Dating!

[Surviver 45]

Hi there,

I'm new here
I was diagnosed 13 years ago with Fibromyalgia.
I am 45 years old and find myself still single!

Most days I feel so exhausted and in some sort of pain that I can't even find the strength to do my housework,
let alone go out on a date!
I also have type 1 diabetes and have been for nearly 30 years.
I also have Gastroparesis which causes me a lot of dioreah and sickness on top.

Although I've loved being a single parent to my daughter of 19, I am now thinking about the future.

I really don't like the thought of growing old alone and miss having that company and closeness of a relationship.

I have tried online dating, to which has always ended in me deleting my account due to the amount of weirdo's present on there! And, or time wasters.

The moment you mention ' I have a chronic illness' they are normally gone.

I'm wondering how many of you are single and looking for love that have Fibromyalgia?

How do you tell someone and when about your condition?
And how do you even find the strength and time to even date?
I would love to date, but I simply can't see me ever being able to find someone that would want to be with someone who is constantly sick, sore, and exhausted.

The thought of being alone and coping with all that Fibromyalgia has to offer for the rest of my life alone is very daunting!

Love and gentle hugs from another Fibromyalgia warrior!

Louise

 

[sunkacola]

Yep, it's daunting. I'm doing it alone, since my partner died almost 11 years ago. My partner was excellent support, and a good partner can make things in life a lot easier, even if you don't live together. Just having someone in your life that needs you, loves and appreciates you for who you are, and that you can trust and count on makes a huge difference.

Being alone makes things more difficult in one way. But being with someone doesn't necessarily make things better. I dated someone since my partner died, and the relationship only made things worse.

Finding and developing a truly good relationship is challenging at the best of times and for people who are 100% healthy. It's even more challenging for people like us.

The vast majority of people, even if they stick around past the initial revelation that you have a chronic condition, will say that they are good with it, can handle it, and they promise they will be supportive. But when it comes right down to it, unless they have already had the experience of being with someone who has a chronic health condition, they have no real idea what it entails. And the majority of them will not really be good about it even if they want to be. Their good intentions do not translate into being there for the long-term.

They'll sooner or later get upset or resentful when you cancel plans on the day you were supposed to do something because that day you woke up unable to function well enough to leave home. They will get tired of explaining to others in their social group that you couldn't make it today.....again. They will want to "fix" you and will offer unwanted or inappropriate advice, or even if not that, you will know they are wishing you were different. Not that we don't also wish that things were different, but that lack of acceptance is toxic to a relationship and will sooner or later wear it away.

To find someone who values what you have to offer in spite of the drawbacks of being with someone who is not well is not impossible, but it is very difficult, and if you find that and it lasts you are fortunate beyond measure.

I personally have no energy at this point to put into trying to find that. Not even because I have limited energy, period, but mostly because I know how unlikely it is that it will be worth the immense amount of energy that it would take to develop a relationship with someone who ultimately would probably not have staying power. The year and a half that I put into the last one was ultimately energy and time wasted.

Consider yourself lucky that those people vanish as soon as you reveal your fibromyalgia and other conditions to them. You didn't have to spend more of your precious energy on them. If you want to continue to search, I wish you the best of luck, and recommend that you reveal your health issues right upfront so as to eliminate all of those who are not appropriate.

And, if you do find someone who says they are good with it all, I recommend not giving your heart or thinking that it is a lasting thing until a good deal of time has passed. By which I don't mean just a few months. I also recommend not ever ignoring or discounting the red flags. If that person gets upset with you one time because you cannot do what was planned, get out and don't look back. It won't get better.

Being alone with this is not ideal. But it is far better than trying to be with someone who doesn't have what it takes to be solid and loving and patient and supportive.

 

[Surviver 45]

Thank you so much for your reply.
I am very sorry to hear that your supportive partner died. I know, just like you how hard and rare that is to come by.

I completely agree with all you say. Sometimes I think it's not worth the effort. (Valuable effort)
And just enjoy my daughter and cat!

I guess I just get lonely.
I wish there was a local support group near by to me for Fibromyalgia.
That would be really helpful and good to go to when feeling well, and would be a social outlet where by there is also a shared understanding.

I have joined mental health support groups in the past, but they just don't get the chronic illness side of things. I've also popped into churches to try and make new friends but they all seemed to have their own 'click'
I live in South East London on the borders of Kent. I don't suppose you or anyone on here knows of any meet up groups?

Wishing you a good low pain day

 

[JayCS]

I think I personally would go back online, but to a reputable pay platform if you have such a thing?

And try to learn better to see the warning signs in time. Always a danger everywhere.

I find on the health forums I've found a few lovely people I "love" talking to, as a great workaround.

What's helpful in both cases is to be able to "let go", but I've found that important in my marriage, too.

 

[sunkacola]

I think I personally would go back online, but to a reputable pay platform if you have such a thing?

And try to learn better to see the warning signs in time. Always a danger everywhere.

I find on the health forums I've found a few lovely people I "love" talking to, as a great workaround.

What's helpful in both cases is to be able to "let go", but I've found that important in my marriage, too.

The thing is, Jay, you have not actually been in the situation, so it might not be possible for you to say what you would do. Being aware of the warning signs is one thing, but a lot of the time, significant energy has to go into it before you even get the warning signs.

There isn't any such thing as a "reputable" platform in the terms we are talking about. Sure, some of them are worse than others, with mostly people trolling or scamming people. But the most "reputable" site can still have anyone, from anywhere, sign up on it.

Also.......it might be just a bit patronizing to say that a person needs to "learn better to see the warning signs". It's not about "learning better". It's about the fact that most people are not really interested in getting together with someone who has a chronic health condition. And those who say they are OK with it often turn out, even if they mean well in the beginning, not to be actually capable of being the kind of supportive partner that is needed. They may think they are, but you and they find out otherwise after some damage has been done.

Don't know what you mean by "let go", but if one person is struggling to get through the days and the other person is impatient and blaming and making things worse, I don't know how much "letting go" will help. I tried that with the person I was dating. And the more I "let go", the more that person figured they could get away with, until it became outright abusive.

 

[sunkacola]

Thank you so much for your reply.
I am very sorry to hear that your supportive partner died. I know, just like you how hard and rare that is to come by.

I completely agree with all you say. Sometimes I think it's not worth the effort. (Valuable effort)
And just enjoy my daughter and cat!

I guess I just get lonely.
I wish there was a local support group near by to me for Fibromyalgia.
That would be really helpful and good to go to when feeling well, and would be a social outlet where by there is also a shared understanding.

I have joined mental health support groups in the past, but they just don't get the chronic illness side of things. I've also popped into churches to try and make new friends but they all seemed to have their own 'click'
I live in South East London on the borders of Kent. I don't suppose you or anyone on here knows of any meet up groups?

Wishing you a good low pain day

I think there are online support groups for fibromyalgia, and some of them have Zoom meetings, if such a thing might appeal to you. Would be worth looking around to see.

Personally, and this is just me.....if it were not in person I wouldn't be very interested in the support group. And, of course, if it were in person there would be times I wouldn't be able to get there, and no doubt the same would be true of others. Still, I wish such a thing existed where I am as well.

You are ahead of the game if you have a daughter, at least. I often think it would be nice to have family. But, of course, not everyone's family is something they find helpful either. So it goes.

 

[Surviver 45]

Thank you for being so understanding!
And you're right. I think I am clued up enough on red flags having level 3 qualifications in counselling and psychotherapy.

Also had training with Women's Aid the Charity for Domestic Abuse. Anyone can fall into the trap of abuse. That's not what I was saying. I don't have the energy to even date to get to know someone and worry about having to cancel plans at short notice.

I was asking to see of anyone else had had some tips on dating with Fibromyalgia.
I agree that I should tell them upfront from the beginning. But even then i know they can still lie and pretend they are okay with it!

Maybe there should be groups or dating sites just for people with long term chronic illnesses.
At least then you would all know what you're entering.

Anyhow, heyho! Yes luckily I had my daughter when I was 26 and never had Fibromyalgia.

She is undergoing investigations herself or it now too. She's in her second year at University studying Aviation Engineering and has been suffering fatigue and pain for about a year now....

 

[Surviver 45]

And you get weirdo's on the paying websites too! There is no thing such as a reputable one! You're right there too

 

[SBee]

@Surviver 45
Hi, I don't know if it helps but I think there is a site in the UK, FMA uk which may have a list of local support groups by area?

I just joined this forum here because someone said it was less stuffy than some others! I am finding this a safe and supportive place, where along with being able to ask serious questions and advice, can offer some light hearted threads for when we need a bit of a pick me up or distraction.

 

[Surviver 45]

Thank you SB! With the joy of Brain fog I thought this was UK based!??
Don't suppose I will get anyone wanting to pop over from America to have a lunch date!??

Unless ultra rich and has a private Jet

 

[sunkacola]

Thank you for being so understanding!
And you're right. I think I am clued up enough on red flags having level 3 qualifications in counselling and psychotherapy.

Also had training with Women's Aid the Charity for Domestic Abuse. Anyone can fall into the trap of abuse. That's not what I was saying. I don't have the energy to even date to get to know someone and worry about having to cancel plans at short notice.

I was asking to see of anyone else had had some tips on dating with Fibromyalgia.
I agree that I should tell them upfront from the beginning. But even then i know they can still lie and pretend they are okay with it!

Maybe there should be groups or dating sites just for people with long term chronic illnesses.
At least then you would all know what you're entering.

Anyhow, heyho! Yes luckily I had my daughter when I was 26 and never had Fibromyalgia.

She is undergoing investigations herself or it now too. She's in her second year at University studying Aviation Engineering and has been suffering fatigue and pain for about a year now....

Yes, it's definitely not about not being able to see warning signs or red flags!! We don't need lessons in that.

Well, I wish I had some tips for you. But I don't think that there's anything you don't already know.
I might date someone again................. if I met that person just somewhere, at someone's house or something like that, and we just happened to hit it off. But I wouldn't ever spend my time and energy on those dating sites again, nor place an ad even locally. And I wouldn't be willing to move into "dating" the person that I hypothetically met casually until I had known that person for at least a year or more, and had seen how they responded to my fibromyalgia under many different situations. It's a lot easier to move away from a friend, or make it more distant, than to break up a dating relationship.

One thing that I have considered is joining up with a group that is going to go do something that I think is fun, and then if I am up for it on that day, go do that. But not with the idea of Meeting Someone, just with the idea of doing something fun outdoors perhaps. Really, for me a good friend is just as valuable as a dating partner, and is less likely to have expectations that I cannot meet or demands I am not willing to try to meet.

I sincerely hope that your daughter feels better and does not prove to have fibro.

 

[sunkacola]

Thank you SB! With the joy of Brain fog I thought this was UK based!??
Don't suppose I will get anyone wanting to pop over from America to have a lunch date!??

Unless ultra rich and has a private Jet

This forum is international, not really based anywhere. All from everywhere are welcome. I am one of the moderators and am in the USA.

 

[Surviver 45]

You are so very wise!!

And thank you. You have really helped me clarify my thought and feelings. It's nice to know someone thinks exactly like me.
I will try and push myself to attend more local things, with like you say, just the intent of having a nice time. Anything more will be a bonus

I hope you find someone when you're least expecting it too!! And sweeps you off your feet!

 

[sunkacola]

I hope you find someone when you're least expecting it too!! And sweeps you off your feet!

Same to you. And wouldn't that be nice?

 

[Badger]

@Surviver 45 I wish you well in future, who knows who you might meet or when. I'm no expert but setting boundaries seems important. Mixing with people that have similar interests sounds like a nice idea. It would be company, the chance to get to know people and perhaps even some romance to follow.

Personally I gave up on relationships a long time ago. It was a shame to miss out but stress took its toll and FM complicated life. Reading others experience with relationships, it hits home how FM brings up challenges and we try to find connection. Whether it's friendship or romance, who knows how much fun we might have. Atb