Health visit help

[Mumaoftwo]

Hi guys new here I'm diognosed with fibro and chronic fatigue syndrome spectrum disorder I also have hypermobility spectrum disorder wasn't diagnosed until I was 7 months pregnant with my second baby up until that point hoped it would be a really simple fix so didn't see a problem with having children had seen multiple doctors over the years that never mentioned the possibility of a permanent condition.

So on to the issue obviously it is very difficult to raise 2 children under 3 with chronic conditions the pain the exhaustion but my kids are very well taken care of no matter what I always make sure of it no matter the pain the fatigue I use everything I have to make sure they have everything they need and are happy and healthy even when it means I have nothing left to look after myself like I should. My older son is currently under extra care due to developmental issues suspected learning dis or autism as such he has a nurse that visits rather than a health visitor and as she was already here often she said she would do my babies 10 month check up as she is qualified to do so but during this appointment brought up we would have to so a family assessment due to my disability I have never heard of such a thing have any of you heard of this or have had to have it done? I don't understand it she says herself it's very clear too see how well taken care of and loved they are but due to my condition they have to so this.

I'm just very upset my condition is bad and according to my specialist very advanced so much so they cant do anything for me but it has never stopped me looking after my babies I had them not knowing I had this condition but it doesn't change the fact that I do everything in my power for them

 

[JayCS]

Hi there and welcome!

I don't know where you are, but here parents are often wary of family assessments, although they are not only there to help, but do so. I would assume that they will fit you up with more support so that you can look after your babies better and longer, as they will always want a loving and caring mother to do so. That is what I would go and work on.

The problem is if you are like you say sacrificing your own health for the well-being of your babies. That is not only what you "should" be doing as you say. That is saying yourself that you will not be able to carry this on for much longer. I know it hurts to look that in the eye and it feels as if you are being a good mum, as we've all learnt sacrificing ourselves is supposed to be good. But actually it is always dangerous, all the more so when we desperately need to self-care because we have severe conditions.
You may be coping now - just about, as you say -, but if your conditions or theirs, or just their normal development as kids get more demanding that's going to get even tougher.

I'd suggest in this situation it's essential to look out for getting as much help & support as you can of your own accord. That way they know that you have a realistic view and stance and that they can be sure you will always look out for yourself as well as your kids and don't have to force anything on you you don't want. If you think you will manage somehow without help of others, they will worry. So their problem will be precisely that you "do everything in your power for them". Self-care first is the right thing to do. It's understandable that you want to carry on being a power-mum. But part of this condition is accepting that we have to change our self-expectations considerably... But that's also life quite apart from such conditions, that we can't always live up to these sorts of expectations of perfection as parents. The new "perfection" now is to admit we need support, help and rest - before we crash.

 

[sunkacola]

Like Jay, I don't know where you are, so I don't know if this visit is an actual threat of any kind or not. But it really sounds to me as if, since they said it is very clear that your babies are well cared for, there's nothing threatening about this at all. In most places, certainly in the USA, they do not take your kids away unless there is serious and repeated abuse or neglect. They don't want your kids! I think they just want to hook you up with more support.

As Jay says, if you continue to neglect your own health in order to give all to your children, the result will ultimately not be a good one. In order to give your kids what they need in an ongoing way it has to be sustainable. Meaning you have the have it in order to give it and you will deplete yourself if you don't take care of you. What if you gave all and ultimately collapsed....who would look after them? If you maintain your own health and get rest when you need it, you can still continue to give your kids a great home life. The people who come to do the family visit can help you with strategies and support for how you can do that.

And we are here for you also, with strategies and support any time you want it.
Please let us know how it goes.
Best of luck.

 

[Mumaoftwo]

Hi guys thank you for your replies. I'm in the uk. It just caused me alot of upset I had never heard of it before and when you have this condition it always feels like your capability to parent is being questioned. I know I should take better care of myself my husband is always telling me off for this he tries very hard to help me do less but due to our financial situation he has to work full time when he is home on weekends he makes sure I get a lay in and some rest to prepare for the next week. I have enrolled my older son in day care starting in September it took awhile to find one that would best cater to his needs. I know I'm stubborn and still trying to admit not just to others but to myself that my health isn't great and I know thus is something I need to start accepting its hard but I will get there its also dealing with the guilt of my children having a not very fit mum so I think I've been trying to overcompensate thank you for your replies I will go ahead with the assessment

 

[fimi]

Hi Mumaoftwo, please don't worry!

I'm from the UK, and although I've never been through this myself, I believe the family assessment to be a positive thing rather than a negative. As already suggested in previous posts, I think the assessment is to gather information about your family to determine which services may be needed and who can supply them - to help with your own disability and any children that may require further support.
And I'm sure as soon as they walk in they will see how much you love and care for your children! So please keep strong as stay positive. Hopefully you will come out of this with any extra help you need.

Let us know how you get on and good luck.

 

[sweetkamie20]

I understand your concerns. It can be scary and intimidating to be told there is a "family assessment" coming. I hope you don't worry about it because there are some simple ways to improve how well the assessment goes, and, like has been said by many here, the government (in the US at least) will do everything it can to simply strengthen your family, not break it apart. They really, really want children to remain with their parents. I cannot imagine it being much different where you are but I don't know that.

I know I said this on another post but I am not sure if you read it so I will share it again: I worked in the child and family services sector in the US essentially for my state. I performed tons of family assessments and issued my resulting recommendations to judges. My role was mostly to ensure children's well-being.

Our government in the US loves to know your backup plan for bad days-your safety nets. For instance, they would love to know that if you are having a bad day there's family or a friend or a neighbor who will come by to help or an appropriate adult (no criminal behavior) that you can bring the kids to. The government also looks favorably on children being in daycare (it is considered a safety net). The more safety nets you have for yourself, the better!

If you have questions about how assessors think, feel free to message me.

I think it was really courageous of you to share what you are going through and that makes it even more obvious how important your kids are to you.

 

[Daycc452]

Thanks bro