Dating!

[JamieMarc]

Oh thank you so much! I am going to take you up on your offer to help me train my baby. I am making a note to myself to start a conversation with you. So expect one sometime within the next few days. Again, thank you so much!

 

[a gentle voice]

Hi @a gentle voice what an honest and poignant post. I am a fair bit older than you, so our lives are at different stages, but I have never felt a stigma of not wanting children of my own, not once has anyone queried that. Many of my friends feel the same way and have never felt any differently. I am always hugely excited for those around me wanting to have biological\adopted children and were able to do so. But I never felt that for me. I have children of varying ages from my husband's side as well as from my own relatives.

If someone is trying to force their thoughts onto you and causing - in my book - an unwarranted stigma I dont think that is fair to you.
You show So much care in wanting to love and support children in different ways, that's beautiful.

So I probably am not the best person to advise on you entering a relationship with these worries - I hope someone else can do so.

What I would encourage ( and I am so newly fibro diagnosed so am very much learning as I go ) is exactly what you have said in your second post. Learning to live with fibromyalgia in the best ways you can. And this forum is packed with help and support. We are all individuals whose needs and abilities vary ( someone here wrote fibro is a moving target, each day\hour can change enormously ). There's also a lot of fluctuating emotions with a living with such a range of symptoms. It takes some getting used to I feel.

Easy for me to say, but I would focus on yourself for a while, be the best you can. But I really believe you shouldn't need to give up your dreams and wishes.

Thanks so much for this reply, it's so comforting! You're so kind <3
I think my worries are coming from a cultural / religious place, since getting married and having children is a very normalized and even expected life path in my religious community. That said, I've never dated or even spoken with a potential partner about this, so there's always the chance that I meet a like-minded person.
I'm currently reading a lot of childfree books and they're validating my feelings and choice in lifestyle a lot. I'm in a very good place right now, physically and emotionally. I love the gentle life routine I've created since my Fibro diagnosis in August 2023, and I really don't wanna change it... I hope I meet the right person for me and my lifestyle choice

 

[a gentle voice]

@a gentle voice , while the issue of having children is highly personal and I would never advise a person one way or the other, it seems to me that you are making a wise choice for yourself, from what you say.

I want to encourage you not to worry too much about that in terms of finding a partner, because a lot of people don't really want to have children, and more and more young people are making that decision these days than ever before, because they do not want to bring children into a world that may become uninhabitable for human beings within that child's lifetime.

A person who truly loves you for yourself is not likely to abandon you because you don't want to give birth, especially since you say you are willing to adopt if your partner decided they wanted a child.

There's never a guarantee with any marriage. One of you may change so much that it's no longer a viable partnership, one of you may die; many things can happen.

The best approach, IMO, is never, ever, to rush into anything. It's just not possible to know someone well enough in a short period of time. It's not possible to know how a person will respond to challenges or high stress in life until you have seen them challenged. You can't know if you and the other person will be good at conflict resolution until that has been tested several times. The best chance for having a good relationship for the long term is to be really good friends for a long time before even dating, let alone going into a romantic partnership. Most people who get divorced do so because they didn't know the other person well enough before they got married, and they had expectations that seemed totally reasonable to them but which the other person was not going to meet. It can turn out that each person has a completely different, and diametrically opposed, definition of a word such as "commitment". (Trust me on this.....been there).

Having a chronic health condition can definitely turn people away. But, we cannot help that. Best to find out ahead of time, and again the only way to do that is to know the person long enough. Once they have been through a couple of years with you and have been consistently kind and understanding and patient when you had to cancel plans, you have a pretty good idea of how they may be in a long term relationship. People are always on Good Behavior at first, but the true nature of a person comes out in time. The key is not to get too deeply involved, let alone married, until you have hung around long enough to have seen the true character of a person come out.

And this is key: When a person shows you who they are, believe it the first time. Do not think it will change.
I wish I had learned this when I was in my 20s. It would have saved me a whole lot of heartbreak.

This is very, very good advice. Thank you so much, I really appreciate the in-depth reply <3

 

[Surviver 45]

@sunkacola Bless you!!
I think i may have cracked it! Thanks for the help!

 

[Surviver 45]

@JamieMarc Oh my!! Your baby boy is soooo adorable!!!
I don't know where I would be without my fur baby Lola Cat!

 

[Surviver 45]

@Auriel Thank you so much!
I think I've done it! I feel well proud lol

 

[Auriel]

@Surviver 45

 

[JamieMarc]

Thank you @Surviver 45
I don't know where I would be without him either. And he says woof woof thank you!
Is my baby, my companion and my service animal. I love him so much!

 

[Surviver 45]

Give him a kiss on the head from me please!
I love animals. They are just the best therapy.
They are loyal, love you unconditionally, have no agendas. Just pure love! My cat sleeps with me every night.
I don't want to ever think about life without her. She will be 5 in June. So hopefully I will still have lots of time with her We are blessed to have them aren't we!
I hope you are feeling well

 

[SBee]

I think Coby is becoming the forums mascot......

 

[Surviver 45]

is it possible to private message someone on here?

 

[sunkacola]

is it possible to private message someone on here?

Yes, you can do that if you have posted enough times on the forum to be given that access.

Just hover your cursor over the person's name, to the left of a post they have made. You will see a box appear, and in it at the bottom will be the option to "start conversation". Click on that, and it will open up a conversation box with that person.

 

[Badger]

Partner, family, friend, forum members, dating would be great but in the meantime there's compassion and companionship to be found.

 

[Rainbow]

@Surviver 45
You sure do love your emojis! Lol. I love that!

Reading the above posts, I thought this might be a good time and place for the serenity Prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

I wear a bangle with that prayer on so I can read it whenever I need to but nevertheless, I still have a go at trying to change things
& then comfort myself with the words 'God loves a Tryer!'

 

[Rainbow]

Because I'm really a child trapped in an adults body lol hehe

Gertrude Stein said 'We are all the same age inside' and each & every one of us has 'The Child Within', the only difference between us is how much of that child we allow to be recognised by others & how much we let our inner child out.