look like you're going to cry. You're depression isn't being treated properly. You're not supposed to cry."
"It's okay to cry. If my boyfriend leaves me it's okay to be sad. Yes, I'm anxious but I honestly have been pretty good with my PTSD, depression, and anxiety symptoms. It's only when I'm triggered that I can super out-of-it. I can generally talk myself down. My boyfriend and I do mediation, relaxation techniques, massage, and we have a very great relationship. And I don't want to be on medicines."
"Okay darlin' I get it; no medicines. Just know I think you should be medicated." She gives me some anxiety/PTSD, depression, and ADHD self-tests to do. I answered them based on a normal, good day. Not how I was feeling that day. And once she saw them she was more at ease. I tried to explain to her that I wasn't ALWAYS that anxious. She needs to listen more.
My mom is the one who told me to go to this doctor. They used to work together (my mom works in healthcare) and she is also friends with my dad. My mom told me to tell Shelly (first name of doctor) hello. So I did. Immediately she stood up and gave me a hug.
"I love your parents. They're such great people. Do you and your dad still go hunting together? You have your parents to rely on. They can support you with this."
"No we no longer hunt together. We aren't as close as we used to be." I could tell she wanted to know why. And I was honest with her.
"A couple years ago when I was 21 my dad's best friend r*ped me. My dad was in the room a few feet away from where it happened."
The first thing that comes out of her mouth was, "Were you drunk?"
"Yes I was. That does NOT make it okay. I didn't deserve to be r*ped. I trusted this guy 100%. He was like a second father to me. I've known him since I was a child and never in my life would I have thought he'd do this to me. I didn't scream because there was a smaller child in the room and also weapons. I didn't want my dad to freak out and grab a gun. If that child had gotten hit with a bullet I'd never have forgiven myself. As much as I wanted my dad to help me I did what I thought was the right move at the time. My dad woke up during the r*pe and called out to me. I told him to go back to sleep because I was scared what would happen. He did just that. But a few weeks after it happened, I confronted my dad because I couldn't take the secret anymore. My dad told me that he knew the whole time what was happening to me. He KNEW. But since I didn't take his "out" he gave me it's my fault. And he also said, that judging by the sounds I was making, I was enjoying it. I tried to explain to him tha what he heard was me stifling screams/sobs. I also tried to tell him that I was dissociative and drunk and that I was terrified/paralyzed/frozen. But he didn't believe any of that. He said I'm making excuses up so I'll feel like it isn't my fault when it completely is (HIS opinion). And Shelly, even though I told him "Dad go back to sleep." I had such terror in my voice. He couldn't have not heard it. Also, I've been told by many people he should have helped me anyway regardless of what I said because I am his daughter. He also said, "If you go to court no one will believe you. It's not like he even hurt you. Where are your bruises? It's your word against his. Besides, do you really want to ruin his life and cause a divorce and cause his kids to hate him? You need to take responsibility for this too." So no Shelly I don't go hunting with him anymore."
Her reply to me, "Well I am sure he meant well. Your parents are really great people and they love you and you should talk to them more and reach out to them when you're hurting and depressed."
I just nodded my head. I could tell she was on "their side". Not that I want her to choose sides. But she still seemed to be under the impression that I was to blame for the r*pe and that I should be all jolly good with my family and that I should just go back to hunting and making my parents happy.
As I was leaving she said, "I hope your parents never hurt you as a child."
I just looked at her and said, "Yeah that would be a shame wouldn't it." And shook my head as I was leaving. I was abused by my family. I was abused by my immediate and non-immediate family (infancy-16) and also by many people at my school (K-12th grades). And then ages 17-21 was r*ped and abused by 3 different men one of which was my dad's friend. So forgive me if I don't always want to reach right out to my parents for support.
Just because she knows my family she thinks she knows what's best for me. And I felt like she was judging me the whole time. She shamed me a few times also. She looked at my wrists and saw I had scars.
"Do you hurt yourself?"
"Yes. Those are old. I've been self-harming as a way to cope since I was a very small child - single digits. But I haven't done it in months and am working really hard to develop better coping mechanisms"
"Shame on you for doing that."
"I was a child. It's the only way I could cope with what was happening to me."
"I'm sure that hurt your parents." is all she said. She said this also when I mentioned my anorexia nervosa. She shamed me. Who does that? How is that going to help me?
Definitely not going back to her.
So I had an appointment for my fibromyalgia. I've been told I have it but was getting some more tests ran. I've never seen this doctor before. She was nice at first (and remained 'nice' throughout the appointment). I say 'nice' because some of the stuff she said to me really rubbed me the wrong way and frankly p*ssed me off.
For starters, the night before and morning of my appointment was very emotionally difficult for me. The night before my boyfriend and I had been drinking. He drank a lot more than me. I wasn't drunk. But I could feel it. My body was hurting so bad and I could hardly stand it. I also had a severe headache (due to being triggered/dissociative). My boyfriend and I were watching a movie at this point. He was irritated that I wasn't having fun with him. I told him I was hurting too much. He understands but it's discouraging for him. I understand this. He also has a lot of crap he keeps inside because he doesn't want to bother me with it for fear he will make me worse maybe, I don't know. So eventually he breaks down.
Well he ended up raving about how he's not happy and he is going to leave me because he's not happy. I'm bawling because I am hurting so much and I don't want him to leave. But I understand. A lot more happens. I can't go on. The rest was pretty re-traumatizing to me (it felt like I was being attacked) and it triggered me to have flashbacks of past abusers and ways they hurt me. It also put me into a dissociative state and caused hysteria. He wasn't planning this to happen. Unfortunately sometimes I react to things that aren't threatening as a result of my past.
The next day my boyfriend was so angry at himself. He said he was really sorry for how he acted and he said I deserve better. He said he just holds stuff in and doesn't talk about stuff. But that's not healthy I explained to him. (But it wasn't until after my appointment that we had this heart-to-heart.)
So all day I was anxious and terrified he was going to leave me and I had this feeling of dread in my gut. And thus at my appointment was very anxious. Bear this in mind while I continue.
So I get to the clinic at 8:15 am, my appointment is at 8:30.
I get called back to the exam room by the nurse. She takes my vitals and weight. She asks me about my history, current diagnoses, list of complaints, past/current medical/surgical history, and family history.
She inquired further upon my mention of C-PTSD, MDD and ADHD as a few of my (many) diagnoses. She leaves.
Doctor comes in. Asks me more in-depth versions of questions nurse asked. I understand this. I'm a nurse too. I know how these things go.
She asks about my childhood. I am honest. I know it has to do with what I'm currently experiencing. I told her about the abuse. I told her I was psychologically abused/tortured, physical abuse and possible forms of physical torture as a child too (sometimes hidden in the form of 'games'). I told her there could possibly even have been sexual abuse but that I'm not sure what "that" was yet.
I also went on to tell her I was r*ped countless times from ages 17-19, 20, and 21. I didn't tell her about the severe physical abuse/torture and other abuses that happened during these times. There was A LOT of stuff I didn't tell her about from my childhood also. She didn't need to know the extra-graphic details. I just told her enough. She was writing it all down.
Then I started to tell her my symptoms. I explained the tender points throughout my body. I stated how it hurts to be physically touched sometimes. I told her about the overall body aches and migraines. I told her about this chronic exhaustion/fatigue I've been having. I don't feel like I can get enough sleep ever. The pain hurts so bad I shout out loud sometimes in pain.
She just took note. And then she started asking me some questions.
First she said, "I can see you're anxious. You're shaking your foot and leg an awful lot and can't seem to sit still. This is your ADHD and you're not medicated enough."
"I told you earlier that I am currently coming off all of my medications and that I don't want to be on medicines."
"Yes, I know but I don't think you're on enough medicines. You shouldn't be tapping your leg like that. You seem anxious."
"Yes I am anxious. If you want to know, I'm anxious because my boyfriend told me last night when he was drunk that he isn't happy and he wants to leave. I don't know what I'll do if he leaves."
"Are you saying you're suicidal?"
"No, I'm saying I don't know what I will do. I'm saying I will probably be suicidal yes, will I act on it? No. I will more likely check myself into a psych ward. I can't handle that at all right now. He is all I have. I mean, I have family too." I was coming close to crying while talking about this.
"You look like you're going to cry. You're depression isn't being treated properly. You're not supposed to cry."
"It's okay to cry. If my boyfriend leaves me it's okay to be sad. Yes, I'm anxious but I honestly have been pretty good with my PTSD, depression, and anxiety symptoms. It's only when I'm triggered that I can super out-of-it. I can generally talk myself down. My boyfriend and I do mediation, relaxation techniques, massage, and we have a very great relationship. And I don't want to be on medicines."
"Okay darlin' I get it; no medicines. Just know I think you should be medicated." She gives me some anxiety/PTSD, depression, and ADHD self-tests to do. I answered them based on a normal, good day. Not how I was feeling that day. And once she saw them she was more at ease. I tried to explain to her that I wasn't ALWAYS that anxious. She needs to listen more.
My mom is the one who told me to go to this doctor. They used to work together (my mom works in healthcare) and she is also friends with my dad. My mom told me to tell Shelly (first name of doctor) hello. So I did. Immediately she stood up and gave me a hug.
"I love your parents. They're such great people. Do you and your dad still go hunting together? You have your parents to rely on. They can support you with this."
"No we no longer hunt together. We aren't as close as we used to be." I could tell she wanted to know why. And I was honest with her.
"A couple years ago when I was 21 my dad's best friend r*ped me. My dad was in the room a few feet away from where it happened."
The first thing that comes out of her mouth was, "Were you drunk?"
"Yes I was. That does NOT make it okay. I didn't deserve to be r*ped. I trusted this guy 100%. He was like a second father to me. I've known him since I was a child and never in my life would I have thought he'd do this to me. I didn't scream because there was a smaller child in the room and also weapons. I didn't want my dad to freak out and grab a gun. If that child had gotten hit with a bullet I'd never have forgiven myself. As much as I wanted my dad to help me I did what I thought was the right move at the time. My dad woke up during the r*pe and called out to me. I told him to go back to sleep because I was scared what would happen. He did just that. But a few weeks after it happened, I confronted my dad because I couldn't take the secret anymore. My dad told me that he knew the whole time what was happening to me. He KNEW. But since I didn't take his "out" he gave me it's my fault. And he also said, that judging by the sounds I was making, I was enjoying it. I tried to explain to him tha what he heard was me stifling screams/sobs. I also tried to tell him that I was dissociative and drunk and that I was terrified/paralyzed/frozen. But he didn't believe any of that. He said I'm making excuses up so I'll feel like it isn't my fault when it completely is (HIS opinion). And Shelly, even though I told him "Dad go back to sleep." I had such terror in my voice. He couldn't have not heard it. Also, I've been told by many people he should have helped me anyway regardless of what I said because I am his daughter. He also said, "If you go to court no one will believe you. It's not like he even hurt you. Where are your bruises? It's your word against his. Besides, do you really want to ruin his life and cause a divorce and cause his kids to hate him? You need to take responsibility for this too." So no Shelly I don't go hunting with him anymore."
Her reply to me, "Well I am sure he meant well. Your parents are really great people and they love you and you should talk to them more and reach out to them when you're hurting and depressed."
I just nodded my head. I could tell she was on "their side". Not that I want her to choose sides. But she still seemed to be under the impression that I was to blame for the r*pe and that I should be all jolly good with my family and that I should just go back to hunting and making my parents happy.
As I was leaving she said, "I hope your parents never hurt you as a child."
I just looked at her and said, "Yeah that would be a shame wouldn't it." And shook my head as I was leaving. I was abused by my family. I was abused by my immediate and non-immediate family (infancy-16) and also by many people at my school (K-12th grades). And then ages 17-21 was r*ped and abused by 3 different men one of which was my dad's friend. So forgive me if I don't always want to reach right out to my parents for support.
Just because she knows my family she thinks she knows what's best for me. And I felt like she was judging me the whole time. She shamed me a few times also. She looked at my wrists and saw I had scars.
"Do you hurt yourself?"
"Yes. Those are old. I've been self-harming as a way to cope since I was a very small child - single digits. But I haven't done it in months and am working really hard to develop better coping mechanisms"
"Shame on you for doing that."
"I was a child. It's the only way I could cope with what was happening to me."
"I'm sure that hurt your parents." is all she said. She said this also when I mentioned my anorexia nervosa. She shamed me. Who does that? How is that going to help me?
Definitely not going back to her.
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