Flying Banana 😠😠

[youngatheart]

So my brother moved his girlfriend in to my house, telling me she would be here to help me with housework and things I can't do on a regular basis. I was okay with this... at first. Then she started to say little things to me "Oh, you could do more if you wanted to" " I know so-and-so they have FM and can sweep their floors, why can't you? " I would calmly try to explain and she would just be like "whatever" or cut me off telling me I was just making excuses. (I have been having a major flare of FM and my arthritis for the past two weeks). I know my temper and would just bite my tongue and walk away because she obviously was not going to be rational.
Now, mind you all she has done for me is the floors once a week, occasionally wash dishes, and cook dinner for the entire household one night a week.
She has hung houseplants all over my house (without asking), replaced my sectional with a smaller couch (also without asking), and a slew of other things that were getting under my skin.
Fast forward to today and I discovered she had thrown out some of my good produce. "To make more room in the fridge." Meanwhile there are weeks old leftovers and leftovers she brings home from work in the fridge. So I went and threw it all out. When she asked about it I told her "Yes, I threw it out to make room in the fridge." (Maybe a little petty ) She then proceeded to tell me off. Well, I have a lot of pent up anger from all her little digs and her basically forgetting who's house this is. I responded "Don't throw my food out and why did you leave all that other *$%7 in the fridge? Maybe you need a reminder whose house this is." Her: " Well you're always saying you eat the leftovers for lunch so I left them. Maybe if you got off your *butt* and did something."
Really!?
I threw the project I was working on to the ground, got out of my recliner, hobbled to the kitchen, and started giving it to her. My brother then jumped in and started to yell at me defending her. He began parroting her.
My pain level at this point has me ready to pass out.
I begin to cry and tell my brother that he knows I do what I can when I can and most days I still do more than my body wants me too.
She returns and tells me to "stop crying. you're just being manipulative, stop trying to manipulate him"
I grabbed a banana and threw it at her, it glanced the side of her head and told her to get the "duck" out of my house.
I am not proud of my behavior, but my pain level has gone way down!

 

[JayCS]

I am not proud of my behavior, but my pain level has gone way down!

Hmm, I'm not sure why you shouldn't be proud of putting your anger where it came from in this way, considering the state you'd got into and the need to throw it out of your system.
Easy to follow why you couldn't nip all this in the bud - past weeks in a flare was the wrong moment to get down and start talking about various severities of fibro and what a flare means.

But that'd I spose be one of the constructive solutions that could now come, along with a definite "treaty" to co-operate better, if you can agree to that at all, after all this.
Pain level down would for me mean cortisol/adrenaline is up and masking the pain of the emotional upheaval, so this needs to be used as cautiously as possible for recovering and praps inklings of what a solution might feel like...

 

[youngatheart]

@JayCS we were able to talk constructively after we all calmed down. They explained some things that they were feeling (e.g. unappreciated) and I was able to talk to them about how my conditions affect what, when, and how much I can do. We all agreed that we need to start communicating with each other more.

As to the pain relief, honestly after releasing the anger, my stress and anxiety levels are much lower and for the first time in two years I woke up this morning with a pain <5. Of course it's back up now due to me taking advantage of being able to do some housework. However, I did force myself to stop when I felt the pain ratcheting back up. (Still struggling with pacing myself, getting better at it though )

 

[JayCS]

We all agreed that we need to start communicating with each other more.
...for the first time in two years I woke up this morning with a pain <5.
...pacing myself, getting better at it though

That all sounds really good! (Had this all been building up two years?!... phew!)

 

[youngatheart]

(Had this all been building up two years?!... phew!)

No, I actually have never met her (even though they've been off and on the past 27 years) until she moved here 4 months ago.

 

[JayCS]

off and on the past 27 years) until she moved here 4 months ago.

Ooooh, that sounds like a delicate condition in itself... stably unstable...

 

[youngatheart]

stably unstable...

I like that! Good way to put it

 

[BlueBells]

So my brother moved his girlfriend in to my house, telling me she would be here to help me with housework and things I can't do on a regular basis.

Hi @youngatheart

Was the idea discussed with you beforehand or have they just done this of their own choosing? It almost sounds like abuse, the way I read it.

It sounds like the arrangement is excellent for them. How much rent are they paying? Do they put into all the household costs?

If they are pushing you around and not respecting your rights and causing you stress, maybe the arrangement is not working out so well.

@JayCS we were able to talk constructively after we all calmed down. They explained some things that they were feeling (e.g. unappreciated) and I was able to talk to them about how my conditions affect what, when, and how much I can do. We all agreed that we need to start communicating with each other more.

I hope this all works out for all of you. It's hard when others choose what they think other people need/want, and it sometimes doesn't work out. I so very much hope it works out for you.

lots of hugs, all the best.

 

[youngatheart]

Hi @BlueBells !
Yes, it was discussed and I thought I had made it clear that she was here to take some of the burden off of me beforehand.

My brother has been and continues to help with household expenses, as far as I know she hasn't contributed anything. Although, she does receive 2-3 packages a day .

Part of the disagreement was that my brother saw all that I was doing last year when he first came. I still had my youngest living at home, finishing his senior year, and preparing to go to college. Needless to say I was doing what I had to regardless of how much pain it was causing. He figured that I just quit and was taking advantage of them. Once we discussed it, he now understands. Time will tell if she gets it or not...

Thank you

 

[Badger]

@youngatheart hopefully there will be less stress in the coming days. It's awful having to row with people but I can appreciate the 'release' of letting rip. If only I had some my brothers courage to confront people

 

[Auriel]

I know I shouldn't laugh, I just find it funny you chose of all things a banana to throw at her! (was it peeled? Im guessing unpeeled )
Wow her sense of entitlement is something else! So you could do more if you wanted too? Well she could get her own place if she wanted too! (Plently of tents out there) I'm starting to wonder who's "actual" benefit moving her in was??? I've known massage therapists/reflexologists with fibro, nurses with fibro, support workers with fibro, and then there's people who the find the condition sooo debilitating they can't work or do household tasks, so the poor little girl needs educating on the variants (and how it affects)

 

[Auriel]

stably unstable...

A term for the future

 

[youngatheart]

@Auriel it was unpeeled
I didn't necessarily choose the it just happened to be the closest object

Update: so far things have gotten much better between us. Communication has definitely improved, and she seems to understand (so far) that there is only so much I can do.

 

[Auriel]

That's good

 

[Auriel]

Mushy missiles by young at heart