exhausted with examinations

[solarflares]

I'm feeling exhausted and depressed and undignified with the amount of testing and poking and prodding I have done. I just have so many symptoms and things popping up like infections, and I don't really feel like a person going in to see these doctors. I dissociate a lot and it helps me somewhat to deal with it because I have a fear of doctors and medicine, but I still have to go. I feel like a separate thing from my body, inhabiting it. I don't know how to deal with all the testing (most of which comes back "normal", of course). I don't feel like I have control over my body. I don't where to start picking up some of my lost dignity. I'm tired of being a medical mystery.

I don't know what else to say I'm just so tired right now of the hours and hours of invasive testing.

 

[sunkacola]

Your feelings right now are understandable!! Maybe it's over for now, though. And if they find something that is of interest or that explains what is going on with you it will all have been worth it.

Now, however, you have earned a little treat. Glass of wine? Or cocoa? A good book, curl up on the couch with a fluffy blanket? Pet the dog or cat if you have one? Watch the sunset? A little self-care is well deserved at this point.

 

[Auriel]

Are the symptoms you're getting different to the fibro ones you usually have solarflares (I know what disassociating is like I've had to do that MANY times in the past for different reasons)

 

[solarflares]

you're right! and I am doing my best to take care of myself. I got juice and treats and had a cat on me earlier when I read your message. :] it's cloudy and cold here but I still like the weather.

 

[solarflares]

Are the symptoms your getting different to the fibro ones you usually have solarflares (I know what disassociating is like I've had to fo that MANY times in the past for different reasons)

yeah it's a bunch of different things or comorbid but that doesn't matter too much. dissociating is a skill I learned growing up I'm just finding it useful here too. maybe it isn't the Best coping method but it's the best one I've got ! (slight joking. I have a dissociative disorder). I'm trying to get back into journaling since that might help.

 

[Auriel]

Journalling I think will DEFINATLY help (please acknowledge your feelings, suppression will only cause depression/self hatred and possible wanting to do some kind of hurt to you) I'm the same I learned to disassociate in childhood too (a kind of fawning/freezing switching off, keeping it short and sweet mine was from going through experiences I didn't want, I also used the tactic in adulthood experiences too) im not sure if you're the same but mine was almost like a psychic shelling up till things were over (hope I'm not triggering that's the last thing I'd ever want) I'm glad you've got nice things to do and sources of comfort, it's soooo important (for all aspects of life)

 

[JayCS]

dissociating is a skill I learned growing up I'm just finding it useful here too. maybe it isn't the Best coping method but it's the best one I've got ! (slight joking. I have a dissociative disorder)

Interesting that association, actually...

I remember as a kid being one of the best able to consciously "dissociate" from the pain when we played "Chinese burn" as well as when getting tickled - I just had to find "the switch", which succeeded about 80% of the time, pain easier than being tickled. My wife used to often believe I was dissociating for short times and that I was traumatized, but I and my psychologist thought otherwise, that I've had my unfair share of emotional abuse, but learnt in a healthy way to cope. So nothing like real dissociation, fortunately.

I guess there's quite a lot of connection between 1) my ability to "dissociate" during uncomfortable play, 2) my getting used to always having had some kind of pains, 3) bearing emotional abuse, my 4) Buddhist influenced 5) Christian faith (both pacifying in the face of trouble to the point of detachment) etc.
which have likely made possibly
6) detachment also in the face of too much empathy, 7) my attitude of radical acceptance now (taking things as they come), 9) my distancing from most pain and extreme sensations now (but definitely not all).

On the other hand my body can no longer tolerate much excitement at all, so mental detachment isn't enough, I need to remove myself "physically" from things like people for any length of time, almost all media etc., except fairly well controlled and channeled web information and communication.