It's that Day...Again.

[MercyL]

I really try to avoid Mother's day because my first born died on that day.

I had named her "Octavia Augusta". She was born suffering with Ductus Arteriosus Syndrome.

She had 2 surgeries, then died on the following Sunday...that was Mother's Day.

Now, you would think that, since it happened over 30 years ago, I wouldn't feel it anymore and, over the years, my ability to sort of suck it up has improved, but it's still a bit disheartening.

I was doing ok with it until yesterday when a guy wished me a Happy Mother's day.

Anyway. I needed to say something about it because it is Mother's Day and pretty painful.

I have a set of twin sons, born after her, and we chat, on the phone, a few days after Mother's Day. They know what happened but I do not talk with them about that death.

 

[twiztc]

I am so sorry for your loss. It doesn't matter if three years or sixty years have gone by, you are still going to hurt. It's what makes us human.
To indulge in a moments grief ok.
The shame of it is, that you feel it's ruined mothers day for you. Now your two living sons cannot celebrate that day either.
I do hope you have your own special day for yourself and also your sons.

 

[mariposa]

I really try to avoid Mother's day because my first born died on that day.

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, MercyL. My firstborn daughter didn't survive either and I'll say without any doubt that the pain never goes away. It's nothing you just snap out of or grow out of. And yes, times like Mother's Day are extra difficult because of it.

I have a daughter who was born 5 years later and I celebrate holidays like Mother's Day with her and because of her... that doesn't mean I don't remember, though. I'm sorry you had such a lousy day on Sunday. :-(

 

[1sweed]

I feel your pain in the words you speak in telling of your great sadness. I am sorry for your loss and know of that loss myself. I comfort myself with the feeling that my little one is in a better place and there was a reason unknown to me at this time why my baby could not survive. Sometimes these losses make us feel empty inside like it was something we did or should have done, that might have caused the loss, punishing ourselves for something that was out of our hands. And in doing that it makes it really hard to move on past that point. I let the sadness dwell in me for twenty years and was depressed everytime that day rolled around. Then one night I had a dream and in that dream I saw a happy child in heaven and I knew my sadness had to stop, for it was me the sadness and pity was for, not that child I had lost.
Now don't get me wrong. It still hurts and makes me weepy when I remember my loss, but I do not dwell on that day any longer because in doing so, I could not be the happy person the rest of my family needed me to be. And they needed a strong woman, who could lavish all that love on them and let them know how much l cared for them. And so now that day holds a memory of one child, lost but not forgotten. And I carry that child in my heart. I hope you understand what I am saying and I also hope you feel better soon.