Bad Day

[sunkacola]

I think deep down I have always been quite content. I am not one to strive upwards in say work, or social standing

You are incredibly lucky, in my opinion.
While I have never been especially interested in striving upwards in work or social standing either, and am OK with that, I have not had a contented life, nor been happy. The vast majority of my life I have been depressed to one degree or another, much of the time to the point of "clinical depression". It's nothing short of amazing to me that I am still here.

If a person can say that they have mostly been content, let alone happy, in their life, that person is blessed beyond measure in my estimation, no matter whether they had money or not or what else came to them in their life. Just being content is worth more than anything else, it seems to me.

 

[Auriel]

This is very nice to learn about how everyone has experienced and navigated their way through life (and how they've changed over the years ) @SBee, do you have a high level of gratitute then?, cos when i read contentment, gratitude popped in my mind (though i could be confusing the two) cos of my raising I used to put people before me (through fear of repercussion and just my training to freeze/fawn in situations to keep me safe) but I've always been so very grateful if anyone does anything nice for me/helps me in some way or for good things (even basic) in my life (cos I've ended up sometimes when I've not even had those things) if not for my late grandparents involvement in life I may have turned out a completely different person? @JayCS i get the insecure thing, i can honestly say i had 0 self esteem growing up (wasn't even low! It was nothing!) But much better now (I know mines better now cos I don't keep "toxic" people in my life who just wanna keep staying there like leeches sticking to me, trying to manipulate and project their shadow's onto me) and I've started being nicer to myself and stick up for myself more, and not go along with people and situations I don't want through fear, obligation or guilt, (my inner self talk has improved too, I used to be very mean, downputting to me but not so much now) @sunkacola it is so very surprising how much we can withstand and how resilient we can be in our lifetime (epecially when situations/feelings/circumstances make us just want to give up) whether it's for ourselves or other things/people/fur babies that keep us going

 

[SBee]

Hi @sunkacola
I am not sure so would consider myself as being always content, and certainly not always happy. Like all of us, external life has sunk its claws in us and affected us negatively at times, some experiences still carried with in us to this day. I just feel quite content in not yearning for what some may think as " big " things in life, the material stuff, the next best car or gadget etc I have always just preferred simple things like waking in the countryside, being a somebody really.
Fortunately I have a loving relationship, a sweet home in peaceful location. Lifes never perfect but then neither am I. I don't live in make believe world, but I now try to be less reactive to stress. I am content to potter through life if that makes sense? To try to achieve a level balance, with as little mental conflict as possible. Must be the Libran in me.I must be lucky then to feel this way? I sometimes wondered if it was a problem that I lacked ambition, having once been promoted at work,only a few months to ask to be demoted as the stress wasn't worth it.
I so hope that the depression can be maintained to a level that offers you an easier way through life. I have had use of anti depressant myself, and am on a low dose now. So far all.seems stable atm, but I wouldn't hesitate to seek further help if I felt myself sliding. Life isn't always kind
And some people seem to be hit more than others.

@Auriel ( l like your Easter Bunny!) I think in some ways I have also put others first above my own needs just to keep the peace. If it helped them then that actually helped me to avoid a potentially stressy time. Maybe that's a bit head in the sand, but on serious matters, especially if I feel someone or an animal is being treated wrongly, will always speak my piece. Whilst I often see both sides of a story, I will not tolerate or back down from what I see as an injustice. Feisty doesn't even come close.

Your younger life sounds a tough upbringing. I am so glad you had grandparents who could give you some of what is essential to any person, especially when young. Like you and @JayCS know, avoid anyone who tries to suck the energy from you. We all deserve better than that.

Maybe it's an an age thing, but I do seem to like myself more now than at any other time. Am willing to learn about myself more. I am certainly kinder to myself. It's sounds as you are feeling this way too. You do realise that each of us are amazing in our own ways, even if we forget it on the hard days.

 

[sunkacola]

I am not sure so would consider myself as being always content, and certainly not always happy. Like all of us, external life has sunk its claws in us and affected us negatively at times, some experiences still carried with in us to this day. I just feel quite content in not yearning for what some may think as " big " things in life, the material stuff, the next best car or gadget etc I have always just preferred simple things like waking in the countryside, being a somebody really.
Fortunately I have a loving relationship, a sweet home in peaceful location. Lifes never perfect but then neither am I. I don't live in make believe world, but I now try to be less reactive to stress. I am content to potter through life if that makes sense? To try to achieve a level balance, with as little mental conflict as possible. Must be the Libran in me.I must be lucky then to feel this way? I sometimes wondered if it was a problem that I lacked ambition, having once been promoted at work,only a few months to ask to be demoted as the stress wasn't worth it.
I so hope that the depression can be maintained to a level that offers you an easier way through life. I have had use of anti depressant myself, and am on a low dose now. So far all.seems stable atm, but I wouldn't hesitate to seek further help if I felt myself sliding. Life isn't always kind
And some people seem to be hit more than others.

Like you I never yearned for much more than what I have had in the way of material things. Or, at least I never wanted anything that I could not, through my own hard work, get for myself without asking for anything from anyone else. Mostly, just getting through the day was enough of an effort, so not much left over for getting ambitious. I have always been fortunate enough to be able to get by, and to have simple things to enjoy. Fewer of them these days, but I have always believed in taking as much pleasure as possible in what is good and beautiful, in the small things, and I am always grateful, daily, for what I have.

As for depression being maintained, nothing over the years has helped much or for very long, and believe me, I have tried literally everything there is to try from medication to meditation, from the practical to the esoteric. Quite a few years ago I resigned myself to just living with it, and that is what I do. It only makes things worse if one keeps trying things, hoping for a relief that is not going to happen. I did have one period of time in my life in which I was not depressed, and it was like a miracle. I remember thinking.....this is how people who are not depressed live all the time! And being very grateful that somehow I found that. But then my partner died, and there's no chance I will find that again, so as I say I live with it. There's virtually no chance it will get easier, so I do not hope for that.

But I also look at it like this: There are millions of people who have very rough lives, don't have a home and other comforts I have, and at least some percentage of them must also be depressed, have fibromyalgia, or other disabling problems or just simply be miserable, so I don't complain, as I am more fortunate than they are. Life just hands you what it does.

 

[SBee]

You managed to word things a little better than me @sunkacola , I was like you trying to express my real need to ' to get by and have simple things to enjoy ' I am the person you see outside picking up colourful stones, or pretty shaped leaves or gazing up in the sky to watch the birds. These have always been my own treasures. I so appreciate having a nice safe home, food to eat, and knowing I am loved. Many will never have these things. I know things could be better,but they could be very much worse too.

Pain and had health does get me down, am no martyr. I have days when I feel so peed off. I just cannot remember a day not being pain free. But it is what it is. not enough energy to spare on feeling down for too long. I allow myself some self pity for a short while, then give myself an imaginary slap, pull myself up and begin again. I will continue to search for the best way I can either receive help for this whilst ensuring I carry on doing the best I can to help myself too. Depression like fibromyalgia is hard to explain to those who do not experience it themselves. I am sorry you know that so personally and continuously.
I hope today you and your dogs managed to share a lovely day together.

 

[JamieMarc]

Hugs @sunkacola


I agree with you wholeheartedly that sometimes constantly seeking for answers, never ending self-improvement, can at some point be self-defeating. I experienced that myself after many many years focusing on a particular issue of mine, and I approached a point at which I was burnt out, and rather than continue researching and reading the same things on the same topics over and over, it was time for me to put down the books and the computer and to implement all that I had learned. It's one thing to be a work in progress, which I always am, but quite another thing to permit that self work to consume you, causing burnout, frustration, depression, anxiety and exhaustion.

I have said here in the forum a few times how I have learned to embrace my pain and my suffering, accepting it as just a part of the whole of who I am. It seems to me that you have done the same thing with regard to your depression. It's not ideal, I know, but it's better than the alternative, as you described.

I, too, frequently think about the millions of people across the planet who are much worse off than I, and I remember to be grateful everyday for who I am and what I have.

Huggerz!

 

[Badger]

I think I could do with a testosterone boost, who knows it might help, knowing my luck I'd probably get carried away and try to run through a wall. It's helpful to read of others experiences such as learning to live with pain. I shall be reading this page from time to time to help with my perspective.

Found myself thinking lately, if the past is full of regrets and I can't live the life I want, why not spend the rest of my days devoted to developing something else worthwhile.

 

[Auriel]

What would the life you want, look like @Badger? (out of curio)

 

[Badger]

What would the life you want, look like @Badger? (out of curio)

I would have wanted to carry on life as a musician, drums were the favorite. Looking back im grateful to have met someone I clicked with musically who became my oldest friend and is a bass player in a great local band. Otherwise I could have taken after my father as a builder, able to get in shape, maintain the house and garden. Walk a dog along the coast again and be an active part in the lives of family and friends.

Unfortunately I missed out on milestones in a lifetime of bottling things up with anxiety and depression complicated by FM. At least I have been able to share in the lives of my nieces and see the joy that they gave our family.

 

[Auriel]

Are them some of those things you could still do?

 

[Badger]

Are them some of those things you could still do?

Unfortunately not as far as I know, it took a long time but at least I'm listening to music again. I've had to let things slide with the house and garden. Chip away at what I can do with dusting and get help with the rest when family have time or get paid help occasionally.

I'm not able to stay on my feet for long and am largely house bound, but get up regularly to potter about. It's nice to see my brothers dog and my friends dogs too. The brain fog, pain and fatigue makes it too difficult to improve my education and fitness.

I tell myself if I can at least stick with breathing exercises, meditation, gentle movement, interesting podcasts / documentaries, movies, music, that there is still a quality of life.

 

[SBee]

Morning Badger,
Do you know of anyone close by who has a dog that could use a bit of company during the day? I know walks are out of the question, but maybe someone who works longer hours, or needs to pop, out whose dog may prefer not to be left alone? Copmany for the dog and you can enjoy a time with the wonderful joy of a dog without the need to worry about walks et c

My garden is a bit of a mess. So if I can manage 20 mins or so I concentrate on the bits I can see immediately from the Windows or doors. I need to break things into tiny chunks- the need to do it all is far to overwhelming and that scares me, so I know I can just cut back\tie in a few plants for 20-30 mins max, and then get really strict with myself and stop.

I Hoover two rooms, then stop. If I can, then 2 more the next day. I allow myself one 'big' task per day, maybe a walk to the village shop or some extra house work, hardly ever have the energy to do both.
I try to get outside every day, just th breathe it all in,watch and hear the birds. It is so good to bring music back into your life.

I try hard not to think about what the future might bring. Works most days, others, realistically it doesnt. Gentle, small pleasures. Movement definitely even just the pottering.

 

[Badger]

Morning Badger,
Do you know of anyone close by who has a dog that could use a bit of company during the day? I know walks are out of the question, but maybe someone who works longer hours, or needs to pop, out whose dog may prefer not to be left alone? Copmany for the dog and you can enjoy a time with the wonderful joy of a dog without the need to worry about walks et c

My garden is a bit of a mess. So if I can manage 20 mins or so I concentrate on the bits I can see immediately from the Windows or doors. I need to break things into tiny chunks- the need to do it all is far to overwhelming and that scares me, so I know I can just cut back\tie in a few plants for 20-30 mins max, and then get really strict with myself and stop.

I Hoover two rooms, then stop. If I can, then 2 more the next day. I allow myself one 'big' task per day, maybe a walk to the village shop or some extra house work, hardly ever have the energy to do both.
I try to get outside every day, just th breathe it all in,watch and hear the birds. It is so good to bring music back into your life.

I try hard not to think about what the future might bring. Works most days, others, realistically it doesnt. Gentle, small pleasures. Movement definitely even just the pottering.

Morning, my brother pops round most days while walking the dog, occasionally I'll look after the dog for the day, he's good company. Otherwise a couple of friends have a dog at home that I'll see when visiting.

I aim to chip away at housework through the week, slowly working from the front of the house to the back, treating it as exercise and leaving the more difficult tasks for someone else. Only the downstairs rooms are used as climbing the stairs is painful.

Inevitably I fall behind with house work, it depends how I feel. I'm quite washed out and sore at the moment after dressing, keeping laundry and cleaning up the washroom.

That's the tricky part for us being sore and tired beforehand and worse after. Pacing is difficult but something I must be mindful of and try to better implement, even if it means doing less and jobs taking longer.

With the pain from old injuries it seems to be a case of how much it's going to hurt that day. Once they flare, such as migraine, I can only try to grin and bare it until the next day.

I've had the number of a gardener and will ask for an estimate soon for a thorough tidy up and see what can be done so there's less maintenance in future. It would be nice to sit there with a brew in better weather.

 

[JamieMarc]

@Badger
Yes! Pacing oneself is difficult. I have always been of the mindset, to my detriment, that I must spend as many of my waking hours as possible being productive. I am learning, and getting better at, pacing myself and taking breaks. But man, it sure is hard to break a lifelong habit. I hate the feelings of false guilt I get sometimes when I know that there is so much that needs doing, and I'm not getting it done fast enough. And then the fear and anxiety that follows that it is all going to pile up on me and the whole place is going to fall apart. LOL! I'm still learning to let my mind control my feelings, and not allow my feelings to control my thoughts.

 

[SBee]

@Badger,I am happy you are able to have dogs in your life, such beautiful parts of our lives.

I think having your garden set up for Spring is a good idea, I now leave part of our lawn ( well, more moss tbh) to grow wild. The insects all benefit and it looks so natural. It means a few days chopping it down and of summer,but less to mow. I am having to do less lots now, as I can't do all the lifting, so try to use big ones and leave in situ. Small tricks to help simplify and conserve energy. We are trying to make part of our garden nicer to sit down in, husband in more sun,me in the shade!

I totally agree @JamieMarc about the ' feelings of false guilt ' I havent lost that yet. It's then that I push on and pay the consequences. Of course that means I can then do even less... Most days I can get a pretty good balance of doing some of what need asking then resting body and mind. And yes, I also feel anxious. But I try to prioritise what needs doing as opposed to what I think needs doing. I make a daily list, if I still feel I can do a little more without harm, I consider that a bonus. If I cant, then those bits get added to the next days list instead.